Anne Heffron (author of You Don’t Look Adopted) goes deep into all kinds of things in her story, including failures that she attributes to adoption trauma, things she’s working on to find healing, what “write or die” means to her, and we find a way to laugh a lot.

Show Notes

Full episode transcript here.

Topics We Discussed

Anne was born in NYC in 1964; adopted 10 weeks later
Knew she was adopted, had two adopted brothers
Thought of looking for her birthmother when she dropped out of college for the first time
Search Agency in Boston (remembers Susan Darke) and it was a 15 year search
Identifying information, a photograph of her birthmother “she looks like me”
Birthmother said she had the wrong person, it was her cousin…, she requested that Anne not contact her again
Anne contacted one more time and her birthmother relented and said she was indeed her birthmother; Anne has two brothers and a sister
Birthmother said she was date-raped, and that somehow meant sense to Anne; birthmother refused contact again
Anne later finds out her birthmother has passed away and tries to connect with her siblings
She’s been able to briefly meet one brother and her sister
Anne found her birthfather in New York (his wife has said no to contact), her Uncle has connected and embraced her though
Anne finds herself pushing away, “I think I’m so afraid that I don’t even let myself feel”
She feels like she seamlessly fits in with her Uncle’s family; never felt that way with adoptive family
Chiropractor (Dr. Mark Lucas) who works with hockey players (adoptees and the Sharks!); applied kinesiology that works with the nervous system
Anne has issues with her brain and her stomach
After her (adoptive) mom died, Anne felt like she fell apart
Anne says she’s gotten in trouble her whole life, and has been waiting to be rescued
When Anne’s daughter was born, she was jaundiced and had to go under the lights in a separate bed, when Anne touched her, her daughter stopped crying; “my skin doesn’t feel sealed”
Adoption trauma? Getting fired, divorced, financial distress, constant depression, anger, confusion, living like a child in an adult body, dropped out of school a bunch of times, smart but didn’t do well in high school, didn’t make teams because her body would shut down
“How can I reprogram my brain to use adoption as an opportunity instead of as a loss?”
People who adopt get tax write-offs; Anne has this idea that adoptees should get $1000 in their bank accounts for age 18 and age 50, “I want some prizes for being adopted”
Giving herself permission to feel the feelings about adoption opened Anne’s eyes to adoption trauma
Kathryn Stockett, author of The Help offered her apartment for Anne to write her book (which she did in 3 months)
Dealing with adoption trauma has felt like her life is falling apart: homeless vs. being successful as an author and teacher
Half of her brain (the adoption half) wants to die; half of her brain is the happy side
Deep desire to be happy and accept herself
Finding healing through Dr. Mark Lucas (chiropractor), Katie Peuvrelle (life coach), Lesli Johnson (therapist, EMDR), Dr. Joyce Pavao (therapist), The Adoptee Community
What does write or die mean? Writing out our feelings, it doesn’t have to be right or good, it just has to be true. It is essential, take the time to listen to yourself.
In school, it’s “what am I supposed to say? How do I get an A?”; instead we need to trust our own voice
Julie Maida's blog http://www.nextlifenokids.com/search?q=adoption
On using positive affirmations, Anne mentions a book called "How to be a Badass" actually, it’s You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
The brain compensates for covering up adoptive feelings; the brain is plastic and we believe there’s hope and healing available for us!
Secret Facebook Group for Adoptees On - access via www.adopteeson.com/partner

Recommended Resources

dearadoption.com by Reshma McClintock (Anne’s post https://dearadoption.com/2017/01/31/dear-adoption-you-are-everywhere/)
Here’s a link to the trailer of the documentary Reshma is featured in “Calcutta is my Mother” https://vimeo.com/168535931
A Man and His Mother: An Adopted Son's Search by Tim Green
Darryl McDaniels (Run DMC) https://themoth.org/stories/angel and singing Just Like Me with Sarah McLachlan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRtae4jTF4Al
Lori Holden http://lavenderluz.com/ and The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption
Adoption Nation by Adam Pertman
The Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao