23 Keith - Late Discovery at Age 33
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/23
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season Two, episode 5: Keith.
I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today, I get to welcome Keith Sciarillo to share his story with us. Keith is a late discovery adoptee and he'll tell us all about who accidentally told him he was adopted, and why his mother wanted to keep it a secret forever.
We wrap up with some recommended resources for you. And as always, links to all of the things we'll be talking about today are on our website, adopteeson.com. All right, let's listen in.
I'm pleased to welcome Keith Sciarillo to the show today. Welcome, Keith.
Keith Sciarillo: Hi, Haley. Thanks for having me.
Haley Radke: Oh, it's my honor. I'm so excited to get to hear your story. Would you please just start with sharing that with us?
Keith Sciarillo: I was born in New York City in 1979. Both of my birth parents were… At the time, they were drug addicts. The woman that gave birth to me also suffered with mental illness for a big part of her life, as well.
And also she was—I'll try to word this properly, her occupation, quote unquote, was “in the service industry” (you know, service meaning herself). But my biological parents were actually in a seven to eight year actual relationship though (you know, while everything else was going on). I was in the hospital for a month after I was born, and then right away I went to my family (my adopted family).
The adoption didn’t go through right away. It took about four years to actually go through, so I was four years old when I was technically adopted. I grew up in a family of six of us, whereas I was the only adopted one. My adopted parents have five biological kids.
Well, they actually had four biological kids, then they adopted me. Then they had another one after they got me. I guess for the first seven or eight years, I grew up in Staten Island, New York, (which is kind of like the suburbs, you know?).
I guess I should mention that my parents got divorced when I was about five years old (my adoptive parents). I didn't see my adoptive father till I was 21 after that. You know, I basically kind of grew up without him. My mom was kind of, “six of us on our own” for a while. And so that was something I was kind of dealing with, you know, for a good part of my life already.
Yeah, we lived in Staten Island for a little while. Then we moved to Brooklyn, New York, and I lived there till I was about 13, 14 years old. Then I moved to New Jersey (south Jersey) for, I was about 23. After that, I moved down to the Washington D.C. area where I basically settled down with my own little family.
I guess here's where I could mention that I actually didn't find out I was adopted till I was about 33 years old (which was about five years ago). I had already established my own little life and then come to find out I was adopted.
I guess a lot of stuff I was already dealing with throughout life (with, you know, my father and stuff like that). And then my mom, being the way she is—the way she was. I mean, our relationship is kind of better now. I don't know, maybe she was really stressed out raising six of us, but, you know, it was kind of… You know, I don't know. It was kind of a weird situation.
Well, basically the way I found out at my daughter's first birthday party. And a cousin of ours was over the house, helping us get ready for the party. I was sitting down eating dinner, my wife and him and my daughter. He said, “Oh yeah, I heard…” He said, “I just found out about you a few years ago.” I was like, “What do you mean, ‘found out about me’?” He's like, “That you were adopted.” I was like, “No way.” I was like….
And I have my birth certificate, right? I had my short form birth certificate, which doesn't have that much information on it. It only has the name, the hospital, the date. So I was like, “No, look.” I was like, “My parents' names are my birth certificate. How can I be adopted?” And this is way before I knew about what birth certificates actually mean, especially for us adoptees.
I asked a bunch of people in my family about it, if it was true or not, and people just kind of… Nobody really gives a straight answer. They don't really say yes or no. They just—they'll laugh it off or they'd be like, “What do you think?” (you know, that kind of thing). I guess I put it in the back of my mind for a number of years. Yeah, then about five and a half years ago, it kind of resurfaced in my mind. I decided to actually look into it.
I was like, Oh, that adoption thing that somebody told me about. Okay. So, being that I was born in New York, I found some resources that I had to go through, to just to even figure it out. Because nobody would tell me (even my mom). Like nobody would just tell me, “Yes. You were adopted.”
