14 [Healing Series] Surviving the Holidays
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/14
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is a bonus healing episode, where we are going to help you survive the holidays. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Let's meet today's special guest. This is Lesli Johnson, a fellow adoptee and licensed therapist who works to help other adoptees connect the dots of their story and live authentically.
Welcome, Lesli.
Lesli A. Johnson: Thank you. I'm really glad to be here.
Haley Radke: It's your first time on the show. I'd love it if you would just give a little brief bio so we can get to know you a little better.
Lesli A. Johnson: Sure. I am a licensed therapist. I work out of Los Angeles. I also do some virtual work. I've been licensed for about 15 years and probably in the last eight years, really started working a lot with adoptees and adoptive families, primarily, because of my own experience having been in therapy in my twenties.
I'm also adopted–I was adopted, and my therapist never touched on my adoption. And as I was going through graduate school and work and as I began my private practice, I realized there are so few adoption-competent therapists and adoptees come into therapy a lot and adoptive families come into therapy a lot with a similar issue.
I just decided that was going to be the area that I focused on and I absolutely love it.
Haley Radke: And have you searched? Are you in reunion?
Lesli A. Johnson: I am in reunion with my birth mother. Her name is Candace, and her family… She found me when I was in my mid twenties. And at that time I didn't pursue a relationship with her, primarily based on my relationship with my adoptive family.
But I am in a relationship with her now, and with her brother and his wife and their extended family. And I did search also for my biological father, but found out that he had died many years ago.
Haley Radke: I'm sorry. It definitely sounds like you understand what fellow adoptees go through. You are one and so that is such a blessing for your clients. I'm sure they're so fortunate that you can understand what they're going through.
Lesli A. Johnson: Thanks. Thank you. I hope so.
Haley Radke: Okay, so let's dive in. I am thinking a lot about holidays and how adoptees survive holidays, Mother's Day, birthdays…
And it's so tough, because if we're in reunion, or even if we're not, we can be with our adoptive families, but often those holidays will bring up triggers (that's the word I always use, I always go to)... bring up all these feelings about, “I'm with my adoptive family, but maybe I wish I was with my bio family,” or vice versa.
How do we survive it? Tell us what to do.
Lesli A. Johnson: I think the holidays are sometimes hard enough for anyone and for adoptees (like you mentioned), they can be harder. Because a lot of times, what I've heard in my practice is that we're maybe with one family and celebrating with our adoptive family and thinking about our biological or first family.
And if, for younger people (that I've worked with), they're often wondering, “Does my birth mother–would she recognize me? Would she– Is she celebrating?” Just sort of this fantasy that it creates. An author and adoptee herself (she's no longer alive, but I'm sure you've heard of Betty Jean Lifton) kind of calls this fantasy world the ghost kingdom.
And I think holidays can trigger an adoptee to really be in that ghost kingdom–wondering, “What would it have been like if I wasn't adopted? What would it be like to celebrate my birthday?” The day that– There were two people there that day of the birth, the birth mother and the child. “What would it be like? To be with her on my birthday?” So I think that it does trigger a lot of adoptees. Maybe not all, but a lot. And I think that it's really important to be aware of those triggers and do whatever is needed to take care of oneself.
And if the person is an adult, what are the things that they can do to nurture themselves? If it's a child, or a teenager, hopefully the adoptive family is talking about the grief and loss piece of adoption, even amidst the holidays. To again, to bring to light what might not be being talked about.
Haley Radke: Okay, so I'm sitting at dinner and someone brings up, “Oh, you look so much like Auntie So-and-so,” who I'm not biologically related to. And that triggers me, and I start thinking about, “I don't look like anyone around this table.” And I freak out inside. What do I do in that moment?
Lesli A. Johnson: Again, not to compare it to just a typical family, but that a lot of things are said during the holidays by relatives that are kind of shocking or surprising. And really, again, being aware of your own internal processes, and again, doing whatever is needed to calm yourself down. So maybe that's excusing yourself from the table. Maybe it's talking about adoption. Maybe it's bringing it up. Maybe it's again, just bringing up what's not being spoken, Yeah, it's funny, maybe I have some of Aunt Dottie's mannerisms, but I also have (if the person's in reunion), I also have Sue's facial expression, or something, if it feels–if that feels possible to talk about. But I think it's more about an adoptee giving themselves permission to not always go along.
So that doesn't mean that they might–that they would declare something, but that they could just get up and excuse themselves and maybe, you know, take a walk around the block. I think a theme for adoptees (and you may relate to this), is a lot of times we are conditioned that we need to go along to keep our place in the adoptive family to stay in the good?
And so I think that's part of the work that I do, is really empowering adoptees to come into their own and realize they don't have to always go along. And that doesn't (again) have to be some big declaration, but just that own felt sense of I may have some characteristics of my adoptive family and I also, most likely, have characteristics of my biological family.
