5 Ellie
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/5
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season One, episode five: Ellie. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today, we're going to be talking to Ellie, a fellow adoptee who will be sharing what it's like to be adopted by extended family members. We discuss what her relationship is like with her birth mother currently, and her longing for something more. We wrap up with some recommended resources for you.
I'm pleased to introduce you to our guest, Ellie. Ellie is an in-family adoptee. Welcome. Thanks for joining us today.
Ellie: Hi. Thank you for having me.
Haley Radke: I'd love it if you'd start just by sharing your story with us.
Ellie: Okay. So it's a little complicated. I'll try and give the basics. So my biological parents (birth mom and birth dad), they met when they were in their, oh, early twenties. He was in the Air Force and they met; they got married. There's some speculation as to whether or not they were already pregnant with me when they got married. I don't know for sure if that's true, but at some point during her pregnancy, he cheated on her and they got a divorce.
And along the lines, my birth mother, (she was, you know, 23), didn't know what to do. Obviously, her husband turned out to be a jerk. So my adoptive parents, (so this is where the whole family part gets complicated through adoption). My birth mother is my cousin. I was adopted by my birth mother's aunt and uncle (so biologically, my great aunt and uncle). And that's really hard to follow, I know!
So through adoption, she's now my cousin. So they (her aunt and uncle) had offered to take me for a time to let her get back on her feet, you know, figure life out. And at some point, about a month before I was born (and again, there's conflicting reports here), she decided that she was going to give me up for adoption for good.
And the reasoning…there's been two reasonings. One was that she wanted me to have a mom, and a dad, and siblings. I have three older sisters that are my adoptive parents’ biological children (so I'm the only adopted child in my family). So she wanted me to have two parents and a family, and she, I think, really also wanted to go back to school, and have a life, and have a career. And to her credit, she's a very, very successful woman. So, I mean, that worked out.
So, I was born in March 1989 (I'm 27 now). I was born and my adoptive mother flew out to California (where I was born). It was there–it was about a month after I was born, they finalized the adoption. I was given a different name when I was born, but my adoptive parents changed it (which is good, because I didn't like my first name). And that was sort of that.
And my mom flew home with me and my dad and sisters met me at the airport and had this whole little family reunion type thing. And some stranger, who probably had no idea why this woman is walking off the plane holding a pretty newborn baby and this whole family is so excited… He probably had no idea what was going on, but he offered to take their picture. So I have a picture of that, which is neat.
I don't know. There's not, it's never really been a reunion. It's just always been there. They had pictures and you know, “how I was doing” updates sent for the first couple of years. I think they came to visit once or twice. Or we would see them when we went out to visit family out there.
But I guess the part—I believe I talked about this on one of my blogs. The part, I guess, for me that was the reunion was when I was 11. My grandfather passed away (my grandfather on my mom's side). And so we had to go out there for his funeral. And it was sudden, and so maybe the night or two before we left for the funeral, my parents sat me down at dinner and proceeded to explain to me that this blonde lady (that I had always known as my cousin) was, in fact, my birth mother.
And to this point, I had known I was adopted. They told me that from the start. Before I even knew what the word meant, I knew that I was adopted. I knew (whatever that meant), I knew what it was. I knew I was that, and they'd always said it was in-family, but it never really registered what that meant or who it might be.
And people have asked me, “Well, did you wonder? Did you have any idea?” And I really didn't. It wasn't something I'd thought about. I was 11, it just hadn't crossed my mind. So that was a bit of a jolt, to say the least. And then to have to go out and see her and face her.
And honestly, I guess one of the most dramatic things… And it's not like anything significant happened. I just had no idea how to handle it. So that was my reunion, I guess.
Haley Radke: I'm just—I'm sorry, I'm just in shock. You know, the most common story for adoptees, mostly, that I've heard so far is that their biological parents were teenagers or… But yours were marr—I mean, my goodness! What a complicated situation.
Ellie: And that's the part that I've struggled with a lot. My birth father is not in the picture. They divorced. I think he stayed in contact for the first year I was born and since then, nothing. At some point, he found my birth mother on Facebook and I then saw his profile. And proceeded to block him immediately, because I wasn't ready for that. Didn't like what I saw. I just didn't really want to deal with that.
