11 Pamela
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/11
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season One, episode 11: Pamela.
I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today we'll be talking to Pamela Karanova, a fellow adoptee, who will be sharing her story with us. We talk about her search, a brief reunion, her struggle with alcohol addiction and recovery, and some surprising connections she's made with extended bio family members (through DNA testing). We also discuss some issues about Christianity and adoption. As always, we'll wrap up with some recommended resources for you.
Just an aside, I offer you a sincere Canadian apology for my scratchy voice today. I'm battling a nasty cold. And there are a few sections in this recording that cut in and out, but they're in key parts of Pamela's story, so I wanted to leave them in for you. I'm sure you'll get the gist of it. Without further ado, let's listen in.
I'm so pleased to welcome to the show today. Pamela Karanova. Welcome.
Pamela Karanova: Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here.
Haley Radke: Oh, I'm so looking forward to hearing your story. Why don't you just start out with that?
Pamela Karanova: I found out I was adopted when I was about five years old. I remember seeing a baby being born on the television, and I went to my adopted mom and I said, “Is that how I came out of your tummy?” And this is what sparked the conversation of how I came into the world. And she said, “Actually, no, you came out of another woman's tummy.”
And of course, at five years old, I was just kind of blown away. I didn't really understand all of that. When she said that, she started to explain things in a little bit more detail. And she said, “You know, your mommy…” (your birth mommy is what she described her as), “She loved you so much that she gave you to me to raise.” She said that “made her dreams come true to be a parent.”
And I remember asking who she was, and she said she didn't know her name, but she told me through my whole childhood that when we had enough money for an attorney, we would get the sealed records opened. But we never had enough money, it seemed. But that's how I found out I was adopted. I was really young, and from that moment forward, it was a lot of questions, a lot of confusion.
Every time I would bring up my birth mother, I would get the same response about getting enough money for an attorney. And I just was really confused with everything. And as I got older into my teenage years, I formed this fantasy (which a lot of adoptees do). I just fantasized about her. I wanted to know who she was and where she was.
And for some reason I had more of an obsession with her than my birth father, or siblings, or anything. I was just really obsessed with this woman and what she looked like and where she was, and it haunted me growing up. I try to kind of describe to people: there are some adoptees that don't really care, and then there are some adoptees that do.
And on a scale of one to 10 (with 10 being, you know, it bothers them), I was at like a 15 million. It bothered me every day to not know who this woman was. I formed this fantasy, that's what I was saying, that she was gonna come and get me. And I thought in my head, Who's gonna give their baby away and really mean it?
And I would go outside, specifically dreaming that she was going to pull up in a car and come and just rescue me. And this was a reoccurring fantasy. I mean, over and over. Like many adoptees, I looked for her everywhere I went. I never, never gave up hope of finding her one day. When I turned into my teen years, that's when the false reality hit that she was never coming to get me.
And it kind of was something that I suffered in silence with through my whole childhood, because the topic of conversation was never brought up. I think that in the seventies (I was born in 1974), they were told (the adoptive parents were told), “Don't talk about it. The less you talk about it, the better.”
And so I'm not mad at my adoptive parents for not talking about it, but it left me very isolated and alone feeling. I became really angry as a teenager, because my pain was, and my hurt was not being processed in any way. I went through a lot of crazy things as a teenager, just acted out and stuff.
That's kind of the beginning of my adoptee journey.
Haley Radke: And were you an only child?
Pamela Karanova: I was adopted in a home with another girl that was adopted. She was from a different family. My adoptive parents, they were married and adopted two daughters (we were 11 months apart). And then they divorced a year later.
And so he remarried and moved about an hour away with his wife, his new wife and her children. And me and my adoptive sister were left with my adoptive mother. So we were raised in her house. We would see him every other weekend and on holidays and stuff.
And he did everything he was supposed to do as a dad, he was just always far away. So I was raised with an adoptive sister in the house. Yeah.
Haley Radke: And did she have some of the same feelings that you did about adoption?
Pamela Karanova: It's really hard to tell. I really, we never really had many conversations about it. There was a lot of chaos in that house. My adoptive mom was really mentally ill and there was a lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse that went on in that house.
And it was just always a lot of chaos. So we didn't—We weren't really close because of the situation that we were basically forced to be in. Sadly. I think that if we weren't in that situation, we would've maybe been close. But we weren't close, so we didn't really talk about it.
Haley Radke: And so going forward, were you able to search for your biological parents?
Pamela Karanova: Yeah. When I turned 21, I had just had my first daughter. And for a lot of adoptees, that triggers a lot of feelings and emotions (when we have our children), wanting to make the connections. And so I remember asking my adoptive mom, another time, if she would help me find my birth mother (if she knew anything).
And this one particular time, I was 21 years old, and she basically decided to come clean and tell me that she knew the information that I had been wanting my whole life (but she hadn't ever told me). She basically made up the story and everything about getting an attorney. And at that moment I got such mixed emotions, because I was so angry and hurt that she lied to me my whole life.
And at the same time, I was so happy that I actually was gonna finally find my birth mother. She basically told me that when they went to sign the adoption paperwork, the doctor gave them the wrong paperwork and they saw my birth mother's name and her address. And so I was able to track my birth mother down within, probably, 48 hours.
And this was in, let's see…1994 when there was no Internet. There were no cell phones or anything (or I didn't have one anyway). I had to go the old school route. And I called the library where my birth mother lived and they searched in the ‘74 directory. And I basically got confirmation of her number. And that's when I made the call.
I wasn't someone that was prepared at all. I don't think there's really—People say prepare, prepare, but I really don't think there's really any way to truly prepare for what's going to happen. I just don't think that you can prepare, but I basically kind of got up enough nerve to call her. And I just said, you know, “My name is Pam.” And she answered and I just was blown away just to hear her voice. It was just like such a surreal experience that this woman that I dreamed of my whole life was on the other line. And I told her my name and I said, you know, “I was born in Waterloo, Iowa. And my birthday's August 13th, 1974. Does that mean anything to you?”
