32 [Healing Series] How to Choose a Therapist
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/32
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I'm your host, Haley Radke, and this is a special episode in our Healing Series. Normally, I interview therapists who are also adoptees themselves, so they know from personal experience what it feels like to be an adoptee. But today I'm going to be doing something a little different. I want to talk to you about how to find an adoption competent therapist.
But before we get to that, I just got a new review in Apple Podcasts that I want to share with you. This is from Kat Stanley. “Not long ago, my way of connecting with other adoptees (other than social media) was by reading their words via blogs. Now we have podcasts where adoptees' words come to life. As an interviewer, Haley has an amazing ability to help her guests feel welcome and accepted so they are able to open up and share their most intimate vulnerabilities. It's because of this openness that I'm often nodding my head in agreement and in a deep understanding of what another adoptee has experienced. Thank you, Haley, for this path of connection. Excellent Podcast!” Thank you, Kat, that was so sweet. I just loved reading that. What a nice surprise to find that.
So, I've recorded over 30 episodes now, and if you've listened to any of them, I think that you know my point of view: that we all have some healing work to do as adoptees. Whether or not you believe adoption can be a traumatic event, we have woundedness and loss from losing our connection to our family of origin. Why I wanted to talk to you about this today is because I think it's critical, to move forward in our healing journey, to get in a relationship with a therapist that is a regular thing, so we can move forward.
It can be really easy for us to get stuck, right? I have been there, and I know you have, too. Especially in the adopted community online, we can talk a lot about reforming adoption, and some of us call for an end to adoption, and we talk about all the ugly stuff that we're dealing with. But we can just talk and talk and talk about all of these negative things, but we're not actually doing anything about it in ourselves to heal our woundedness.
So today I'm just going to challenge you. If you're not already in therapy, I want you to consider investing in yourself, doing some self-care, and think about picking up that phone, making a phone call, and booking an appointment. I obviously think therapy is a critical part of the healing process, because when you're going to see someone every week, every two weeks, once a month, or even quarterly, you have an hour-long session. You can talk about things you're really struggling with. And these professionals are trained to see patterns, to reflect back to you some of the things that you're stuck in and help you break out of those. They can suggest all manner of strategies or exercises for you to heal. So don't discount it, that hour can be extremely powerful. And my psychologist often sends me home with a little bit of homework to do.
Let's talk about the different types of mental health professionals –and I'm just going to refer to everything we're talking about here as “therapy” and “therapists”, essentially– but I'm just going to go through a few of the different types first before we get into how to find your perfect therapist.
There's a variety of mental health professionals available, and they would have all different levels of training. This can often vary country to country, state to state, so I'm going to speak from what I know. I'm in Alberta, in Canada, and a lot of this is gonna be common to Canada and the US. Look up in your area if you're not sure if I'm teaching the right things here.
Okay. A psychiatrist: first they have been trained as a medical doctor, and then they've gone on to training in psychology. A psychiatrist is the only type of mental health professional that can actually diagnose someone with a mental illness and prescribe medication. So you may be seeing a therapist or something, and they might say, “You know, I think you might be depressed. You should go to your family doctor and talk to them about maybe going on antidepressant or something.” So they can recommend something like that to you, but they can't actually prescribe medication, whereas a psychiatrist can.
Next. this is often confused with psychiatrist: a psychologist. A psychologist is someone who does have a doctoral level degree, but they're not a medical doctor. They have their doctoral level training in psychology. Some provinces, even the one I'm in, they're only required to have a master's, but in most cases a psychologist would have a doctoral level degree in psychology. And there's research psychologists, but what we're talking here about is a psychologist that would be in counseling practice.
Next: a therapist. A therapist would most often have a master's level degree, and that could be in something like Social Work or Marriage and Family Therapy, something similar to that.
So these terms, “psychiatrist”, “psychologist”, and “therapists” are the ones that are most often protected. So that means they can only be used by people who are a part of that respective professional association. I can't call myself a psychologist, for example, because I only have my bachelor's in psychology. And I can't call myself a therapist, either, because I only have bachelor's level, I haven't joined a professional organization for therapists, so I don't have any of those letters behind my name. Sometimes “counselor” is a protected term as well, but not always. And words like “coach” or “life coach”, almost anyone can just– you can just call yourself a coach. There are some coaches and life coaches who have some kind of training, but that could be, you know, printing off an internet certificate, that could be a weekend seminar.