But I guess what bothers me is that, you know, she was 23. She was a stable person. She had her parents there for support. And it's always struck me as a little bit of a selfish decision. It's both selfless and selfish in my opinion.
She had good intentions in wanting me to have two parents and a family, and I am always grateful for that. But at the same time, she got to go out and live her life and be very successful and I… You know, it's one of those things you just kind of question.
Haley Radke: I'm sure. I'm sure. So what's your relationship with her like now?
Ellie: It's weird. I mean, really the only time I see her is at weddings or funerals. I'm in the process of planning my wedding, and so I'm a little wary of what her role is gonna be in that. I mean, we talk every now and then and we're friends on social media. I hide her from my feed, because I just don't need that reminder popping up all the time.
She's actually also getting married this summer, which is a really weird juxtaposition for me, to be planning a wedding at the same time as my birth mother. And he (the man she's marrying) has a family. And that's a little weird for me, too. Like logically, I'm happy for her.
I'm happy she finally found someone, because she never… She hasn't married since my birth father. But at the same time, it's hard for me to be like, “Oh, well look at—you're getting this whole new family. Great.”
Haley Radke: Has she— she didn't have any other children then?
Ellie: No. Which I've always said I was grateful for, because I don't know how I would handle that.
So I'm the youngest child. But biologically, I'm an only child, so I feel like I often display characteristics of both. I have always felt different from my sisters, because they're all the same, you know. They're all, you know, biologically sisters and I've always been the odd one out.
Haley Radke: And what's your age difference?
Ellie: The oldest and I are 12 years apart. The next one up for me is three years, then the next one up from that is nine years older than me, and then 12 years older. So there's a pretty significant gap. And obviously the oldest was very much old enough to know what was going on when I was adopted. So she probably has the best understanding of it, you know, how it was at that point.
Yeah, I think that's something that's probably been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with, is being okay to be myself. I always tried so hard to fit in with them and do the things that I knew they would approve of, you know. Eventually, sometime in college, I gave up and I was like, Nope, this is me. I'm different. That's fine.
And it still bothers me a little bit, but not as much as it used to.
Haley Radke: Your sisters, have they married or had children?
Ellie: Yep. All three are married. Two of them have kids. So, there's always that whole, at what point do they tell their kids, you know. And my birth mother has two brothers, and they have kids who are in their teens now. And it's well, Do they know who I am? You know?
And I always go into situations with family wondering if people know, you know, that I'm biologically her daughter. I did (I should add, I wrote about this in my blog, too)-- When I went to my grandfather's funeral, I had just found out who she was, my birth mother's mother tested me. She looked at some pictures of my birth mother's brothers and referred to them as my uncles (which they were biologically). But through adoption, which I'd only known them through up until now, they were my cousins. So she referred to them as that, to see if I would react, to see if I would be like, “Oh, they're not my uncles, they're my cousins.”
You know? And I didn't react, because I knew that's what she was doing. But to this day, it just bothers me so much that I was 11. I had just found out, she didn't know that I had found out, and she was testing me to see how much I knew about my own adoption.
Haley Radke: I don't even know what to say about that. Who does that? Who does that? That's bizarre.
Ellie: I don't know. I think it's a situation that no one really knew how to handle. I think it was handled poorly by some.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Well, it sounds like you all still don't really know. You still don't really know how to handle it.
Ellie: Not really. No, not really. I'm sure that's one of the questions that you'll get to later is, you know, “What would I say? What would I change about the situation?”
Haley Radke: Well, I'd love to hear that.
Ellie: I guess the hardest part for me has been the lack of open communication about it. It's always been this hush-hush topic. I mean, it's come up, my family and I talk about it. I wouldn't say a fair amount, but you know, sometimes, especially when family events come up that she's going to be at. I think they always ask how I'm doing, ask how I'm handling it.
And it seems well-meaning, and on some level I think it is. But on another level, I think they just want to hear that I'm fine and I don't care about her and, you know, and that I am part of their family and she doesn't matter to me.