And I just heard a pause and then I heard a click. And she hung up on me. Yeah, I was just like, What? I mean, I just didn't, I didn't get it. I was like, First of all, I'm not a quitter. I'm not taking no for an answer. And I'm like, I don't know what she hung up on me for, but I'm calling her back.
So I called her back and I said, “I don't want anything from you, I just want to know you.” And I said, “I just have some questions for you.” And at that time she said, “Well, I am the woman you're looking for.” And I just got, you know, like—I can't even describe the excitement that I felt at that moment, because it's just a surreal feeling.
All the adoptees that would be listening understand it. But I was so excited and I had the highest hopes ever. Because I mean, when I was told my whole life that “She loved you so much,” the only vision I have is that she loves me so much. And so when I find her, of course she's gonna still love me so much.
You know, I was sticking to that. We had a brief conversation. She basically said that nobody knew about me. She had a shot every year on my birthday. And I had just assumed that we would have a relationship. I didn't think anything of it. We hung up and I ended up printing some pictures off, and I sent her a letter (basically just telling her a little about my life), sent her some pictures of me as a child, and sent it off.
And she said we would be in touch and I would get her letters. And I waited and waited and waited for the mail. I never got any letters from her. And, you know, weeks and weeks passed. I was running out to the mailman. I mean literally, basically meeting him at the mailbox. And I never got a letter from her.
And so I called her back, and she would not answer my phone calls. At that moment, I still was not ready to accept the fact of what was happening. I just was not—I wasn't there yet, where I could believe that. I knew that in the phone conversation we had, she told me that I had a sister and she was a half-sister.
So when I let about two or three months pass, and she just didn't contact me back, I decided I had nothing to lose. And I found my sister. Within a week of me finding my sister, she flew to Kentucky where I live and we got to meet for the first time. It was an amazing experience. She basically ended up setting it up to where I got to meet my birth mother.
I think she talked my birth mother into meeting me. I don't think my birth mother really ever wanted to meet me, but my birth sister insisted that she meet me. And so within a few months, I flew to Iowa to meet my birth mother. That was another surreal experience. I mean, I… Still, again, I had no idea what to expect.
I didn't think anything bad was gonna happen at that time. I was just going into it with high hopes that this was the beginning of a relationship. And for me, it was a dream come true, because, you know, I mean, I wanted-– I was literally dying inside, not knowing who she was (growing up). And to be able to see her face, and to hug her, and spend a little time with her—it ended up being the best day of my life, besides giving birth to my children.
It was amazing. And so we sat around her dining room table, and she asked me about my life and, you know, I told her some details. And she asked me about my adoptive parents, and I told her the truth about things. I told her that they divorced when I was a year old and I lived with my adoptive mom.
And I asked her who my birth father was, and her exact words were, “He didn't know anything about you and he wouldn't wanna know anything about you.” And that was it. I mean, she shut me down and there was no more talk about who my birth father was. I was, like, so giddy during that meeting. I have a few pictures of it, and I look at my face in those pictures… And I mean, I had tears in my eyes when we were taking a picture together, and it was just an amazing experience.
And I left there just with the door open thinking that we'd be in contact again. And that was, honestly, the first, and only, and last time I ever saw her face. She shut the door immediately after I left, and she never opened it back up again. And I was literally– Whew, talk about heartbroken. I mean, there's not enough words in the vocabulary of the English language to describe how that felt.
I want to say that I had hope that she would always turn around and change her mind, but it was there, but it was just so vague as the years passed. And I would send her cards every now and then, just telling her I was thinking about her. And she just would have no part of it. Years passed, and I got a Facebook message that she had passed away.
My birth sister sent me a message and said, you know, “Mom died and I really want you to come back to the funeral. And I really need you to be there.” And I didn't think a Facebook message was appropriate at all, but I, you know, was appreciative that they even contacted me at all. I went back to Iowa for her funeral. And it was probably the hardest thing I had ever been through in my whole life, is sitting there at her funeral. And I wasn't even acknowledged as her daughter.
And it really–whew. There's not enough words to go through the pain that's caused with that happening, but I know that this whole experience has made me an extremely strong person. That's one thing I say about adoptees: it's not for sissies, and we are some tough cookies to experience everything that we do. And it has to be kept silent or kept inside because, you know, our pain doesn't line up with the world's expectations of adoption.
So being able to go back to her funeral– One of the reasons I went was just to get some more answers, because I knew that everybody there would be people that she was related to, and best friends, and family that I had never got to meet. I also went to try to find out more information about my birth father. And driving back there, making that trip is, you know, exactly what I ended up doing. That was a whole other avenue of adventure.
I started asking questions to different people. I ended up finding out that my birth mother was an alcoholic. They said she never didn't have a drink in her hand. She drank every day of her life. They told me she drank through the entire pregnancy. She was a very bitter woman. I found out that I was a product of an affair with a married man.
These were her sisters and her best friends that told me the details, and these are all details that she wouldn't tell me. All of the information that I found out there that day is information that I needed so that I could move forward with healing. I needed to know the truth. I needed to know the answers: how I came into the world? And what were the reasons that she chose adoption? Why did she not choose abortion? Why did she not choose to parent me?
And all of the answers that I got, they were very disturbing. But at the same time, they helped me with being able to accept the truth. I started asking questions if anybody knew who my birth father was, and her sister basically gave me his name and told me exactly where he lived. And so I did a lot of praying about going to his house. And I didn't have my children with me on this trip. And there was no telling the next time I would be in Iowa would be.
