43 [Special] Live Recordings from the Concerned United Birthparents Retreat
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/43
Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You're listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is season three, episode four, live recordings from the Concerned United Birth Parents Retreat. I'm your host, Haley Radke. I have a bit of a different show for you today. This is a compilation of in person interviews that I did with several different people, and I hope it will give you a taste of what the retreat was like.
So I was at the Concerned United Birth Parents Retreat in Carlsbad, and that was Beginning of October in 2017, and after all the sessions I attended, I went over to Facebook Live and I did a bunch of little recap [00:01:00] videos. So if you want to learn about some of the content that was taught in the presentations go on over to Adoptees On Facebook page, and then you can watch those videos there. They're really short, like five minutes each. And I just do a little summary of what was taught and what were highlights for me. And I summarized my notes from each session. And if you have questions about that, just post them under the video.
I'll see those and I'll be able to whatever. If I need to write you out the whole name of a speaker that was presenting, or if I have contact info for them or something, if you want to reach out, let me know, or you can just message the Facebook page. I'm happy to connect you. And so these interviews are more personal in nature.
They're very short, but I just really wanted to get a sense for why people come to retreats or events like this and what they've learned and what they want everyone to know about adoption and how it's impacted their [00:02:00] life. And so if I'm being very candid with you, which I always am it's a very hard thing to be at an event like this because everyone is hurting.
And we have come here together to find some sense of community and me too, and also looking for healing. The thing about doing these interviews, even though I don't feel like I'm asking very hard questions, sometimes people open up and I feel like I'm cracking someone open. It's very hard. When you see someone in person and you see their face when you've asked them this question that maybe they didn't wanna, maybe they didn't wanna address, it's really hard.
And there's nothing I can say that will take away that hurt. I tread very carefully and I hope that [00:03:00] these little glimpses will give you a piece of what it was like to be there. And encourage you to also go to another retreat or conference or support group where you too can be with adoptees or with first parents in real life.
I'd really encourage you to do that. Okay. So I'm just going to play these back to back. And I give introductions during the live interview, if they would like to say their name, they do. And then some of them ask to be anonymous. So I've left that part out. Okay, that's it. Let's listen in.
Hi, can you tell me your name?
Amy Huckaba: My name's Amy Hecuba.
Haley Radke: And Amy, what brought you to this retreat?
Amy Huckaba: This is my first time going to an adoption retreat. It's been a big [00:04:00] year. I we have been in reunion for almost a year now, and it's been such a great thing that I love talking about it with other people, and it's been really fun meeting people and sharing stories.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Yeah, it's like it's amazing the connections you make and you can meet people in real life. It was so great. Awesome. What is one thing that you wish people knew about adoption that the general public doesn't know?
Amy Huckaba: What pops in my head is actually what I wish is that everybody knew about DNA because it is magic. I really wish that it's happening people are using DNA to find their people, but I just want it to be, like, a household fact, everybody knows about it and everybody is really comfortable and feels like they have the right to know who they come from..
Haley Radke: So is there anything that you would say to just someone who doesn't even necessarily have a [00:05:00] connection with adoption, but about just testing, how can that be helpful for adoptees who are searching?
Amy Huckaba: Like a lot, what a lot of people don't understand that they think that, their actual people they're looking for have to have tested. And it isn't the case at all that now that there's millions and millions of people doing DNA, all you have to do is connect up with maybe a second cousin or even a third cousin. I found my birth mom just from third cousin matches. And of course, the more people that, that do DNA, the, greater the database to help people. Get their answers.
Haley Radke: Oh, that's so interesting. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. Is there anything that you're really hoping to learn or take away from this weekend?
Amy Huckaba: You already said it. It's just we have this amazing community, but we are, communicating like virtually, and so to actually be together and share space and look people in the eye and hear their stories and give a hug [00:06:00] and it's incredible to, if I guess I'm just like, sold that, it's community it's great. And especially meeting people in person, it's awesome.
Haley Radke: Great. Thank you Amy.
So can you tell me where you are in relation to adoption and what brought you to this?
Anonymous: I'm a mom. Almost two decades. I mostly came here just to meet internet friends. That was the major pull. Because one of them said, you have to come.
Haley Radke: I think I know who that was.
Anonymous: That's the main reason I'm here. The other reason is just curiosity. Just to see what what was going to be said and.
Haley Radke: Have you been around other adoptees and moms?
Anonymous: Not like this.
Haley Radke: Not in person?
Anonymous: Definitely not in person.
Haley Radke: No, and not this many.