And so it's always been the narrative that I've gotten, that I should stick to, is that I shouldn't get too close to her. I shouldn't talk with her that much. And so I've been in this limbo of, How close do I get to her?. And not only for my own sake, but for fear of hurting my family and for them thinking that I am replacing them with her, or something like that.
I think my mom told me that she was always afraid that when I turned 18 I was gonna run off and go be with her. That's not a lot of confidence in your parenting. And it bothered me. She wasn't a bad parent, you know? They raised me in a way that they tried to make it seem like I was exactly like their other three daughters.
And logically, again, I understand that. I wrote a whole blog about logic versus emotion, because I like to, you know, sort everything out. Logically, I completely understand why she tried to treat me exactly like my sisters. That's…it makes sense to me.
But at the same time… And again, that was 27 years ago. Adoption wasn't talked about that much; there wasn't a lot of literature on it. You just handled it how you thought was best. And I truly do think they thought that they were doing the best they could. But looking back, I think I needed to be treated a little bit differently. For them to at least acknowledge that I wasn't the same as my sisters. That, you know, I was–I don't even know what exactly…
I felt like it was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and I tried so hard for so long to get that to fit. And it never did, and it's never going to. And I think a lot of adoptees probably feel that way, you know, trying to fit in and knowing they can't, but not really why.
Haley Radke: It sounds like it's even more complex in your situation, because in a closed adoption, of course, you're obviously different. You're completely different genetically. And I'm assuming that there's some misconceptions about that. I really don't know that much about in-family adoption. What would you tell me about that? What are some misconceptions?
Ellie: I think adoptees who come from closed adoption think that it's the best way to have an adoption. And I'm not saying it's not, but I'm saying there's still things that add another layer of complexity to it. I have so much sympathy for people that are trying to find their parents and connect with them, and they have no idea where they come from.
I can't imagine that, because I do know where I come from. But at the same time, I've had to grow up knowing she's there, but just dangling. I know she's there, but I can't really have this relationship with her, because then I'd be betraying my family. So we all kind of tiptoe around this whole thing and it's just–it's really complicated.
I never know the right thing to say or do. I mean, she offered to pay for my wedding dress. That's what my mom does, you know? And I was so taken aback by that and I didn't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it when I have kids at some point. Is she gonna be around? Is that normal for a cousin/birth mother?
It's just, it’s confusing, I think is the main word I would use to describe it.
Haley Radke: It sounds very confusing. Yeah. I will admit that I have been one of those adoptees who's said, “This closed system is so ridiculous, you know? What about in-family?”
Ellie: I mean, it is, you can't–-I don't think you can argue only for one or only for the other. I think that's the way that adoption in general is trending, is to be more open. And in general, I think that's good. In general, I wish people never had to be given up for adoption, so…
Haley Radke: Yes. Family preservation, that's where it's at.
Ellie: Yes.
Haley Radke: Have you actually ever had a conversation with your birth mother just about, “What should our relationship be?” Or have you ever told her anything like that?
Ellie: Not really. She, from what I can grasp, she's very closed off about this. She dealt with it 27 years ago, and has spent a lot of time trying to compartmentalize it, trying to put it in this far corner and not deal with it, except when it's convenient for her.
So, at certain times she'll reach out. She tries to (for lack of better term), she tries to buy me. She'll send me presents, she'll send me gift cards. And I guess the hard part for me is that these just indicate that she doesn't really know who I am. We've never had a real conversation where she's really sat down and gotten to know me, beyond what I share on social media, beyond what my family could tell her.
I tried to have a conversation when I was about 22. I had all these questions ready, and it just, it… First off, she put it off for probably four or five months before it ever actually happened. And when it did happen, she just danced around the questions and just gave really vague answers, and it was really frustrating. And so I've never tried since then. It just didn't seem worth it.
Haley Radke: When I was first in reunion with my birth mom, I had asked her a couple of times, “Would you ever go to counseling with me?” And it was because I knew she had blocked out a lot of things and hadn't dealt with it, and was hoping that if she went, she could deal with some of her issues. But at the time, I really didn't realize how many issues I had stemming from it as well.
So I can hear that, that she's definitely not dealt with those things.