And so, I decided to set off three hours out of the way from where I live and drive to his doorstep, and introduce myself. And I knew that if I didn't do this, I might never see his face. I might never have this chance again in my life. I was told by some of the friends of the family that he was a gamer and he was a hunter.
He lived off the land. He had slaughter sheds, gun sheds. He was– I don't even know what to call that type of a person (but it was a little different than a country person, but it was just like extreme country folks). But I didn't, everyone was, like— Everyone said, “If you went into the wilderness to show up at his door and you had no idea what you were expecting…” Like I said, I really wanted to see his face that bad.
I got there and wild dogs were chasing me up his gravel driveway. And he lived in the middle of the country and I still didn't think twice about it. I'm like, I am gonna see his face at least one time in my lifetime. And that's how bad I wanted to see his face. And so I ended up calling into his house, because I was scared of getting out of my car because of the wild dogs.
And he basically told me I could come on in, and he came to the door and helped me into his house. And I told him who I was. He acknowledged me and he acknowledged my birth mother. And he said, “Oh, I know who she is. She's the only woman I ever danced with that I didn't have to bend over and dance with her. She was tall like I am.”
But he acknowledged her, and we talked for about 45 minutes. I am his only daughter, but he made a comment saying, “You know, what are we gonna do? Get a blood test 40 years later?” And this was in 2011. And so I got his picture. He said I could take his picture. And I really thought, deep inside, I would be content with just seeing his face. Like I really just wanted to see his face.
But I left there, and I drove back to Kentucky from there (and it was like a 12 hour drive). And I was like, It was just a surreal experience that I can't believe I actually finally saw his face and I look so much like him. I was crying, and I was praying, and I was praising. And I was calling people, and telling people what it was like…
And I thought it would be enough, but as I got home and kind of got settled, I was like, No, it's really not enough. Like, I really wanna know him. I wanna have a relationship with him. Ever since 2011, I've reached out to him many times. A couple of times, he has mentioned getting a DNA test, “What are we gonna do? Get a DNA test 20 years later?” You know, blah, blah, blah.
And I wouldn't have any problem with the DNA test, but he never initiated it through this time. I had spoken to his wife at one point, and she also told me he was an alcoholic. So 2011, things really hit home for me, because I knew my birth mother was an alcoholic and I found out my birth father was an alcoholic.
And I had not been raised with them, but I started drinking at a very early age. I started drinking at 12 years old. And when I started drinking, it was an escape for me. I did not have to feel the pain of abandonment. I was in drug and alcohol treatment at 15. I was in and out of group homes, because I ran away all the time.
But alcohol was a major factor in my life. I ended up drinking for 26 years to numb the pain of abandonment and rejection. And when I found out that both my birth parents were alcoholics, it just literally rocked my world, because I'm like, Oh my God, I don't wanna be like them. Like I don't wanna die like them. I don't wanna be like them.
I had to make a change. Kind of pulling away from his house and trying to wait a while to see if he's gonna acknowledge me or want a relationship with me. He had my contact information and I waited and waited and, you know, years passed. This is 2016, now.
I just, last year, was able to do DNA testing (and I did it through 23Andme). I was able to confirm—I didn't even need his DNA to do it. I show up in the family trees of my biological grandmother (his mother). Yeah. So I was able to make the needed DNA connections into his family tree without his DNA, which is really fascinating.
A lot of adoptees think that, you know, you need somebody else's DNA to connect, and you really don't. If you have a name or surnames, you can make matches in family trees just by, you know, getting the DNA in the system. So I ended up printing all that off and mailing it to him about two months ago.
I just sent him a letter that said, “Hey, you know, it's been quite a few years. And I really don't want anything from you, just a relationship. I wanna know about you and your life, to hear stories, and to just get to know you.” And he has totally ignored all of that and not contacted me at all.
You know, I can kind of go back to 2011. I started kind of on a re-healing journey. I decided that I wanted to try to work through some of these things. I had a pretty big amount of anger built up from my childhood and from the abandonment experience. And I was really angry at my birth mother. I was angry at everybody. I was just filled with anger.
I didn't wanna live like that. I mean, I have three amazing children. I have an amazing career I've had for a long time. And I have a lot of great things going on in life. But then there's just this deep rooted pain associated with this adoption experience. I started doing some research on recovery because, you know, I drank my whole life and it did numb the pain, temporarily.
But I knew that in order for me to get sober and live in recovery, I needed to start a recovery program. And I ended up finding out that my church here in Lexington (Bethel Harvest Church), they hosted a Celebrate Recovery ministry there. And I showed up and it was a pretty big deal, because there were times in my life I didn't think I could live without alcohol.
I really did not want to process the pain of my birth mother rejecting me, and my birth father rejecting me, and just all of that stuff. And so for me to get sober, and all the feelings I had ran from my whole entire life just came flooding in. I really, I mean–-I had to get involved. I am a Christian and I believe in God, and it was really important to me to have resources that had God involved in them.
And Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered recovery program. So, showing up there, I was able to get the tools that I needed to go through the healing process. By working the 12 Steps, I got a lot of accountability partners and people that I was close to to listen to me and help me through the process.
You know, adoptees can attest that the journey is just such a lonely journey. I mean, it is extremely lonely. And so when I got into this, what I thought was a safe place and a safe setting (and it was), I was finally able to start sharing some of my feelings associated with my adoption experience.
And I'll never forget the first time that I spoke about them in a public setting to someone (or to the group), and I couldn't say the word “birth mother" without literally bawling hysterically. I could not even say the word “birth mother.” I mean, I'm talking about bawling, like snot slinging bawling.
Like I was sobbing, just speaking of her the first time. And as soon as I started sharing, it was healing. Every time I shared a little more and a little more, and people just listened to me in that small group setting, it was a healing experience for me. They say, “In order to heal it, you have to feel it.”