Haley Radke: I love that idea of getting up from the table. I feel like I could do that; that's a comfortable thing for me. Because you can just excuse yourself and then you can have some time to yourself and just reflect. That's a really great one. Thank you. How do I enjoy my time with my adoptive family and turn off those constant things that might come to mind?
I want to enjoy, in the moment, where I am, and not fixate on my–who I'm not with.
Lesli A. Johnson: I think that it's probably not a "one size fits all" bit of advice, but I think really applying the notion of mindful awareness, which is moment-to-moment awareness of what's happening in the present.
So even noticing those feelings of maybe loss or wonder and then just returning back, bringing your attention back to what's in front of you. And doing that over and over and over through the course of the day or the holiday season, even. And again, it's not a “one size fits all,” because maybe some families have more openness surrounding adoption. Maybe some people are in reunion, and so they may have that issue or situation where they're spending some time with their adoptive family, some time with their biological family, which might create its own situation. And again, just applying that idea of moment-to-moment awareness and letting yourself experience whatever feelings you have and then bringing your attention back to the conversation at the table, or the dinner, or the lights on the tree–whatever's in front of you.
Haley Radke: Can you coach us a little bit on– say we are in reunion and we do have dinner with adoptive family, and then we have a dinner with a bio family, or you're traveling…
How do we talk to each of those families, differently, about the other? I think you know what I'm getting at.
Lesli A. Johnson: I do, I do. And it, I guess it (again), it depends on the people involved and how much of their own work they've done. Is there openness among all of the adults, or is–are the adoptive parents able to have conversations with first parents?
Is it that open, to where there's not as much of a struggle for the adoptee to navigate back and forth? And again, I really think in the adult state and when a person is an adult, they get to give themselves permission to have these conversations and that the adults have to take care of themselves.
Meaning, if I say to my adoptive parents, “I'm gonna spend Christmas Eve here and then I'm gonna go spend Christmas Day with Joe and Sue.” That might be disappointing to my adoptive parents, but they get to take care of their own feelings, regarding being disappointed. It's like what I try to do is help adoptees release some of that burden of trying to please everyone, especially if they are in reunion. To, kind of, release that feeling of, "I'm responsible for my adoptive parents' feelings. I'm responsible for my birth parents' feelings."
Yeah. Ideally, everyone can do their own work and take care of their own feelings. Again, easier said than done. Something to work toward.
Haley Radke: Yes. I love that you've phrased it that way, because I'm sure if you've heard some of our episodes in season one, we often talk about how responsible we do feel for every party involved at the expense of ourselves and our own mental health, truly.
Lesli A. Johnson: Right. And I think it really is part of, again, part of my work is really even with younger adoptees and their families, really letting parents know, “This is your stuff. You know. This is your stuff to work on and see a therapist.” And letting the adoptee have their own experience, have their own feelings.
And that, and reminding parents that their curiosity and their wonder about their biology isn't a rejection of them. It's natural to want to know about your biology. It's natural to want to know. I always say part of knowing who you are is knowing where you came from.
Haley Radke: That's so true. Okay, so wrapping up, we don't have to engage in those conversations that might trigger us.
We can try and be in the moment and practice some mindfulness, so we don't have to think about where we could be, or maybe where we want to be. That's awesome. Really helpful. Any other last tips that you wanna give us so we can get through unscathed?
Lesli A. Johnson: It's funny, I just thought of when I work with families up with littler, with smaller children, we do coaching in my office, where we teach.
And this may or may not be applicable to adults, but it just made me laugh when I was thinking of sitting at a big table with family, and it's called the Center for Adoption Education and Support, or Support and Education. And they call it Wise Up, and it's an acronym. It's W I S E.
So when someone asks a question, you can walk away, you can ignore, you can tell a little bit about your adoption story, or you can educate. And I just thought about that in terms of an adult, at a, again, at a holiday gathering and maybe deciding again on your own terms, what you wanna share, what you wanna talk about, or if you want to stand up again and walk outside, excuse yourself.
Haley Radke: That's great. I can do most of those things. Oh, thanks so much, Lesli. That is some wise info so we can get through the holidays. Where can we connect with you online?
Lesli A. Johnson: My website address is yourmindfulbrain.com. I also have a second website: Asktheadoptee.com and my Twitter name is @Lesli, spelled L e s l i A Johnson, so @LesliAJohnson, and my Facebook page is yourmindfulbrain.com.
Haley Radke: Thank you.
Lesli A. Johnson: Sure. Thank you. Happy Holidays.
Haley Radke: You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Adoptees On, or we're on facebook.com/adopteesonpodcast. Please come and share your tips with us for getting through the holidays as an adoptee. You can expect more healing focused episodes with Lesli and other adoptee therapists during season two, which will begin in February.
Would you help spread the word? Review us on iTunes and tell one adoptee friend who's feeling the holiday stress, like I am. Just one last thing. I have an amazing social media intern, Calla. Thanks, Calla. And she is really excited about doing a little video project for us. If you're a fan of the show and would like to help Calla with this project, check out adopteeson.com/video for some further details.
Thanks for listening. Let's talk again soon.