Ellie: Yeah, and I guess, to me, it is what it is at this point. I'm not gonna push it. I’m dealing, in my opinion at least, I'm dealing very well with my emotions.
You know, I go to therapy every couple of weeks and it's hard. It's really hard. You talk about some really intense feelings and it–you go to places that hurt and it's raw. But I think that I'm so much better for it, because I know exactly where I stand with myself, at least. And I know how to cope with emotions as they come up and deal with things. And I just–I like to be open and transparent, and that's just me.
Haley Radke: Was there a point when you realized that you were coming out of the fog, so to speak (the adoptee lingo)?
Ellie: Probably when I first came across #FlipTheScript. That would be…is that 2014? (I think it was 2014.) And I guess, sort of naively, I had always considered myself to be in this bubble. Adoption isn't something people talk about. It's just not. People knew, you know, people that are close to me. I'd mentioned it in passing, but in general, it's just not something society talks about. So then to come across this whole Twitter feed of all these people saying all of these things, I was just like, Oh my gosh. You're just like me, you feel the same things.
And I was like, This is… It just really justified it for me, like, What I'm feeling is real. Other people feel it. And it just made me feel so much better in a weird way. You know? The other people knew how I felt.
And especially when I connected with two other open adoption adoptees, I was even more–My eyes were even more opened at that point. And along with that, when I started reading The Primal Wound, I started reading some blogs, and really just diving in to just intake as much information as I could and see what was out there.
And that's when I decided to stop covering it up and stop masking my feelings and, you know, stop pretending that it didn't bother me. Because it did. It does, and it's always going to, and that's just how it is.
Haley Radke: How long have you been in therapy?
Ellie: Almost two years. So around the same time that I started getting into all of the adoption stuff was the same time that I moved across the country to start a new job, and to be closer to the man who's now my fiancé.
And so as I'm going through all of this, I am moving to a new city where I don't know a lot of people yet. He's my only support there. And I realized at that point that our relationship wouldn't survive if I didn't go see somebody. I couldn't put it all on him. I couldn't expect him to carry this burden and help me with it.
That's what really pushed me into it, and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made, I think.
Haley Radke: Does your therapist have experience with adoption and adoptee issues?
Ellie: Not really. She has experience with family, in general. She was the one–well, there was one in particular, that the place I was going to that did have adoption experience, but she didn't have any openings.
So I got recommended to this lady, and it was great. She just–I don't even, I don't really know how to explain it. We just talk a lot about accepting feelings, not judging myself for feeling certain ways. And trying to not, you know, write all these stories in my head about what other people are feeling, because it's probably not true. And I tend to catastrophize things, especially with family.
Haley Radke: Well, thanks for sharing that. I've been in counseling for quite a long time, so I've definitely had many benefits from dealing with that. My stuff.
Ellie: I definitely would recommend it for anybody, not even people going through adoption. Just in general, I think everybody could stand to talk to someone every now and then.
Haley Radke: Absolutely. Well, my BA was in Psychology.
Ellie: Oh, nice.
Haley Radke: So I've always been a very big believer in counseling, so that's why I'm always curious about that. Ellie, how has faith or spirituality hindered, or helped, impacted your adoptee journey?
Ellie: My biological mother is what she calls “Catholic-light,” meaning she doesn't really practice, but at some level, she considers herself Catholic. My adoptive parents are Southern Baptist. And that's how I was raised. I was raised in a pretty, pretty strict church. You know, there were strict rules about dating and sex before marriage and, you know, alcohol.
And it was a very closed minded way of thinking, looking back now. And when I got out of high school and into college, I stopped going to church. And I really haven't been back since. Through the years, I've come to be a little bit more spiritual. I still really don't like organized religion, mainly because of the experiences I had in the church growing up.
I wasn't treated the best when I started to question things. So I don't–honestly, it hasn't played a large role. I mean, growing up, I really do think that the morals I have were instilled in me because of that religious upbringing. And so I wouldn't ever change that. And I don't at all fault my parents, I just don't really believe in the same things anymore, or not– I guess it's not even the same things, it's just not to the same level that they do. I've always tried to make it on my own, and do everything on my own, and be this really strong person. And most of the time, I can do that. And there's sometimes every now and then that it's just like, I can't do it, you know?