And I think, growing up adopted, we're not able to even tap into that growing up, because it's not supposed to be talked about. And if our feelings don't lie with the world scenario of adoption is, they're just not welcome. I came to a safe place and being able to start my recovery journey, I decided I was going to stop drinking.
And that was August 13th, 2012. And so I recently just celebrated four years of sobriety, and it was an amazing milestone to reach. But I'm telling you, the last four years of recovery has not been a joke. It has been a lot, a lot, a lot of work. I like to extend a message of hope to people, because it's a grueling journey to go through all those emotions, and that pain, and stuff.
But there is hope in healing, and there is hope in being able to get to the other side of healing, you know, from all the trauma that adoption brings. So I had a great experience at Celebrate Recovery. I did quite a few years of leadership, and I recommend that ministry to anyone and everyone. It's not just for drugs and alcohol, it's for anyone with a “hurt, habit, or hangup.”
It is something that has really brought me to the other side, where I can look at things a lot differently now. I was able to identify that abandonment, rejection, and abuse of any kind are the leading root issues of people's dysfunctional lifestyle habits or behaviors. Being able to identify with abandonment and rejection from my adoption experience, I was able to take all those little issues that I had out (actually big issues), kind of put 'em on the table, and really work on them. And that brought me a lot of healing.
I mean, my goal was to be, you know, a happy, healthy mother for my kids and a grandmother for my kids one day. And growing up, never having the tools to work through any of these issues, finally finding the tools to be able to do it was an amazing outlet for me.
I also got some great words from my pastor at my church. I really have heard so many of his sermons talk about God being our Heavenly Father. A lot of people have situations with their parents (whether it be their mother or their father), where things just don't go as planned. I mean, a lot of people don't get the mother or father they deserve. And I have really worked a lot at building my relationship with God in order to really put my trust in Him and faith in Him.
It's helped me a lot with my healing journey. That's kind of where I'm at with my healing. I still have painful parts, but I am getting better every single day. My mother wound that I had from this mother thing was just enormous. I mean, it was like a dark cloud hanging over my head everywhere I went.
I couldn't figure out if I was depressed, or if I was going through the grief and loss process. And so I had to start researching every little thing that has to do with adoption, and abandonment, and grief, and loss and applying it to being an adoptee. And in the research, I mean, I was just able to really, really start understanding much better why I am the way I am.
And being able to share it. And finding other adoptees that have similar experiences was another major healing tool for me, because they understand, they get it, and it's a foreign language to anybody else that's not adopted.
I had to come to an acceptance place of forgiving them in advance for not understanding, because I used to get so upset that people didn't understand. And I finally came to a place where I had a lot of people pouring into me saying, you know, “They're not gonna understand it, because they're not in your shoes.”
Just like I don't understand divorce, or I don't understand cancer, because I've never been through it. I started forgiving people in advance. And I did a lot of praying for grace, because I was still so full of anger (like in 2011/2012). And I just said, you know, God, I don't know what you're doing with me in this journey, but I know I have a voice. And I just really want Your grace to be able to share the different aspects of being an adoptee that I've never been able to share before.
But I know that there is a God, because if you knew me before, and you know me now, I'm definitely a totally different person than what I was when I was growing up. And, you know, my anger (like I said) has turned into a lot of grace. And it's a lot of growth. It's a growth process.
Haley Radke: How did you connect with other adoptees? Were there any in your Celebrate Recovery group or online?
Pamela Karanova: You know what, there were no adoptees in Celebrate Recovery. And the crazy thing is that one of the groups that I was in one night, I had an— I was sharing about my birth mother and I was sobbing tears, and she interrupted me and said, “You don't know adoption like I know adoption.”
And I immediately just… At that time I did not know how to handle things. And I got offended and I got so upset and I ended up leaving that group and I was never going back. Two weeks later, I ended up having—they talked me back into going back. And I knew that the spirit of offense had set up, and I had somebody say, “Well, she's actually right. She should have never said that, but she's actually right because she's an adoptive mom. She doesn't have any idea what your journey’s like.” And I'm like, “You're right.” So I took note of that and I'm like, You know what, God? I think you're really gonna use me in this ministry to be able to share.
During that time that I was away, I got this spark of an idea to start a Facebook Like page, which I actually started in October of 2012. And that is the “How Does it Feel to be Adopted" page. And I'm like, We adoptees are going to have a safe place. And I'm like, There is no reason that we don't have a safe place. I went home and I created that page. And I had no idea what was gonna happen with that page, but I started to learn that in order for it to be a safe place for adoptees to share, it had to be an only commenting zone for adoptees only.
The world can see the page, but adoptees are the only ones that can comment. And the reason I kept it public and just a public Like page, is because I feel like there's so much secrecy in adoption, that the world should see our pain and they should see our glory. They should see how we feel, and how we manage to get through these difficult times.
And that's the one thing that's different about that page than a lot of the other pages, is that it is a public page, but it is a safe place for adoptee commenting only. And so that's when that page was birthed, and it's got almost 4,000 people that are active on it now (which is pretty huge). And so I connect with a lot of adoptees that way.
Twitter was a major outlet for me using hashtags: #adopt, #adoptee, #adoption. And I started creating a list four years ago on Twitter, and I have a list of almost 500 adoptees (or more now). And I decided that one of my main passions that God has given me is to just connect with other adoptees and just to really, really, really encourage them.
And to let them know they're not crazy for feeling the way they feel. And to just give them a message of hope that, you know, they deserve to know their truth and they deserve to be heard. Their story deserves to be shared. Just really being a lifeline of (hopefully) a positive person in their life that can say, “You know what? I understand and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Just blow my inbox up if you need to. It doesn't matter what time, just reach out to me.”
And so the more adoptees I started connecting with the more it just— Everything just started falling into place, where it was like all these “aha” moments. Because I started realizing like all the feelings that I was having are really normal for the situations that we've been put into.