Anonymous: Yeah.
Haley Radke: And do you have one or two takeaways, things [00:07:00] that you've learned this weekend?
Anonymous: One thing was just, I was very comfortable knowing that each person that was here shared in a similar story, so it throws your defenses off that you don't have to be insecure about your story. So that was freeing that I learned that, once I got here, it's like everybody played a part in this story.
So we all have these pains and insecurities. So that was a comfort. I think I learned more from the adoptee perspective. I've definitely, had two decades of my own perspective. So it was interesting, the addiction panel yesterday was interesting that it was three adoptees that spoke, so it was interesting to hear it from their perspective, and then the, wow, there were a lot of adoptees that spoke this week because the healing panel, [00:08:00] both of,
Haley Radke: yeah Leslie and Tracy are both adoptees and therapists. Yeah.
Anonymous: Yeah, so it was really nice. I know the mom perspective, so it was nice to be able to hear the other side of it.
Haley Radke: And I, of course, I feel the other way, right? Like I, I know the adoptee perspective, so I love hearing from the moms. Yeah, absolutely. And I wish there were, fathers represented too, but I think I, I saw one. So one person say that he was a father.
Anonymous: A lot of what I took away was as a mom in a crisis pregnancy you have so many people telling you that you're you're being selfless, and this is how a mom behaves that you are supposed to be selfless for this child and not think about yourself, and you're supposed to do the best for them and give them opportunity that you're being told that you could never provide to these children.
Coming here and hearing their perspective, [00:09:00] that all I wanted was my mom. And I wanted to know about who I was and like mirror images and, there's this hole that adoptees have. That as a mom, I was never told that like it was supposed to, I was supposed to be thanked for giving my child this opportunity, which is gross in itself because honestly, I don't want my child to come back to me and say, thank you for not raising me.
That's offensive in itself, but it was nice to hear that adoptees miss their mothers, that we weren't just this shell that gave life to them, because it's really hard to live the rest of your adult life believing you were just this baby maker, this shell of a person. That nobody, you had no value other than the fact that you could provide a baby for other [00:10:00] people.
So it was healing in a lot of ways. It gave me a sense of self to understand I was important. These mothers of these adoptees were important people and they missed them. So That was nice to hear.
Haley Radke: So can you tell us who you are and what is your relationship to adoption?
Reshma McClintock: I am Reshma McClintock and I am an international adoptee from Calcutta, India. I was adopted and arrived in the U. S. at three months old. I grew up in Oregon with a really wonderful family. And I recently went back to Calcutta for the first time since leaving 37 years ago.
Haley Radke: You have a documentary that's coming out about your story next year, so that's great. It's good to know that. And you also started the website Dear Adoption, which we love at Adoptees On for sure. What brought you to this conference?
Reshma McClintock: I am always looking to build community between adoptees and first parents [00:11:00] and to connect with other adoptees and hear their experiences.
I've only recently really heard the stories from the first parents and the grief and the weight that they are carrying is similar and different to the grief and the weight that adoptees are carrying. And so I was just coming to hope to connect to other people who have experienced the same kind of traumas.
Haley Radke: What are some takeaways? Did you learn anything or, yeah, have any moments that are like, whoa, my gosh, I can't believe that someone shared that yeah, during the sessions or anything?
Reshma McClintock: I think, honestly, my biggest takeaway is just experiencing the vulnerability of other people who have been so severely traumatized and grieved by adoption.
As society as a whole typically views adoption in such huge generalities. I think that my frustration with that stems around the fact that there are people who are willing to be vulnerable and honest and open and talk about their [00:12:00] grief, but I just don't feel they're heard. And I think that they're so frequently shut down.
In a space like this, at an adoption conference, It's amazing the different conversations you walk up on the way that people are willing to share their story and talk over lunch or talk in the lobby and kind of dive into their grief because it's such a safe space. And my frustration is that the world is not that safe of a space for them.
We have to come together away from the rest of society and, exclusive way so that we can have safe space to talk about this. And I don't know, my biggest takeaway from this is that everyone needs to go to an adoption conference. Not just first parents, not just adoptees. Definitely adoptive parents, definitely pastors.
I think, there's this assumption with any kind of a conference that, oh, I wouldn't go to an accounting conference because I'm not an accountant. But, accounting doesn't really enter my life very often. But the reality is, there are millions of first parents and adoptees there are millions of people on earth that are experiencing these [00:13:00] losses that have experienced it, that endure the suffering and the grief and the trauma every day.