So that's when I go to my happy place, which is nature. That's where I feel closest to God. That's where I can be spiritual. So it's….I don't really know how you'd describe it. It's there, but it's not a huge influencing factor, I guess.
Haley Radke: Do you think your adoptive parents' faith was a factor in them choosing to adopt you?
Ellie: Probably. Probably. I think it probably was, because I know for a fact (at the time) they couldn't afford to adopt me. They had three other kids, you know. My dad was working, but still wasn't making a lot to support a family. And I have heard stories from my older sisters that there was one year that they shouldn't have made it through.
They didn't have enough money to get through everything, and somehow, they just did. And so I think that's, you know, them believing in some kind of divine intervention. I don't know. But I do think that it played some role. I know they prayed about it a lot. I know they talked with people at church about it.
Haley Radke: You had mentioned earlier that you blocked your birth father as soon as you saw his name come up on Facebook.
Ellie: Yeah.
Haley Radke: Why do you think you have such–I mean, I feel like there's… He's the inciting factor as to why you were relinquished, and so that can't feel very good.
Ellie: Yeah, that's definitely a part of it. And the fact and I– Until I found him (or he found me and I blocked him), up until that point, I had so much anger. I was like, Why did you never try to find me? Why did you never try to contact me? I'm here. I'm out here. You could easily find me, through my birth mother. That wouldn't be hard. And so I had so much anger. And I still do, to an extent.
It bothers me that he's never even tried, you know? And I don't know for sure if he ever saw my Facebook, if he ever saw at least what I look like now. But I, at that point, decided to block him (given what I saw). There was a lot of really interesting political stuff that I did not agree with whatsoever, and I really just didn't want to be associated with someone like that at that point.
And I don't know that I ever will be. I don't know that I'll ever get past that lingering little bit of anger, and the fact that he’s still, 27 years later: not once. And yeah, to an extent part of it's on me, but part of it's on him, too.
Haley Radke: Does he have other children that you know of?
Ellie: Not that I'm aware of. But again, all I've seen is his Facebook page, so I really don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know.
Haley Radke: Birth moms have a lot of shame, and that's often why they aren't good in relationship. There's a lot of secondary rejection, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think the fathers do, too. And so maybe that's one of the reasons. Now, I'm not telling you all this, so I think you should reach out. I'm just saying: I hear you.
Ellie: I don't know. Maybe at some point I will, but for right now, I don't… I don't have any desire.
Haley Radke: Also, how much capacity do we have to work on all these different relationships at once? You've got this wedding coming up, so you're gonna have a new look to your relationship with your fiancé, being married. And because your relationship with your birth mom doesn't sound settled or like you might like it to look like. There's only so many things someone can handle at once.
Ellie: Yeah, I totally agree.
Haley Radke: I understand that.
Ellie: Yeah. I really just don't want another thing on my plate at the moment.
Haley Radke: Sorry for bringing it up.
Ellie: No, that's fine. It's not–I really don't. I'm very apathetic about it. I really just don't have a lot of emotions about him at this moment and I'm okay with that. I'm great not feeling a lot about him.
Haley Radke: Yeah. I have to–With my mom, I have to think about that that way sometimes. Like, she still doesn't want to contact me. I'm not thinking about that. Yeah.
Ellie: That'd be so hard. I can't imagine meeting her, and having conversations, and suddenly having it just completely cut off.
Haley Radke: Yeah, she– It was right before Christmas and we were gonna meet up before Christmas and I had to cancel. I was still in university at the time and I had a bunch of exams and stuff. It just was bad timing.
And so we were gonna reschedule for after Christmas, and she emailed me and said something like, “The way that you've described some of my family and you've interpreted things….” you know. And just she's, “Let's put it off for a while,” or something. Or, “Let's give it a while.”
Ellie: So she tried to put it on you. Oof.
Haley Radke: Yeah. And then that was it. I haven't heard back from her since. And I've reached out multiple times, but… And she lives in my city, so….
Ellie: Really? Oh gosh.