Haley Radke: What did she say when you asked her?
Keith Sciarillo: She didn't really say yes or no. She was just like, “At this point in my life, it doesn't matter how people come into families” (or something like that). But I still didn't take that as a yes or no answer. It would've been a lot easier if she just said, “Yes, you were.”
I basically ten times over, verified it. First what I did, was I got my long form birth certificate. So on the long form certificate (what I learned in New York), is that I had an extra set of numbers on there. And I also had the letter “S” in front of my main birth certificate number (which means like substitute, or something like that).
And then I also looked at the file date. I was like, Okay, I was born in 1979, but it was filed in 1983. Of course, you know that means my adoption was finalized in 1983. So that was one way I verified it. Another way was, I basically emailed the courthouse. I asked them if there were any records of a Keith Sciarillo being adopted?
And it was weird, because it took about three or four months for them to actually reply. But their answer was “Yes.” Basically just, “Yes, we do have a record of…,” but they couldn't give me any more information, of course.
But actually, here's a pretty miraculous thing in my story, I think, where everything kind of opened up. Another thing I did was I registered with the New York State Adoption Registry. And for people that know about these registries, you know, they're put into place so people connect with their biological families, but a good percentage of the time, they don't work.
I mean, people don't even know about them. It's very flawed. It's a very flawed system. I mean, obviously, we had open records. (You know, birth certificates.) That's what works. But I did register with them.
They said it should take about six months to get back some of my non-identifying information. So I was like, “Okay. That's fine.” But what happened was, I actually got a reply back two weeks later and they said, “Oh, by the way, someone else is registered to connect with me.” I was like, “Okay.” From the little bit of research I did, I was like, Okay, yeah. I know a lot of times the birth moms will look for the child. Okay. So it's probably her.
But what ended up happening was it was actually my biological father who had registered with them. So that was kind of just surprising in itself. So, you know, we connected. After we connected, our first conversation was like a two hour conversation. And you know, he told me a bunch of stuff.
He gave me my biological mother's name, you know. With that piece of information, I definitely, you know, I sought her out right away. I was able to find a phone number for her. So I called that number. A man answered the phone. It was actually her husband of 25 years, so I talked to him for a little bit.
I told him, I said, you know, “Ana…” I said, I might be one of her children. He's just like, “Oh, that's possible. She had many children.” I said, “Okay.” You know, we hung up the phone, but something was telling me to call him back. So I called him back that night and he's like, “Yeah...” He said he was so shocked to hear from me.
I was like, “Okay…” And so he's like, “By the way, you know your grandmother, your grandfather, your uncle, your aunt, one of your sisters—they all wanna talk to you.” I was like, “Okay.” Next thing I know, I'm talking to my grandparents, you know? And then an aunt and uncle. Next thing I know, I have like 50 extra friends on Facebook, just from new biological relatives.
Haley Radke: You said you talked to your birth mother's husband, but she…
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she actually passed three years before I found her.
Haley Radke: I'm sorry.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah. It was like—I mean, honestly, when I first found that out, I think I did get a little choked up for a minute, but then all the information started coming to me, too. So I was like, No time for that.
Like, just my mind was just like “...,” (you could tell even how I am now). I'm just like… Like all the information is in my head, and I could let it out pretty easily. So, I don't really retain stuff. That's probably why I don't let things get to me too much, because I'm constantly taking stuff in and letting it out. I was having a conversation with one of my aunts and she told me, she's like, “Yeah…” She's like, “You know your mother, Ana, she had 10 of you.” I was like, “Okay. Okay. Really?”
Yeah. And actually I did remember that my biological father also told me that I have a full-blooded biological brother. She had six children before us, so actually there's only eight of us. You know, we were all given up for adoption, actually. So, you know, we all went to different families, except for two of them. We went to the same family.
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness. I'm just kind of in shock. That sounds like an overwhelming reunion. So many people and so much information all at once. How far between you finding out you were adopted to a reunion? What's the time span there?