And the rest of society interacts with us, but doesn't acknowledge that grief as easily as they may other griefs and traumas that other people experience, which I also recognize. Other people experience grief and trauma in many ways. And we've talked about this many times, for some reason adoption, under the umbrella of adoption, it's so difficult for society to acknowledge that kind of grief and trauma.
And so I think everyone needs to go to an adoption conference. I would start with pastors. I think that our pastors need to come to these adoption conferences. If they're going to preach about adoption, if they're going to talk about adoption in their churches, they need to come here first.
Haley Radke: Well said.Is there anything else that you want to share?
Reshma McClintock: I would only share that adoption conferences are hard it's a very raw as I said before, very vulnerable place to be. There's a lot of diving in to some untapped emotions or some purposely intentionally buried [00:14:00] emotions. And it's really hard, so I keep saying we're all going to have kind of an adoption hangover next week.
It's a lot to process, and you have to be really careful with yourself. So while I do recommend everyone in the world go to an adoption conference for those specifically affected by the trauma. It's a lot. And, I would venture to say that our pastors would also have an adoption hangover. And I think that the church needs that.
I think we need to pause. And stop and really look at all of this. It can be really difficult, but it is a really fruit bearing thing, I believe, when we are vulnerable and we share our experiences. I think, overall, it's good, it's very hard, it's difficult, but overall it's very good and beneficial.
Haley Radke: Can you, last question, can you just tell us a little bit about Dear Adoption?
Reshma McClintock: Dear Adoption. com is a website I created as a platform for adoptees to share their stories, to share their grief, their joys to expand on their losses. The reason I started it initially is because I noticed a trend.
It took me a long time to notice it, [00:15:00] frankly, because I was so heavily fogged. But I noticed a trend a very obvious trend, that when an adoptee begins to share their story, they're very quickly dismissed and very quickly silenced and I started receiving emails and messages on Facebook and social media from adoptees saying, I'm trying to share my story.
I try to tell people but nobody will listen. I just don't feel like I have a space to do that and I wanted to have a website and there are many websites. I'm a fan of everybody, but I wanted to have a space. I wanted to do my part to create a space. For adoptees exclusively to share for us to find resources that are created by adoptees.
And so we promote everyone's podcast Adoptees On, we love Adoptees On we put, we promote all adoptee driven blogs, podcasts, websites, books, all of that kind of stuff, because I just want I think one of the biggest things about Dear Adoption is [00:16:00] that we say our tagline is giving voice to those most affected by adoption, adoptees. And I truly believe that. I think adoption, has this major rippling effect and obviously it affects parents who have lost their children to adoption and it affects adoptees in the triad. Adoptees are the only group of people who had no say, who've had no voice. And I think it's really important that we elevate the adoptee voice to the top, frankly.
So that's the point behind that and it's been really amazing. I have learned so much from the posts at Dear Adoption and it's, it can be really difficult to read at times, but it is so important that we stop and listen and I cannot tell you how much I've learned. I'm so thankful to those who have been so willing to be vulnerable and to all those to come who are going to be willing to be vulnerable And for other people who are listening and actually absorbing and hearing what we're saying without the pushback[00:17:00]
Haley Radke: Okay, can you tell us who you are in relation to adoption and what brought you to this retreat?
Anonymous 2: I am an adoptee and a first mom And I came to, this is my first retreat, and I came just to meet so many of the people that I've known over the internet.
Haley Radke: And do you have any big takeaways, things that you've learned over this weekend?
Anonymous 2: I just really noticed how valuable it is to have these relationships with people to know them and meet them in person, and just to know that you're not alone out there in your feelings. And then just to have time to just sit and share our stories. It's really special.
Haley Radke: Is there anything that you wish the general population knew about adoption?
Anonymous 2: I don't think, I don't think that society understands that it's not always this beautiful happy ending, selfless story. And a lot of people are walking around just [00:18:00] in a lot of pain and they're trying to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. So I wish that people could understand it's. It's so much more than just creating a family.
Jennifer Fredericksen: My name is Jennifer Fredrickson and I am a grandmother of loss.
Haley Radke: And what brought you to this retreat?
Jennifer Fredericksen: Because I wanted to see my friends.
Haley Radke: Internet friends in real life.
Jennifer Fredericksen: Friends in my life and hang out and no, I'm just kidding. That was really the answer.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any big takeaways from this weekend? Anything that you learned that you didn't know before or that got you just fired up?
Jennifer Fredericksen: The thing that I really realized for myself was I have trauma in my own life to handle before I handle this adoption trauma around me. That's pretty much the thing. I really recognized.