It's just over the years, I mean, I've connected with adoptees all over the world. And I have made some of the most amazing friendships with adoptees. And I hate to say it, but I favor them. I favor my fellow adoptees over everybody. I love them. And I mean, I just have a heart for them and I can understand, totally, where they're coming from.
And so that's kind of how that transpired, is I just started. And then the other thing is I started sharing my journey at adopteeinrecovery.com. And that's been a major healing tool for me. I kind of find that a lot of places that I go to talk about it, I get shut down. And a lot of adoptees get the same, you know, “You should be thankful. Aren't you glad you weren't aborted?,” and all these different comments that people say,
And I really think that they don't necessarily mean harm, but they don't really know what else to say. I think that they just are saying what society has painted a picture for them to say. But I started sharing my journey on my blog, and it's been a huge healing tool for me to have a place where people can't interrupt me and tell me how to feel.
Haley Radke: So you were in Celebrate Recovery, you did a lot of writing. Are there any other specific healing tools that you've used in the past few years to come to this place of more hopefulness?
Pamela Karanova: Starting therapy. I started therapy. It was really hard to find a therapist that understood adoptee grief, loss, trauma, abandonment, and all of that. But I ended up finding a therapist and that's working out well. She seems to understand me.
My relationship with God has been like the foundation for me of my healing. I stand on the Word and the Word has much evidence in there about God's healing and hope. And I stand on, you know, John 8:32: “Then you'll know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
And I really remind all the adoptees that I come in contact with, that God is a God of truth and He wants us to have our truth. He is not a God of secrecy and lies. Because there's a lot of adoptees out there that have a picture painted that, you know, Why would God do this to me? type thing.
And I totally understand, because that was me at one point. But I also know that the word “truth” is in the Bible 264 times. And it is in there for a reason. And I know that the secrecy and lies are not from God. They are, you know, from people of the world and the adoption industry. And I stand on those Scriptures.
Celebrate Recovery was a major healing thing. And then acceptance for me was huge, because I spent so many years not being able to accept being adopted and the journey for so long. I mean, it was such a painful journey for me, that I couldn't accept it. I just couldn't.
And then the alcohol, of course, you know, made things totally out of whack. When I became sober and started healing, I had to come to a place of acceptance. And, you know, this is what it is. But I also know that it doesn't define who I am. it's just kind of a piece of my story, a piece of the pie, a piece of the puzzle. I feel like I'm not like my birth family and I'm not like my adopted family. But I really, truly believe that we all have to see it for ourselves to be able to make the determination ourselves.
And searching all those years and having such high expectations and spending most of my life with a broken heart… That's one thing that I have lived with almost my entire life, is a broken heart from this thing I know today that (and I can tell all the adoptees out there listening), that my heart, my broken heart has been restored. I don't walk around with a broken heart anymore. I don't walk around with a cloud over my head.
But I had to put my faith in God, and hope in Him, and believe that I could receive healing from Him. And believe that He had a better future for me than what I've ever experienced. And so, you know, that is the biggest healing tool that I can share with anybody, is putting your hope and faith and trust in God.
He can do anything. And there was even a period of time where I was so down in the dumps and just distraught, and depressed, and sad, and had to hide it from the world, that I just didn't think that God had that healing for me. I just thought I was gonna be the exception, or this pain was just too much. I just wasn't gonna get it.
I went through some different things in life and ended up asking my pastor— Not asking him. I actually went up to the altar for prayer one night, and the prayer that he gave me was one that I will never forget. But he told me that God had told him that the next path in my life is not gonna be anything at all like the first path. It's gonna be much easier.
And he said, “You are breaking generational curses of family you don't even know.” It just all hit me, that I wanted to let the pain go from the whole entire experience that I had. But I learned the reason why it was so hard for me to let it go, is because the pain was all I had to hang onto.
I didn't have happy memories with my birth family. I didn't have holidays to remember them by. I didn't have anything but the two pictures that I had. The more that I hung onto that pain, the harder things got. And I had to literally make the choice and just say, You know what, God, I don't wanna hang onto this pain anymore. I really don't. I wanna look forward to my future. I want to deep down, deep inside my heart, to be happy.
And I had to ask for prayer. I had my spiritual mother pray for me that the spirit of unwantedness be removed from me, because I just had the spirit of wishing I was never born.
Haley Radke: I remember, no, I remember on Twitter one time you saying that you wish you had been aborted.
Pamela Karanova: Yeah I felt that I was angry at my birth mother for giving me life. I really was angry at her. I wish I was aborted. And I spent— I'm 42 and I spent 38 years mostly, you know, anywhere between 20 and 38 feeling really, really strongly that I wish she would've aborted me, because I can compare that to the pain that was so great.
The pain that I felt from the abandonment was so great that I was angry at her for rejecting me and abandoning me twice. And for the whole entire experience, I was so angry. And I prayed about that a whole lot and I'm like, you know, God, I really wanna be thankful for my life. I struggle with that a lot.
I wanna wake up and just have this zest for life. But it took me four years of the healing process and showing up for church on Sunday, and showing up for meetings at Celebrate Recovery and showing up to talk to people about this. And, you know, doing my online stuff for adoptee advocacy and all this stuff to actually be able to work through all that pain.
And I can honestly say today, I don't feel at all like I wish I was aborted. Today, I don't at all. I actually pray every day and I'm thankful for my life. Because through the healing process, I mean, God has given me hope for the future. He's given me hope to be a better mother than what I had, and a better grandmother (one day, when I have grandkids). And I have, you know, an exciting future with my kids to look forward to.
Haley Radke: Pamela, I should have asked you earlier, but did she keep your half-sister? Does she parent her?
Pamela Karanova: Yeah, she did. Uh-huh. Yeah, she did. And the crazy thing is my half sister and I, we do not have a relationship today, unfortunately. Sadly, because I started identifying and sharing my feelings about how it feels to be adopted on my Facebook.