Keith Sciarillo: I think I met my biological father probably about…I'd say about a month and a half.
Haley Radke: Wow.
Keith Sciarillo: You know, like I said, he gave me all the information I needed to connect with the other side. Actually, the reunion with my birth father was really great. It was just me, him, and my wife, actually.
We went to a restaurant close to me, out in Maryland. He lives in North Carolina now, so... You know, we all came from New York. Now we're a little bit further south. That's what happened with him. It was good. And then with my maternal side, a couple cousins set it up so I could go to the house and meet, you know, some relatives over there. That was in New Jersey.
So it was me, my wife, my two kids. We went up there to Jersey, we walked in the house and there's probably about 20 or 30 people there. And I'm related to, like, all of them. So, you know what I'm saying? Like they all kind of live in the area, I guess. A couple uncles, my grandparents were there... They're still alive to this day, actually.
Haley Radke: So can you go back to that moment where you're in the house with like 30 family members? How did that feel? Did you feel like you fit in? Tell us a little bit about that.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah, I think I actually did and I think a good sign of that was the fact that I was acting really goofy and silly, like most of the time. And it usually takes a while for me to get like that with people. You know, like usually I'm not…
It's funny, because a lot of people probably think I'm really serious when they first meet me. Until I'll say something really crazy, and if I see that they laughed or something, they thought it was funny, I'll just be a goofball the rest of the time. So that's kind of how I was with them the whole time. It was pretty interesting, like when someone would say, “Oh, you look like such and such,” or “You look like….” You know, “You remind me of such…” and all that.
Basically, before I found them, you know… (my biological mother died. Also two of my uncles had already passed away before I found them). I've seen pictures of them, and they're all showing me—They're like, “Yeah, you know, you look like this one, that one.” And I do.
So, you know, there's been a lot of loss even before the reunion happened. I mean, I say, like, lost opportunities to meet people that I probably could have met if I would've found out I was adopted five years earlier.
That's kind of like the gist of basically on their side. And I'm still connected to many of them till this day. Actually, one of my uncles that I met a couple times, he passed away like two years ago. And actually there at the funeral too, there were a whole bunch more cousins and a few more uncles that I still hadn't met yet.
Haley Radke: So when you think of your meeting your bio family and your interactions you've had with them, and then looking back to your childhood with your adoptive family—did you fit in with your adoptive family? Did you ever have any, like feelings, I'm different, or anything like that?
Keith Sciarillo: As far as family goes, I'll always say I fit in with them. Because I am their family. Like, you know, they were family. They never, you know, I was never treated any differently, you know what I'm saying? I never, like— They never gave it away that I was adopted. You know what I mean? But yeah, when I think back, yeah, I do look different than them.
I mean, I am different than them. I mean, as much as I love them (and I mean, you know, we all know we're different from each other)... Actually, I think they're all different from each other, to be honest. Like all six of us, like we're all alike, we're all different.
Haley Radke: Oh yeah. People have different personalities and characteristics, for sure. For sure.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah. Yeah. Like, but yeah, but I gotta say, I actually feel like I was different than a lot of people in general, because I—(and maybe that's also because I didn't really have anything to mirror the way I was, you know?).
When I did find that I was adopted, when I did start connecting with blood family, I think I did kind of go back to my childhood and I did start to realize things, you know? My energy and yeah, I'm definitely shorter than my brothers, you know? My sisters are all kind of like about my height and my brothers are almost 6’, about 6’. I'm about 5’6”.
Like my one brother had blonde hair, blue eyes growing up, and I'm darker and I have these greenish, crazy greenish-yellowish-grayish eyes (weird color eyes). Because my biological mother and biological father had– They both have, my biological father has blue eyes and my biological mother had hazel eyes.