Haley Radke: Okay That's big.
Jennifer Fredericksen: Yeah. [00:19:00]
Haley Radke: Is there anything that you think you know, society has misconceptions about adoption, you know that but what do you wish people knew about adoption?
Jennifer Fredericksen: I want people to know that when you release a family member to strangers, you will miss that family member forever.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Thank you.
Jennifer Fredericksen: It doesn't go away. And they're your family. You can't get them back. Ever the way they were supposed to be.
Haley Radke: Like what did I tell you guys? Can you imagine being me and asking what I think is a simple question and you know you hear these heartbreaking moments so I'm so glad I got to do that for you. The live videos are way more fun. And not so emotional. I do have two more adoptees to hear from. Here they are.
Anonymous 3: I'm [00:20:00] a Cologne based photographer, activist, and international adoptee. Right now I'm starting a project where I will take photographs of Colombian first mothers. Like for most of us, my mother was erased on my birth certificate and illegal fiction denies her existence. But we as adoptees are the living proof that those women do exist.
I never knew anything validated about my own mother, but I know that we need our mothers to be present in our lives. In my project I want to show their faces and their stories, so despite any language barrier or distance, they cannot be overseen anymore. The next two days I will still be crowdfunding my project.
No mother, No Child on Kickstarter. As a community, we can do great, so please make sure to make any donation you can afford to make this really happen and to make our mothers visible again.
Haley Radke: Okay, that's the [00:21:00] first one. If you want to support this Kickstarter project, go over to kickstarter.com and search No mother, as in N O No Mother, No Child. And you will see her project there. And if you feel called to support her, go ahead and do that. That would be awesome. I love supporting fellow adoptees here. And, speaking of, here is the next clip.
Rebekah Henson: Did you hit record already?
Mary Anna King: I did.
That's me and my sister Rebekah. We are two of a set of seven biological siblings who were adopted by five different families and grew up apart.
This was recorded one night a couple of summers ago on the one and only time that all of my siblings and I have been in the same place at the same time. If you've ever wondered what a reunion 30 years in the making sounds like, I'll play it for you, [00:22:00] but you might want to turn down your sound for a couple of seconds.
Alright, everybody in! Yay! Oh my god! We're all together for the first time. That's insane. On paper, my mother is my sister, my brother is my nephew, and four of my five sisters are strangers to me. Bastards is the true story of my journey to finding them. And myself, again, it's available at a bookstore near you.
And until October 17th, you can purchase the ebook for 1. 99. Thanks Haley and Adoptees On for elevating adoptee voices.
Haley Radke: Thanks Mary Anna. If you want to go back and listen to Mary Anna's episode. I interviewed her in Season 1, Episode 7, and she shares a little bit more about her story there. And then I also got a chance to interview Rebekah, one of Mary Anna's sisters.
And she, her episode is Season 2, [00:23:00] Episode 9. So if you want to get a taste from another perspective of Mary Anna's siblings, you can listen in on Rebekah's story. I just want to say that I got to meet a ton of listeners at the retreat and that was so fun. I told my husband, this is the good kind of famous, now this is in quotation marks famous.
Okay guys. I know I'm just a podcaster. I totally get that. No one will ever recognize me at the grocery store, but when I'm at an event like this, I do have people come up to me and say, are you Haley? Which I mean, I'm just being super honest. It feels really nice and like humbling. It's very fun.
So I had a bunch of listeners come up to me and I got to meet some patreon supporters in real life, which was also amazing. And so I have this group of people who support the show monthly and Patreon is a website that [00:24:00] takes monthly pledges. And as a thank you, I have an Adoptees On secret Facebook group, which is growing and has really had this amazing community come together. It's just been so special to see so I just want to thank you guys so much for standing with me, partnering with me and making it possible, like actually literally possible for me to keep podcasting and sharing these shows with you. So thank you so much.
If you want to join and partner with me and help keep adoptee voices loud and getting out there into the world. Go to adopteeson.com/partner and you'll get all the details there. Very last thing before I say goodbye for today, would you tell one person about Adoptees On? If you are able to, you can show them how to subscribe on their phone and how to download episodes [00:25:00] over wifi so they can listen on their commute or running or whenever you listen, do you listen when you do the dishes?
I love doing the dishes and listening to podcasts. That's one of my favorite things. Not doing dishes, listening to podcasts. When I do chores. So I would love it if you would share the show with one person in that way. That would mean so much to me. And thank you for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.