And she actually surrendered a child for adoption (just like my birth mother did). She became— I think it was triggering to her to read how I felt. And it was triggering because I believe that she has unresolved issues with surrendering her child for adoption. And she lashed out at me on my Facebook at one of my posts, and she got very, very angry at me for sharing it.
It just escalated into something totally unnecessary. You have your journey; I have mine. There's really no comparison. She was angry that she wasn't given up for adoption, and I was. And so she resented me for that. We just basically severed ties from having a relationship, because she can't understand why I feel the way I do.
And she doesn't really need to. She doesn't have to, because she's not adopted. She did keep her and, unfortunately, we don't have a relationship because of the differences. You never know what'll happen, because God can do anything with restoring relationships. So I hang on to hope about that one day it'll be restored.
Haley Radke: Well, I think that you know that I'm a Christian too, and I wonder if you have any comments on how the church has interacted with adoption, in my view, promoted adoption. Do you have any thoughts on that?
Pamela Karanova: I find that (and I am a Christian), but I find that Christians are some of the worst at silencing us when we share our feelings. I think that they promote adoption. And I am honestly not against adoption (wholeheartedly); I am for family preservation. I don't hate adoption, and I know that sometimes adoption has to happen.
I understand that fully. But I also feel like the churches are failing at recognizing the whole entire picture of adoption. It's so celebrated everywhere in our society, especially the churches. I just think that they don't leave room for the pain of the realities of adoption. It hurts a lot, because for adoptees…I mean, yeah.
You know, the first thing they say is, “Oh, isn't that wonderful that you're adopted?” And, you know, there's a lot of tragedy and trauma attached to that. And I feel like it's just neglected. I feel like a lot of times churches are turning a blind eye to it, because they just want to celebrate it. And then sometimes they just don't want to acknowledge it, just like they don't want to acknowledge a lot of other, you know, worldly things out there. So I think there's a lot of misconception. A lot of times, they use the Scriptures to back up adoption and all of that.
The website that I love and that I think you have on your page is Deanna Shrodes’ page, and it's adopteerestoration.com. And she—I remember first finding her blog and I was just glued to it and I'm like, Oh my gosh, she's a pastor and she's adopted. It was the best thing ever. And I scoured her page. Yeah. And I'm like, She gets it. And so I have shared a lot of her stuff on my page, because I find when I share with Christians, they want to silence me with Scriptures and they want to shut me down with Scriptures.
And again, I don't take it personal, but I also have prayed about it. And God has given me the grace to, you know, flip the Scriptures right back on 'em. God is a God of truth. Why are there so many secrets and lies? You know, I mean, I think God wants families to stay together. And that should be our primary focus, not separating them you know?
I understand that things happen and all of that, but I have a true passion to understand what every single person feels like when they are separated from their biological mother. And I just have a really hard time celebrating it. And when churches celebrate it so much, it's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for many other adoptees that are sitting there listening to it.
I don't, thankfully, have to deal with that much at my church. Everybody there has been really understanding to me and my journey, and they've been great listeners and non-judgmental (thankfully). And there have been adoptive parents in there that have learned so much from me sharing my testimony and my journey and, you know, I'm just thankful for the opportunity to be able to help them understand better.
Haley Radke: We actually have several adoptive parents, I know, that are listening to the show. And listening with an open mind and wanting to hear, because their adoptive children are still children and young. And yeah, you know, you talked about growing up in the seventies and this was, you know, “We don't talk about adoption.”
That's kind of what they trained adoptive parents to do. Do you have any ideas for adoptive parents that, you know, how can they best support us as adoptees?
Pamela Karanova: Yeah, I actually do. I know that you've used the Primal Wound book by Nancy Newton Verrier quite a few times on here, but that would be the number one thing that I would recommend.
And then the number two thing is (depending on the age of the child), to start striking up the conversation for them to be able to share their feelings regarding their adoption experience. A lot of times, I hear adoptive parents kind of cringe. And I've seen it with my own eyes, and talked to them about the thought of bringing it up.
They get really– It's a fear thing. I know that it's all rooted and grounded in fear, but I'm telling you, the more that you talk about it and the more you make that conversation an open conversation, and even just say little things… You know, I think all the time I wish somebody would've ever told me that it was okay to love my birth mother.
It was okay to cry and be sad that she was gone. And nobody ever told me that. And it kept it deep in my heart growing up, my whole entire life. And I just wish that somebody would've said, “Hey, it's okay to be sad that you lost two whole families. You lost your birth mother's family and you lost your birth father's family. It's okay to cry about it. It's okay to grieve it.” You know, “It's okay at any age. Write about it. Let's draw about it. Let's just talk about it.”
Those are the main things that I suggest that the “hush hush” approach was from the seventies, and the more that you can talk about it, the quicker healing is gonna happen. And the more transparency that is used and not keeping secrets and no lies—You know, there is no healing from half truths, and there is no healing from lies.
And so the more transparent that adoptive parents (or anyone else in the equation) can be, the better it is for the adoptee. Because it's torture, not even being given the opportunity to heal because you don't have your truth. That's kind of my suggestions. And to find adoptee blogs and read and read and read. And go to the “How Does it Feel to be Adopted" page and read, and just take in as much as you can from the adoptees that have lived it (the adult adoptees that know the experience). They've lived it. I commend any of them that are listening and that have the willingness to do that, because there's a lot of adoptive parents that don't.
And I find some that are just so gracious. They're like, “Oh my gosh, thanks for sharing your story.” And there are lots of them out there like that. So I commend them and I mean, I think everything is going to be good, as long as they keep that train of thought of wanting to learn more, so…
Haley Radke: Thank you. Those are really wise words. I appreciate that.