So you want to really make sure that the person you are trying out as a therapist is actually trained and has experience and is who they say they are. So if they're using one of those terms, a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or counselor, you want to make sure that they are actually that thing.
Okay, where do you find a therapist? There's so many out there, you wouldn't even believe it. There's so many, and you can ask around to friends and family. They might have someone that's really helped them. And I think referrals are often really helpful, actually. And you don't have to feel weird about going to see someone that your friend is seeing, because all of these professionals have to keep what you tell them strictly confidential, unless there is a threat of harm to yourself or others. They'll explain up-front to you what things they're not allowed to keep a secret from the law. They're required if there's a child in danger or something like that.
Where did I find mine? I was referred by one of the pastors at my church, actually to the practice that I went to. And this counseling group that I go to, mostly they treat foster children. So they have a variety: they have psychologists on staff, and then a number of therapists with master's level training in social work. My first therapist had her master's in social work and it was kind of funny, I was with her for about two years, and she was really great and she helped us with a lot of things. And I'm saying “us” because she even worked with me and my husband and my bio family to create some family rules, and she really helped us unify our family in a very healthy way. And so I really appreciate that.
Adoption was not her specialty. And so I think often she kind-of got caught up in our story. You know, people love a reunion story. They just do. It's like this, I don't know, it's the fairytale, right? So, I remember in the first few sessions, sometimes I'm like, ‘I feel like you're just listening to my story, but we're not doing any work.’ So I felt like I was the one that was often kind-of directing her back on task. So that was kind of awkward. Anyway, she retired and so I talked to the intake worker again, and she referred me on to one of the lead psychologists there, who is excellent. I'm so happy with her, and she's really experienced with trauma and that has served us very well to work together.
Another really cool tool that I had fun playing with when I was preparing for this episode is psychologytoday.com. They have a Find A Therapist tool –I'm just going to bring it up here if you hear my computer clicking– they have this Find A Therapist tool, which is so neat because you can just put in your city or your zip code and it'll bring up all the therapists in your area.
And you can filter by insurance, you can filter by issues they specialize in. You can choose a man or a woman. You can choose the types of treatments they specialize in, and they even indicate if they will do online therapy. So that is an option for you if you're in North America.
Can I just say, probably some of you are thinking, ‘Well, you know what? I live in a really small town and there is no one here that specializes in adoption trauma, like, I guarantee you.’ Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Maybe there isn't, but there are a ton of therapists who will do online work now, and you can Skype with them or they have some version of a video conferencing software that's totally secure. So you can give that a go. You can even do EMDR online. It's so cool. So don't let that hold you back.
Another thing you can do is you can just google your city, because not everyone will be listed on this Psychology Today website. You can google your city and put in “psychologist” or “therapist”, anything that you know you're looking for, and you'll see a few people come up for sure.
Okay, so maybe you have a list now, of five or six people that you could contact. How do you figure out if someone is an adoption competent therapist? It's really tricky, because sometimes someone can have “adoption” on their website, but maybe they are connected to an adoption agency and they are counseling mothers in crisis to relinquish their baby. You don't know. So I've got a list of questions here that you can ask, and you'll be able to feel out right away if they “get it” or not.
Sometimes if you're calling a larger practice that might have a number of different professionals on staff, you will likely have your first contact with an intake worker, and they'll give you a chance to ask some of your questions, and they may ask you, “What specific area are you hoping to work on?” And they will make a really good match with you and the therapist.
My experience with that was I called to make an appointment –my therapist had retired– and they said, “So what are some of the things you want to talk to someone about?” I explained my situation, and she said, “Okay, well I have this person who has worked a lot with this and this and this, and I have this other person who's worked with this and this. Do you think either of them would be a good fit?” And they also will tell you, like, “Oh, they work Thursday nights or they only do Saturdays,” because you actually have to find an appointment time, too.
So you might be asking these questions of an intake worker, and they might not know all the answers. Hopefully they do, but if not, it would be great to actually speak to the therapist on the phone before you even go in, because you might want to check some of these first:
Number one: “What is your training and experience, and your licensing information? What styles of treatment do you specialize in?” Remember, I was telling you about the Psychology Today website, and you can select by types of treatment orientation. I'm just going to read you, like, the first five: “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.” “Adlerian.” “Applied Behavioral Analysis.” “Art Therapy.” “Attachment-based.” “Biofeedback.” There's a ton. So, you want suss out what is their treatment style. Some of the most common that you'll probably hear will be that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very, very common right now.