So that's where that came from. A big compliment that people used to give me growing up was like, they said, my eyes were nice. Right? I was like, “Okay.” But I never, I didn't think much of it, because I mean, I didn't think about where it came from. There's so much that I learned, just from my bloodline, from my family history.
Like my grandfather on my mother's side is a World War II vet, so that's something I was like, “Oh, that's very cool.” You know what I'm saying? “That's a part of my blood.” It kind of does something for you. It's like you think, Oh wow, you know, like part of my actual history. Whereas, honestly growing up in my family that I grew up in, my grandfather was in the Navy and everything like that. But I don't know too much about his real history (or honestly, I don't know too much about our family history, really).
Maybe it just really wasn't talked about much. Maybe it wasn't talked about much with me, I don't know… You know what I mean? But then my biological family, there's so much rich history. Besides my grandfather being a World War II vet, my grandparents on my father's side were Holocaust survivors. Like that, that blew me away. I learned a lot about that, too.
Haley Radke: I think in reunion, we’re so curious about everything, everything. I think that a lot of those questions get answered that a lot of other families, you kind of think, Oh, your grandparents will be around forever. And you know, you don't kind of dig into that history.
But when you're in reunion, you just want everything. And I think maybe that's why some of us dig for those kinds of gems, and it kind of feels like you get rooted when you know those things. Yeah. That's so cool. That's really interesting history. I love that you have that for yourself now.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah.
Haley Radke: I kind of wanna go back just a sec. Can we go back and just talk about, so you find out you're adopted and you've confirmed it yourself. What do you do when you go back to your adoptive family with this? And like, did you go to your mom and say, “Um…I have this amended birth certificate”?
Keith Sciarillo: Oh, well, I, yeah, I gotta tell you, it was really, really interesting how I broke the news to her. That I knew my wife was about to take a trip to the Philippines to visit her family, right? It was gonna be like a two or three week trip. So I was like, Okay, I'm gonna take two or three weeks off of work and just take the kids to see family. That was my plan.
I was like—it was in the summertime. It was like right in the beginning of summer, around August, actually. So I already had this plan to visit my mom. I was gonna visit both of my brothers, visit my sister. You know, when I got that letter in the mail from the New York Registry saying that someone else is registered, that basically verified everything that I was adopted.
So I had this paper in my hand. And I think my mom had called me, because I was about to see her in two days, anyway. So she was asking me what kind of cereal I wanted for my kids. Right? I was like, “Okay.” And you know, on my mind is like, you know, these things are on my mind right now. So I'm like, I got really quiet on her. And I’ve got to say, like out of all the people in my life (and I know she's not like my blood mom or anything like that), but she kinda knows me better than anybody.
I mean, I hate to admit it, because we do clash a lot of times. But she knows me better than anybody, so she knew something was wrong. I just blurted it out and said it. I think my voice cracked (I think. I don't know). I was like, “I know I'm adopted.” Right? I was like, “I know I'm adopted. I figured it out.”
I don't think she really quite knew that I knew until I said, “Yeah, I know I'm half Puerto Rican and half...” It just said half Puerto Rican and half American on the registry. Because I grew up in an Italian Jewish family, and then I kind of learned that I'm a whole other race, too. So that's a whole other thing I was kind of learning about as well. I was like, “Yeah, I know I’m half Puerto Rican.”
I think when I said that, she kind of knew that I knew. She was pretty upset, actually. She was saying something about like, wanting to call New York and ask how this could happen. Like, 'cause I was never supposed to know. Like, I really was never supposed to know. I've been told that.
Haley Radke: Why do you think she didn't want to tell you?
Keith Sciarillo: What she always said was that she didn't want me to feel different. I mean, in some ways I kind of did. You know, I did look different and I was a little different anyway. But like I said, I was never really treated differently, per se. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was never singled out as different. They did a pretty good job of hiding it. To that extent.
Haley Radke: So you're what's considered a late discovery adoptee, because you found out when you're an adult. Can you tell us a little bit about that adoptee community and what would be different for a late discovery adoptee versus someone like myself?