I was wondering if you have done any writing, or if you have anything that you maybe feel was left unsaid to either your birth mother or your birth father? You didn't really get a chance to, you know, finish tying those knots with your birth mother. She passed away and, yeah... Do you have any thoughts on that?
Pamela Karanova: Yeah. Well, I always thought of what I would say to her if I had one more chance to talk to her. And I would've just kind of told her everything is okay, you know? I don't hate her. I'm not mad at her. I've forgiven her. I've forgiven everybody in this whole equation. But the saddest part to me was that she died all alone. And she died an alcoholic; she had COPD.
And I remember going back to her house when she died. I told my birth sister, “I really need to go there. I just really wanna see what her house was like.” And we went, and her house was like a scene from the seventies. And they say that when birth mothers surrender their babies, like their world, ends. Like it stops, like time stops.
And I looked all over her house, and it was literally what it looked like. It looked like all the blinds were drawn. There were holes in the windows with tape and paper over them. There was no running water. It was super, super dusty and dirty. And I just couldn't believe that she died like that, when I would've been there for her. I would've taken care of her.
I would've had a relationship with her. I would've just been active in her life. And instead of have me in her life, she would rather die that way. And it just… If I could ever tell her anything that, you know: I just wanted to be there for her. I don't think that she knew God at all, even though they talked about Him at her funeral.
She was not a Christian. I would've maybe introduced her to Him. I would've loved to have the opportunity to have a talk with her about God, but I didn't get that chance, unfortunately. I think she passed away with a whole great deal of shame and all of that. There's a lot of stereotype out there that all birth mothers wanted their babies, and they basically were forced into giving them up.
And I agree that's a lot of them, but it's not all the cases. And I hear a lot of birth mothers tell me, you know, “I'm sure she wanted to keep you, and I'm sure this, and I'm sure that.” And I have to say, “Well, you really can't speak for all birth mothers.” Because I really don't think that my birth mother truly wanted to keep me.
I think that she had made her mind up from the minute she found out she was pregnant. And I think she rejected the whole pregnancy, mentally and emotionally. And I think that she just wanted to get rid of the problem, but I think deep in her heart, you know, she had an attachment to me. And that's what ultimately kept her stuck (the way that she was stuck), and what ultimately killed her.
I mean, alcoholism ultimately killed her, but that wound was the biggest wound of all, is the mother wound. And I feel like I'm really at a place of healing with it and acceptance. And I'm at a better place, emotionally, than I ever have been right now.
Birth father, you know what? I really don't know about that guy. He's an alcoholic, still. But the thing about that is, people you know will say, “Oh, her birth mother was quote unquote, ‘a $2 crack whore,’” or “He was this,” and “He was that.” And I always said, “You know what? I didn't care what they were or they weren't. I did not care if she was a ‘$2 crack whore,’ or a prostitute. Or if he was a drug addict. I wanted to know them. I wanted to see them and meet them for myself.”
And so regardless of them being alcoholics, it did not waver on the fact that I wanted to get to know them, and I wanted to have relationships with them. So anyway, I don't—I'm still praying about him. I have always had a hope that I would meet my biological grandmother, who's still alive. I've always had that hope. And he told me that he thinks it would kill her if I go to meet her. I think that it would kill him to know that he had an affair outside of his marriage and conceived a child. I think his issues are in fear, with that. But I think she would love to know me.
But I'm kind of in a place where I really don't think that's ever going to happen. I would like to say I have hope in it, but she's in a nursing home. She's about 94. And I really want to drive to see her, like I showed up at his door. I want to just show up at the nursing home and see her. And I'm really praying about it, because I really…
It's a dream. It's a dream that I've had forever, but I'm kind of giving up on my birth father. If he knows that I'm his daughter by DNA and he still does not acknowledge me, what can I do with that? You know? I can forgive him, and I can pray for him. And I have to close that door so I can move on with my life, you know?
And that's kinda where I'm at, is moving forward. And he knows the truth, and if he chooses not to accept it, it's just really, really his loss. So that's it with that, I guess. I'm at a more peaceful place now. Since the truth has been uncovered–-You know, there was such a gray area where, “I didn't know if you’re mine! Blood test…” All this stuff. And as soon as I sent that proof of DNA off to him, it was like a huge relief for me. Because now, at least, the truth was presented, which is something that has not been presented for 42 years. Like, he has not known the truth.
And so now that he knows the truth, even though he still denies me, he's going to be accountable for that. It doesn't have anything to do with me. And so I just have prayed about it and I've had to just release all of that to God and say, “You know what? It's his loss.”
Haley Radke: Yes. Thank you. Is there anything else you want to share with us before we go on to recommended resources?
Pamela Karanova: I would love for any of my fellow adoptees to reach out to me and to let them know that they're not alone. I remember being alone and it was just the worst feeling in the world to not have anybody that could understand what I was going through.
And I want to just really encourage them to not give up hope in finding their family in finding their truth and in healing. And to just say that God heals. No pain that we go through in life (whether it be adoptee or anything) is exempt to His healing. I share my journey at adopteeinrecovery.com. My Twitter handle is @PamelaKaranova, p-a-m-e-l-a-k-a-r-a-n-o-v-a. And then Instagram is @pwishes, w-i-s-h-e-s. And then of course the Facebook Like page, if everybody has not already liked it, it is a really active page that a lot of people share their experiences on, being adopted. And you can just type that in the search field: “How Does it Feel to be Adopted?” And then any adoptees can look me up on Facebook, under Pamela Karanova. I'm pretty reachable.
Haley Radke: That's awesome. Well, speaking of Facebook, I'm gonna to bring it up (so you're gonna hear my clicks here), but my recommendation is this cool thing called Six Word Adoption Memoirs.
And I've been trying to figure out the source and I've been struggling with it a little bit (I'll be honest, Pamela). I've been looking at a few different places, so I'm not sure. So if anyone knows the exact source, why don't you write to me so I can credit you on the show notes?