Actually, EMDR is on this list. We had a episode on EMDR a while back, so you can go back and download that if you're interested. It's really effective on adoptees, so go back and listen to that if you haven't. What else? Oh, “Family and Marriage Therapy.” “Humanistic.” Oh my gosh, there's so many. So you can research a few of those if you want, and see what kind of style do you think would work best for you.
Second question: “Have you worked with adult adoptees before? Or any other member of the triad?” “Triad” would be adoptees, adoptive parents and first parents. Those are the three groups affected by adoption, and that's the triad. So if they don't know what the triad is, they probably aren't well-versed in adoption.
You could also ask, “Have you heard of The Primal Wound?” That's a book we often recommend by Nancy Verrier that explains some of the adoption loss. “Have you heard the phrase “out of the fog”?” So those are all, like, insider lingo that you probably have heard me use before on the podcast or some of my guests. And if they don't really know what any of those terms are, they probably haven't worked with adoptees who are “out of the fog” before. And that's okay, they don't have to have. We're going to keep going down this list of questions, and you'll figure out if they're gonna be able to help you or not.
Next, number three: “Are there any issues that you see as common to adoptees, and how would you work with someone on that?” You've heard us talk in so many different episodes, I ask adoptees what they've struggled with, and you probably have recognized some of those things in yourself. Do you struggle with attachment? Do you struggle with your identity? Do you struggle with commitment? Do you struggle feeling loved or worthy? Do you struggle with fear of rejection? All of those things are very common to us adoptees, and hopefully this potential therapist could name some of those things and explain, “Well, I've noticed a lot of adoptees struggle with fear of rejection, and here are some strategies that I might work with someone on.” They should be able to explain that to you.
Number four: “Do you believe that adoption can be considered a traumatic event for the mother and child? And do you have any training in helping someone with PTSD or other trauma?” Now, I mention this here, because when I asked in the secret Facebook group I have for Patreon supporters –Thank you, guys! This show, brought to you by my special Patreon supporters– when I asked in the group, “What did you do to find a therapist, and do you have any tips? Because I'm gonna be recording this episode,” I had two different people say, “My therapist was not adoption-competent, but they specialized in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” So if you go to someone who has specialized training in that area, and you can explain to them, “Adoption actually has very similar presenting issues as PTSD,” then they will know how to work with you.
That's why I said keep going through the questions, because this could be something that you check off on that Psychology Today list, looking for someone who works with PTSD. And I'm not saying you have PTSD, I'm just saying that if they know how to work with trauma, then they know how to work with an adoptee, especially if you recommend to them, like, “I'd love to work with you, but could you first read The Primal Wound? Or could you first look into these couple different things and then you'll see what adoptees struggle with, and that's what I'm going through.” Now, they may not like, be like, “Oh sure, I'll read this 500-page book before I start working with you.” That might not happen, you know, because what if you decide not to work with them? As you go through your therapy and you build up a relationship they might want to learn more about those things. So anyway, that's an aside.
Last question, and this is a question from Lesli Johnson. She's one of the therapists I featured on the Healing Series before, and I just want to thank her, because she gave me some guidance on this episode, so, thank you, Lesli. The last question from her is: “Do you believe a family created by adoption is the same as one where all members are biologically related? Can you explain why or why not?”
So all of those, that pack of questions, you might think, ‘Whoa, this is kind of a lot.’ If you're nervous, you can just go down the list one by one, or, you know, you'll get a sense after you ask the first couple questions if they’re actually interested in exploring with you.
The therapist wants this to be a good fit for you, because they know if it's not a good fit, it's not going to be successful. So you don't have to be nervous about it. They are used to answering these questions, and they want it to be a good fit because this is why they got into the profession. They want to help people, they want to bring healing to people, and it's okay to ask them these questions, I promise. They're totally used to it.
Now the last thing is, no matter what –if they're specialists in PTSD, maybe they have seen a ton of adoptees and they know exactly what The Primal Wound is, and they can recite you passages from Nancy Verrier and Betty Jean Lifton, they know their stuff down– it has to be a good fit. You need someone who is a good fit for your personality. So some of us, maybe, who are a little extra sensitive like me and I don't do well with someone that is super pushy and “you should do this.” Most therapists aren't going to be doing that, but I need someone to hand hold me a little bit. Then again, sometimes I need a bit of a push if I'm stuck. Sometimes we have blind spots and we need someone to hold up a mirror for us and say, “You have pushed away the last five friends you've had, and I think you have a fear of them rejecting you, so you're rejecting first.” So you need someone that can tell you the truth.