I don't even know when I first knew, because my parents just told me, you know? From when I was a baby, obviously, because I don't have a moment where they sat me down. Like I just always knew.
Keith Sciarillo: One thing I think I noticed about late discovery adoptees, is that I think a lot of us always had an idea in our mind that that was a possibility. But it's not something that was really at the surface of it, because (for example), when people ask me, they say, “You know, you looked a little bit different and everything. How come you didn't know you were adopted?” And I just kinda say, “If nobody ever mentioned it, how would you ever know? How would you know you were adopted if nobody ever told you were adopted?”
The way everything happened with me…, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, I’ve been thinking about it. I did the birth certificate thing, and then I did the registry thing. And I basically got my answer with the registry, but I got more than that. I got an actual reunion out of it. Because I know a lot of people find out— You know, they'll go through their parents' belongings, or their parents will die and someone at the funeral will tell them, or, you know, they'll be in the attic, they'll find the papers... But that never happened with me.
Haley Radke: But still, to just have this cousin, kinda offhandedly say, “Oh I just found out about you a couple years ago.”
Like, “What do you mean?” To have other people know and you didn't? Like…
Keith Sciarillo: Like a lot of people knew. Actually, I think most people in my life (besides like some family friends) knew, but most of the relatives knew. Something funny happened, actually. Once I found out I was adopted, right? In my mind, I wanted to tell everybody that I was related to, because I was thinking… I was like, you know, If they ever need a kidney, I'm not gonna be able to help them. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like that kind of thing. I was worried about that.
So I called one of my cousins up. I told her, I said, “Yeah, you know, just a few days ago I found out I was adopted.” And I kind of said that to her, too. I was like, “So if you ever need a kidney, I can't help you.” Like, just kinda laughing like that.
“Oh…,” she's like, you know, she's like, “No. We knew.” Like they all knew, but actually they assumed that I knew as well.
Haley Radke: And your siblings?
Keith Sciarillo: I mean, they all knew, except for… I mean, a couple of 'em said they didn't know. I don't know. Just hard to believe that. But the ones that really did know, they said it was like my mom, you know… Out of everybody, I really do feel my mom should've been the one to tell me, anyway. You know?
I don't put any burden on anybody else for it. I think it was her job to tell me, like even my father, think about it. I really didn't have a good relationship with him. I didn't see him for years. He definitely didn't want to tell me.
Haley Radke: Oh, yeah. I agree. I mean, I wasn't implying that I thought they should have told you. I'm just–we're kind of joking about this, but to me this sounds so painful, because like everyone knows these things but you? That's not fair. I just…
Keith Sciarillo: Believe it or not, I think I roll with the punches in life, like with a lot of stuff that happens (even the adoption stuff). But I think what I've done—I've been finding positive outlets trying to deal with it. You know, I never started drinking, or doing drugs, or like taking pills, or anything like that (when all this stuff happened).
You know, what I did start doing was I did start trying to be—(I mean, I always thought I was a pretty good father, anyway). But I was like, Aw, man, I come from this situation. My kids will never know anything like that. So I'm gonna be the best dad I can be. (Even though I thought I kind of was already).
Then I started getting involved with a lot of adoption stuff. I started connecting with a lot of people in the adoption community, started getting involved with a few little things here or there, but I never really got too deep in anything. You know, I did talk about my adoption story a lot on Facebook online, and I think I connected with a lot of people that way.
And I saw this little chocolate thing I was doing. It was kind of keeping me busy and keeping my mind off stuff. I'd stay up till two or three in the morning, even though I had work the next day. I’d just make chocolates and I'd sell them. And it's funny, because actually some of my—most of my customers were other people in the adoption community. And they were just like, supporting it, you know?