Haley Radke: Yeah. So sometimes I wonder, Am I gonna bump into her sometime?
Ellie: Whether intentionally or not, I've put a great deal of distance between myself and my family. We're on opposite coasts now. My biological family (in particular), my birth mother, my family… The rest of my family's all spread out, but I like it that way. I feel like I'm just removed from all of it, and I have my life here.
Haley Radke: And you're building a new life.
Ellie: Yeah. I'm building (at some point) my own family, if I ever decide that I can handle that.
Haley Radke: Yeah. That's a whole other layer of feelings to work through.
Ellie: So I've heard.
Haley Radke: Yeah, yeah. So is there anything that we didn't touch on that you wanna share with our listeners?
Ellie: I think what makes my situation fairly unique is that I am the only adopted child. I feel like in a lot of situations, they'll adopt multiple kids, or just one. And I don't know how common it is to have, you know, three siblings and then one that's adopted.
And that has always been a little hard for me to always feel like the odd one out. But then to feel like, Well, they are family, so shouldn't I still feel a little bit like them? You know? And I'm not. I am not at all like any of my sisters.
I think one of your questions that you had was, “What's the dream?” You know, “What would be the ideal adoption situation?” And I think, like you, I'm very much in favor of family preservation. I think she could have kept me; her mom was very supportive. She would've been a single mom. Yeah.
But you know, you wouldn't have broken that connection. You wouldn't have caused that trauma for both people. I think if I were to have a completely magic wand, I would just be the biological daughter of my family. Because they are good people, for as much as they maybe just were a bit ignorant about how to handle it.
They're good people, and they meant well, and they are my family at the end of the day. And I know that they have my back and they care. I guess that would be the ideal situation. One of the two. Either she kept me, or I was biologically already their daughter.
Haley Radke: And what about your relationship with her right now? What would you like it to look like?
Ellie: I've (and this is something I've talked with my therapist a lot about), like I have this deeply rooted need to understand things. And it probably stems from being adopted and not having an understanding of that situation. I would–I really just want to understand what happened 27 years ago. How she got to that point? How she could hold me and look at me and keep me for a month, and then give me away? Why she can't have an in-depth and meaningful relationship with me now? Why she is so satisfied to keep it shallow and on the surface? Because that's not me.
And it's really hard for me to just pretend like, La-dee-dah, everything's fine. You know, it's hard. So that, I guess I just–I wish that we'd have a really real conversation where we actually share our true emotions about things. But I know, on some level, it's never going to happen.
Haley Radke: Well, thank you so much for sharing that. You're really sharing your heart, and I appreciate that. It's not easy.
Ellie: No. But it feels good.
Haley Radke: I'm glad I asked you to bring some recommended resources for our listeners and I have two to share, if that's okay. I'll go first.
When you were talking, you mentioned the #FlipTheScript hashtag, and so I think it would be awesome for our listeners to go back on Twitter and read through some of those tweets. They’re usually in November, because it's National Adoption month. And so adult adoptees have been asked to share their feelings about adoption using that hashtag #FlipTheScript.
So I think you said it was started in 2014, so you can look back through 2014 tweets, 2015 tweets. And this year, I'm sure they're gonna have it again in November. It really does share the “adoptee out of the fog” picture of adoption.
Ellie: Yes, absolutely.
Haley Radke: I had fun tweeting through that, too, in November.
Ellie: Yeah. It was great to connect with so many people.
Haley Radke: So the real resource I really want to recommend that I prepared before was The Sister Wish blog, and it's written by Kat Stanley (and Kat with a K). And her Twitter handle is @KatSwrites. And she is an open adoption adoptee, and she's got links on her blog to other adoptee blogs, other open adoption blogs, and she's very vulnerable with her feelings in her blog as well as on Twitter. She's got this really amazing word cloud on the top of her blog.
And I just want to read one phrase from it that really hit me hard when I read it, because it just reminded me how much I don't know about open adoption.
“I dealt with every single reunion issue adult adoptees have, except I was six.”
Pretty powerful.
Ellie: Yeah. To add to that, Kat found me and one other open adoptee in 2014, and we were the first open adoption adoptee she'd ever come across.