Not all of your conversations with a therapist are going to be comfortable, you know. Some of their job is to make you uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean you want to go in every week and say something like, ‘Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have to go see Bob again. He just makes me feel like a total loser.’ You're just not going to go. So it's got to be a good fit. And an experienced, excellent therapist will be able to do all of those things: hand hold, push you if you're stuck, hold up that mirror, and know when to do which strategy. But you still need someone who's not going to rub you the wrong way all the time.
Actually, here's my, like, “behind the scenes” story: I interviewed a therapist to see if they would be a good fit for the Healing Series. And this is a very experienced person, a lot of knowledge about adoption trauma and adoptee issues. And I had a list of questions I went through to make sure that they were “out of the fog”, so to speak.
And they came across to me so condescending, and kind-of arrogant, and I thought, ‘Oh my goodness, I can't put this person on the air.’ This person has helped a ton of people. They've helped a ton of people, and I couldn't go to them personally because they wouldn't be able to help me. It's such a turnoff for me when someone, you know, thinks they know everything.
Okay, is that too much? Overshare? I'll reel that back in. So, all that to say, is even if someone's an expert, and you see, “I'm an adoption competent therapist, I can really help you,” if it's not a good fit, if you don't feel like you're being listened to and actually heard, then you need to move on to the next person on your list.
So those are all my tips for you. I really am hoping that you will go ahead and look up a few therapists. Maybe if you're in an adoptee support group, you could ask your peers, “Is there anyone you're seeing that you would recommend?” Can you do it? Would you do that today?
I know that it can be very expensive and that can be a real barrier. Another question you could ask is if they have a sliding scale. A lot of therapists, especially if they work in a practice where there's many of them, they often do have a sliding scale, which means you can pay based on income and your coverage and stuff. So that's something to ask about, too, if money is an issue and it's really expensive, I get it. Is your mental health worth it? Is it worth it to spend money taking care of you? I think it is. I just want to challenge you: maybe now you could make yourself a priority and you could find some money in the budget to take care of yourself in this way.
You don't have to go weekly, like I said before, maybe it's once a month, maybe it's quarterly. You could go to someone every six months. You could have a session and talk about what you're really struggling with and they'll know, ‘I'm not gonna see you again for six months.’ So they can give you, like, “Okay, maybe you can do X, Y, Z in the next six months.”
I'm telling you, anything we do to move forward, even if your appointment is every six months, that is more than nothing. So invest in yourself, invest in your mental health, you're worth it, and let's move forward in healing together. If you commit to looking for a therapist, if you are going to promise to me now that you're going to look for someone, I will make my next month appointment. It's something I've been putting off, too. We're worth it, we really are. You're worth it. Make the time. Just go do it. There, that's bossy Haley, coming out.
Again, I want to thank Lesli Johnson, she gave me a little bit of guidance on this episode. You can find past episodes that feature Lesli, and all of our other Healing Series episodes on Adoptees.com/healing.
At the end of every episode, I usually ask you to tell one friend about the show, but today I'd like to ask a different favor. I'm launching a contest to celebrate Adoptees On one-year anniversary, July 1st. Can you believe it? A whole year? I can. It's a big favor, but I really need your help. I need you to help me spread the word that Adoptees On is a must-listen show for adoptees.
Here's how you can help: You can leave me a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, which used to be called iTunes. You can tag or link to Adoptees On on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook, and tell your friends why they should be listening. Maybe even suggest a specific episode that you love. Next, head over to Adopteeson.com/contest and just let me know what you did. I'm giving away five autographed copies of a book by my dear friend, Anne Heffron. Her memoir You Don't Look Adopted is the best adoptee memoir I've ever read, and you will love it, I promise.
She will personally mail it to you if you live in the US, and if you're outside of the US, I will send you an e-copy instead. So that's not going to be autographed, obviously, but I could probably convince Anne to write you an email or something to go along with your ebook. I am going to read some of my favorite podcast reviews on the show, like I did in the start of this episode, and I'm going to choose five winners.
So write your review or share the show, and go to Adopteeson.com/contest and send me a note telling me what you did and your mailing address. I already gave away one book last week because I was so excited to get started, so I'm going to pick another winner this week. Make sure you get in on it before next Friday.
Last thing: if you want to join that secret Facebook group I mentioned earlier, go to Adopteeson.com/partner, and you can find out how to sign up to support my show monthly and have access to that group. Thank you for listening, let's talk again next Friday.