I'm like, I would get back, I would make chocolates for different, you know, open records organizations. I made chocolates for a couple of them (like a foster care organization). Actually, I've always been seeking opportunities to get involved in, but it's been hard for me to really like, go full force with anything. Because I, you know, I do work a lot. I do have my little family already and I'm just always so busy.
But like, also recently I became a CASA (a Court Appointed Special Advocate for foster children). So I went through the training for that and everything, but I haven't been able to actually take on an actual case yet. I'll say this, one thing I learned–I mean, I could talk pretty openly about this, I'd say. I don't know if it has anything to do with what happened to me when I was in the womb, you know? I don't know if it has anything to do with like, you know, drugs or anything like that, or anything to do with some of the things I've read on being adopted.
I did talk to a couple therapists here or there (actually, I talked to a psychologist, a psychiatrist one time as well). I was like, you know, “I have this mental illness in my bloodline. Let me see if there's anything to that.” You know, everybody verified, they said, “No.” I guess I dodged a bullet, like as far as, you know, schizophrenia goes, or anything like that.
But they said, “Yeah, ADHD,” you know, “That's your thing.” You know what I mean? Like they said (and you can probably tell just talking from talking to me)... But, you know, I mean, everybody said, “You have this ADHD thing.” Okay. They said, “Do you want to take some medicine for it?” So, actually I did try that. I did try to take Adderall for like a couple months, and I didn't like how it made me feel, because it made me slow down.
I kind of like how I'm energetic and all that stuff. But I guess what I'm kind of getting into is like, it's the distraction part of it (kind of like what just happened in our conversation). Like, you know, I get super focused on something and I know I'd be great at it. But then, Oh, I see something else that I could probably try, and then I'll go for that. Like, that happens a lot in my downtime. Because as far as having a job (knowing that I have to go to work every day), I've been at the same company for over 14 years.
Like, you know what I'm saying? So I know I'm highly capable of maintaining something. I can maintain a relationship, I can maintain a job. I mean, I've had the same phone number for 14 years. I don't think I have that issue where I kind of jump around to different things as far as things that I know are essential to survival, or essential to life.
But when it comes to finding outlets and stuff like that, I think I need to keep busy. And I think I do need to find things to be involved in, or else I'm gonna do other stuff that may be destructive, like I may overeat. I know I'm capable of doing that.
I've had a tendency over the years (and I kind of don't do it anymore), but like, I'd have a friend from high school (who I haven't seen in like six or seven years), and I’d feel the need to just call them up and stay in contact with them. Even though I kind of know they probably don't wanna be bothered.
I don't know if that's part of my thing, being an adopted person as well. It's like, I can meet somebody and be like their best friend, like I've known them for years, but once they give me a hint (like once someone gives me a straight out hint) that they don't wanna be bothered, I'll never talk to them again in my life. And I'll be fine with that.
I've always kind of been like that and I never have any hard feelings about it. You know, that's kind of like how I am. And I think that's why I've been able to roll with the punches in reunion as well. Because you know, people do come and go, even without even realizing it. You know, we're all just busy with life anyway? Even with my siblings, my…
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Actually, I think it's a really good time to mention— I told you there's eight of us. We were all given up for adoption, right? Through a chain of events, through a domino effect, through I guess a lot of late nights, you know, researching and searching, I ended up finding all of them. Not on my own though. Not like, not on my own. I would never claim that.
Okay. I'll just go down the list real quick. There's one sister, she kind of grew up around the family, so they kind of knew who she was already. So, you know, there's one down. The Adoption Registry, I called them back up and I said, “Yeah, I know I connected with my biological father,” but I said, “I wanna give my biological mother's name, just in case anybody that's related to her is also registered.”
So I told them her name and her first name was Ana. They said, “How do you spell it?” I said, “A-n-a, it's just one N.” They said, “Oh,” they said, “We have an Ana, without last name, with two Ns.” I said, “No, no, no, it's one N.” And figured out there was a sister of mine that was also registered. The registry hit twice for me, which is very crazy.