But I found two different things. There's a Six-Word Adoption Memoir Project, and it's a page you can like. And there's a video that these two people have put together, Derek Frank and Andrew Tash. And it's on Vimeo, it's about 20 minutes. And it's adoptees and some birth parents sharing their Six-Word Adoption Memoirs and just kind of elaborating on that.
And then there's also on the Facebook page, is Adoption Trauma. I don't know if you follow that one. I think you might.
Pamela Karanova: Yeah. Uh huh. Yes, I do. Yeah.
Haley Radke: Have you seen their Six-Word Adoption Memoirs?
Pamela Karanova: I've briefly looked at them. Yeah. They are very fascinating. I like reading them a lot.
Haley Radke: They are so powerful. It's amazing. So there's a whole photo gallery you can go back and look through. So that's what I'm looking at right now. So I'm gonna read out a couple. And some of them are very heartbreaking. Like this one:
“Time does not heal this pain.” (And that's by May Pearl Crendon).
“Never forgotten, taken away, endless pains.” (Sarah Hall)
“I'm a person, not a pawn.” (Mel Wilson)
“Found my voice. No one listens.” (Carolyn Pooler)
“Four months until 18. Mom's coming.” (Linda Michelle)
(Transcript was edited in November 2023, these names or phrases could not be verified online. We apologize for any name misspellings).
So that's just kind of a selection. They're very powerful. Not all of them are quite as sad as those ones that I read out, but if you have some time, it's kind of an interesting thing to go through.
So the other thing I found was that Andrew Tash and Derek Frank, they presented this video that they made up at the American Adoption Congress Conference. And so I'm thinking that may be the source of these Six-Word Adoption Memoirs. I'm not sure. Anyway, so those are two places that you can go to find those: that video, and then again, that photo gallery.
And I just, I'm just kind of obsessed with them. Every time they come up in my feed I'm like, Whoa, this is so interesting and things to ponder about and... Just having it in such a short, concise statement just makes it so much more powerful. So yeah, something to check out.
Pamela Karanova: Yeah, I'm gonna look at those. That sounds really, really intriguing.
Haley Radke: And what did you want to share with us?
Pamela Karanova: Well, I have a recommendation that is Jessenia Arias. She might not realize it, but back in 2011 when I started my healing journey, she was the first adoptee that I found on Twitter that I could really relate to and understand. She gave me hope and encouragement, and really inspired me to use my voice (and that it mattered).
This resulted in me starting my adoptee recovery journey, because this one person was like… All these “aha” moments started happening when I was reading her tweets and her blog. She's got an amazing love for God that shines through her that I was really, really attracted to. I felt like her wisdom and knowledge with the adoption experience and her grace was something that I really, really was drawn to.
And I hope that she knows how special she is to the adoptee community, because she's one of the pioneer adoptees on Twitter that is very active in sharing her voice and doing it in a graceful way. Her Twitter handle is @iamadopted and she has a website, and it is The Not So Secret Life of an Adoptee. Anyway, I really recommend her for adoptive parents and adoptees to look at her blog and read up, and learn, and grow from her. And I think she's amazing.
The other resource is (it's really a basic one, but it's a very powerful one): AncestryDNA. DNA is the way to go. I mean, there's still so many adoptees out there that don't have their truth; they don't have their answers. They're being haunted by not knowing these very basic things that they should be able to know. And DNA is trumping everything.
I mean, DNA is trumping this process of, you know, getting our birth records. And all these closed states that won't let us have our OBCs. So I think that every adoptee listening should treat themselves and buy a DNA kit: $99. Just do it. Do it. And contact me and let me know how it goes. I'll help you if you need help. But anyway, those are my two resources.
Haley Radke: Oh my gosh, that's so funny. Okay, so you did 23Andme, is that right?
Pamela Karanova: Uh-huh. Yep.
Haley Radke: And then you connected to ancestry.com?
Pamela Karanova: I recommend Ancestry, just because the DNA test is a lot cheaper and they do have a big pool. The only reason I didn't say 23Andme is because their prices are like double now.
Haley Radke: Oh, okay. Okay. I see. So you can test on either site and…
Pamela Karanova: Right. You can, yeah. I think Ancestry is quite a bit cheaper than a lot of them now. And you know, everybody can do the research (just to make sure), but during the holidays, they usually go on sale. It goes to $89 and then of course you can transfer it to GEDmatch. And you can have all these high pools of DNA matches and start asking questions and hopefully get some answers, and so....
Haley Radke: Oh that's fascinating. I always wonder how people find their families if they don't have names. I mean, what do you do?
Pamela Karanova: You just get the highest DNA matches and start asking questions. And I actually found a cousin through DNA by doing my DNA test, and she has been like a godsend to me. She's connected on my birth mother's side and I haven't got to meet her yet, but we have made like lifelong friends. And she's a cousin that's a generation older than me. She's been one of the best parts of my search and my DNA test. She's amazing.
Haley Radke: Wow. That's awesome.
Pamela Karanova: Yeah, you never know what you're gonna find with DNA. Just do it.
Haley Radke: Alright, well Pamela, thank you so much for sharing your time with us. I just loved hearing your story. And thank you for being so vulnerable and open with all the challenges that you've gone through, and just that message of hope you have for us. That was really wonderful.
Pamela Karanova: Oh well, thank you so much. I'm so honored to be here and thank you for all you do.
Haley Radke: If you have more questions for Pamela or would like to thank her for sharing her heart with us, you can connect with her on Twitter @PamelaKaranova. And I'll have links to Pamela's blog, and Facebook page, and all of our recommended resources on the show notes (which you can find on adopteeson.com).
You can also chat with us on Twitter or Instagram @adopteeson or Facebook. Just search Adoptees On podcast.
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