So the three of us have a (I don’t know if clique's the right word), but we have a support system in each other, that we all have this situation in common. So I've video chatted with Kat and this lady, oh, a handful of times, and she's great. She really has a way with words and is very mature and thoughtful about things.
I feel like that's what happens when you find out something like this at such a young age. I feel like you're forced to grow up and deal with this really, really heavy thing. And so you just become a really strong person, I think.
Haley Radke: Yes, I can definitely see a lot of strength in you. Being in my thirties, and seeing that you're 27, you have a lot of wisdom for your age.
Ellie: Thank you.
Haley Radke: Just even having the knowledge that, you know, “I think I need to go in and talk to someone.” There's a lot of people that wouldn't even have the strength to do that.
Ellie: Well, thank you.
Haley Radke: So you have a book to share with us.
Ellie: I do. This was a book that, at some point when I was delving into adoption stuff, I came across. And it's called The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier.
And it was, I think, the first thing I read that really hit home. I would just be reading, and I was going through and highlighting things that stood out to me. And whole pages were highlighted. So all these sections… There was one, I'll share this, because it just popped into my head. There was one passage in particular, about how she compared adoption to plates being broken. And how this plate breaks, and you try and put all these pieces back together and fit them just right. They never quite do, you know, there's glue and it works, but it's not the same. And it's never going to be the same. And that really stuck with me, for whatever reason.
But she is just so insightful and she's interviewed, you know, numerous adoptees and has their stories and their thoughts. And I just connected with so much in that book. Especially if you're just starting out, you know, learning about your adoption experience and getting involved. I would recommend it.
Haley Radke: I've also read her second book. Have you seen that? Coming Home to Self?
Ellie: Oh boy. No, I haven't.
Haley Radke: When you're ready for the next level, it's just one more added layer on top.
Ellie: Oh boy.
Haley Radke: There's a chapter in there strictly on reunion, and when I was into the reunion rollercoaster (let's say)... When I reunited with my biological father and his family, I photocopied that chapter and I emailed it to my adoptive parents, to him and his wife, I brought it to my counselor. And I said, “Read this, so you know what's going on here.” Yeah. I recommend that too, if you're listening and you're in reunion or, yeah, just trying to figure out those puzzle pieces. Yeah. What a sorrowful picture, a plate getting glued back together.
Well, Ellie, thank you so much for going in depth into your story. I really appreciate it, and I know that our listeners will have great value from hearing your story.
Ellie: I hope so. I don't know. I feel like it should be shared if anybody can benefit or learn from it. I benefited and learned from everyone else's story during #FlipTheScript. So, you know, just trying to pay it forward a little bit. Thanks for having me.
Haley Radke: If you'd like to connect with Ellie, her Twitter handle is @Ellie11122013, and we'll have a link to her blog on our show notes. You can find those on our website, adopteeson.com, where you can send us an email or a voicemail to share your story. You can also find us on Twitter or Instagram @adopteeson.
If you are enjoying the podcast, we would love it if you would share the show with your family. Maybe they would be able to understand you a little better if they heard some of these adoptee stories.
Adoptees On would like to pass on our heartfelt condolences to Becky Drinnen, who shared her story with us in episode four. Becky's biological father recently passed away. We're sorry for your loss, Becky, and are grateful you had the chance to reunite with him. Thanks for listening. Let's talk again soon.
Hey, you made it to the very end. I'd love to read you one of our latest reviews from iTunes. And this one is from the U.S. store, from Lily C.:
“Thank you so much for this wonderful podcast. I've enjoyed so much of the written work of so many people I'm hearing mentioned here, but now I can listen while I drive or do chores and keep learning more about how to empathize with my children as an adoptive parent.
Hearing from grown, adopted people reflecting on their past and present experience of being adopted has been the most valuable resource I've found. Cannot recommend enough. Listen, listen, listen. Put your defensiveness aside. Be quiet and really process what you hear. If your child isn't speaking aloud about being adopted, you may hear something about what they might be feeling from others.”
Thank you, Lily C., for your kind review. You can leave us a review on iTunes and you may get to hear it on an upcoming show.