Haley Radke: That's really unusual.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah, very unusual, like with these registries (if you know anything about them). So like, you know, I connected with her and then she's like, “I talked to this sister.” She's like, “By the way, I found one of our other sisters.” Like, “Okay, that's cool.” And they’re like, “Yeah, this sister, she grew up with one of our brothers.” And, “Okay, awesome.” So, “Okay, that's four of us down.”
You know, I just did more research. I looked in the– There's this book in New York where you could basically (it was a birth index that you could look at), look for people's names and stuff. They've closed it, but that's helped me a lot in my search. So I basically figured out a couple of the other brothers' birthdays, and through that information I was able to see, able to track both of them down (eventually).
Haley Radke: Do you have relationships with all of these people?
Keith Sciarillo: No, no. Actually I don't talk to any of them right now, because actually two of my brothers, they both died in the early thirties. One was— He had died because of diabetes-related stuff.
So that…you know, and then there was another brother who also had diabetes. They said something happened with his medicine. I don't know exactly what, but he had a bad batch or something and he died that way. So, you know, diabetes is something that I'm very familiar with, now, that's in my bloodline. So I've been kind of careful with that over the past few years (now that I know about it).
Haley Radke: So you stopped making chocolates?
Keith Sciarillo: Well, you know, it's funny, because I… No, actually I did kind of stop making chocolates anyway, just because it's time consuming and all that stuff.
But I know it's funny, because I knew about all this information, but then I was making chocolate. But yeah.... Miraculously, like, I'm perfectly healthy. There's nothing that I know of that's really wrong with me. So my biological father, he's healthy. His line of work, he has to lift heavy stuff. So I'm like, Okay, I hope in like 20 years, I'm still, I'm that strong too, you know?
Haley Radke: And you're still in a relationship with him?
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely, we talk all the time. Yeah. We've seen each other a bunch of times. I’ve visited him, he's visited me. Yeah, he's actually been great.
It's been great. And actually, it's funny, I was just talking to him the other day and you know, we were kinda laughing about it. I said, “Yeah,” I said, “We're more like brothers. Like more of a brother relationship,” you know? That's how it is. Like, you know, we're adults; not really a father-son... I could say he would've been a great father if I knew him growing up, but it's a good relationship, though.
Haley Radke: That’s good. Is there anything else that you kind of wanna talk about before we do our recommended resources?
Keith Sciarillo: I mean, I just hope that more people would not be afraid to share their stories, whether it's just posting on their Facebook or Twitters. Or you know, talking to people, going to support groups, or even talking to somebody one-on-one, because it's good to let this stuff out. Because I have heard of people getting sick from holding stuff in.
I mean, I just say, look at me. You know, I mean, I'm seemingly like, you know, happy most of the time. I smile a lot. I mean, I say it's because I let stuff out a lot. I don't really hold stuff in and, you know, it's kind of been like a blessing and a curse at the same time. Because I do talk a lot about stuff.
If anything, I just do it so other people won't be scared to. I mean, we all have our own stories. We all have our own situations. We all have different feelings. I know we all feel different ways about “a-word" (about adoption).
I'll just use a quick little reference that came to mind. Like, I'll say it's like a tornado, right? Like this tornado's coming out, this tornado's coming at you. And you know, you see all these words like “secrets,” “lies,” “deception.”
But then when you speak your truth and you speak with compassion and caring, you have good intentions towards others, it diminishes that tornado. Those things, you know, they don't have as much power. I guess I'll just say it like that.
Haley Radke: That's beautiful. And I know that you started your own adoptee support group in your area. I'd love to do that at some point too, but mine's just online instead.
Keith Sciarillo: Yeah, no, I'm actually part of a few online groups, which have been great. The in-person group has been great as well. It's been pretty easy to do. If everybody has any questions, I can let them know. Just like, you know, local libraries usually have rooms you could get that you don't have to pay for. All you need to do is supply some snacks and get some people to show up and, you know, you're good to go.
Haley Radke: Well, those are great tips. Okay, let's do our recommended resources, and mine is actually kind of a good fit for tonight. I follow Gregory Luce on Twitter. He is an adoptee rights lawyer. He's just started a new website and organization called adopteerightslaw.com, and he's tweeting @adopteelaw. It's so cool.
He just made up this Google map that you can click on that's original birth certificate access for all the states. And so it shows which states have access and which states don't. He's tweeting all these little interesting tidbits about different states and their, whatever, archaic rules (I guess I would say).
You know how in some states, you are required to do as many as 30 hours of counseling before you can access your records (things like that). Just really interesting things that I never knew. He's tweeting about that and he's updating his website, and he is just a new voice in the adoptee community that I really encourage everyone to follow.
I really look forward to what he's gonna be doing on his website. And he mentions on there, he's like, “I'm not trying to duplicate other work that's been done, just come alongside and supplement.” That's something I really would love everybody to follow. And he's got a Facebook page as well, so I'll link to all of those in the show notes.
And you brought a couple of blogs for us, Keith. Why don't you tell us about those?
Keith Sciarillo: Okay, sure. So yeah, the first one is, No Apologies for Being Me. It's actually run by one of my friends, Lynn Grubb. She's been really great. She's been… Well, she's been in a couple of books. And if you check on her blog, you'll see all of her information on there.
And then the other one is A Story with No Beginning: A Late Discovery Adoption Journey, by another friend of mine, Kevin Gladish. I hope he'll forgive me if I said his name wrong. But yeah, so, something I very much related to (being a late discovery adoptee as well).
Haley Radke: Yeah, that's great. I've been researching late discovery adoptees for a while and I'm not finding very much. So I'm really glad that you brought us Kevin's blog, in particular.
Thank you, Keith. Where can we find you online?
Keith Sciarillo: My name is Keith Sciarillo. I'm on Facebook. My last name is spelled S-c-i-a-r-i-l-l-o. Yeah, that's basically me on Facebook.
Haley Radke: Okay, awesome. I will link to your Facebook on our show notes.
Thank you so much for sharing with us tonight. I really think it'll be so valuable for our listeners to hear your story and some of your ups and downs. So thanks so much, Keith.
Keith Sciarillo: You're welcome. Thanks again for having me.
Haley Radke: Keith has made even more connections with his biological family than we even had time to discuss. His biological father has a teenage adopted son that Keith shares a birthday with. Wild.
If you wanna see some photos of Keith's chocolates, you can look up Jasijay Fine Chocolates (which is named after his kids). And they're on Facebook or Etsy.
I've got a new invitation for you. I've been telling you for a while about my secret Adoptees On Facebook group, which has turned out to be an incredibly supportive place. And I have another awesome thank you gift for partners of the show at the next reward level up, which is access to an unedited podcast feed. And the first episode of that special podcast will be out very soon.
Now is the perfect time to join, so you won't miss out on any of those bonus episodes. Adopteeson.com/partner is where you can access those rewards. I keep forgetting to share with you that Amy was the winner of the three recommended resources for doing my listener survey. I hope you're enjoying your reading, Amy!
Thanks to everyone who filled that survey out for me and to Anne Heffron, Liz Story, and Mary Anna King for generously furnishing copies of their books for that giveaway. Amy, Anne, Liz and Mary Anna are all a part of that secret Facebook group, which you can access @adopteeson.com/partner and watch for that unedited bonus podcast, coming out soon.
Would you do me a favor today? I would really appreciate it if you would share this episode of the podcast with just one person. Maybe a friend that likes chocolate? You could share a box of chocolates and listen to Keith's story together. Thanks for spreading the podcast love.
Next week, we've got an episode of the Healing Series for you, and we're gonna talk about how to tell your adoptive parents you are searching for your biological family.
Thanks for listening. Let's talk again, next Friday.
