12 Davis
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/12
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season One, episode 12: Davis. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today we'll be talking to Davis Peticolas, a fellow adoptee who shares his story about coming out of the adoption fog when he was 50 years old.
Davis outlines some of his deeply personal struggles that can be traced back to adoption trauma as the root cause. As always, we'll wrap up with some recommended resources for you.
I'm so pleased to introduce to the show today, Davis Peticolas. Thanks for joining us today, Davis.
Davis Peticolas: Glad to be here.
Haley Radke: Wonderful. I would love it if you would just start with a little bit about your adoption story for us.
Davis Peticolas: Well, I was born December 6th, 1941, which is one day before Pearl Harbor. My birth mother was 27. My birth father was 41. My adoptive dad was a doctor and a doctor friend of his arranged it. My dad's brother (twin brother) was a lawyer, so he was the one that did the legal work. It's not through any organization, or foundation, or Catholic charities, or anything like that.
I went to my adoptive family at one week. My adoptive family–-there was an older brother who was a bio child. He was two-and-a-half years older. My mother had (my adoptive mother) had had eclampsia with his birth and almost died. So that was the reason they couldn't have another child, and so they adopted then.
Haley Radke: Would you say 1941—is that even pre-Baby Scoop?
Davis Peticolas: I do not know. Of course, adoptions were happening. I can't tell you how often it happened.
Haley Radke: Yeah, that's what I was curious about. I wonder how common that was.
Davis Peticolas: It's clearly… It was done.
Haley Radke: Yeah. So do you know any of the circumstances behind your relinquishment?
Davis Peticolas: I do not. My birth mother and father had died by the time I searched and identified them, so I have not been able to garner any information as to really what was going on in their lives.
Interestingly enough, when I found my birth mother and connected to two half-siblings (two half-brothers)---When I met them, they gave me quite a bit of information and some pictures. And one of the pictures is a picture of my mother with her mother, and on the back of that picture, it says: “Best mother ever.” And it's dated three months after my birth. And I kind of (in my mind), I say They made up that at this point. And that's kind of why it's the “Best mother ever.”
I've always had this feeling that my grandmother, (who I never, of course, knew who it was)... I had a connection there, and I never quite understood that. But I've always felt it. I don't know whether that makes any sense or not.
Haley Radke: Sure it does, just have a photo of them. That's something.
Davis Peticolas: Well, that's true.
Haley Radke: Okay, so tell me how did you search and just, and come to this realization that you found them both and they were already passed away?
Davis Peticolas: I was 50 before I really crashed and defogged. My life wasn't working. And my marriage was in trouble. And we started counseling and I was lucky enough to have a counselor who was aware of adoption. There was a man and his wife who ran this group, and the wife was adopted, so she knew what the issues were.
And so very quickly after starting counseling, I was asked to look at my adoption issues. And I very brazenly said, “I don't think there's any snakes under that rock.” And I jokingly say, “I was right. They weren't snakes, they were bloody dragons.”
That's when I began to defog, and shortly after that I began to search. I have quite a few skin problems and my dermatologist said, “You really need to know this family history.” And so he very willingly wrote a letter to ask to open my adoption file. So I had their names, and my birth mother's name is very common (both first and last name are very common), and I just got nowhere.
My father's name was rather unusual and I could very easily trace him. He had died about four years before that, so I floundered on for a while, not getting anywhere fast. And then, the state of Texas (in 2000…I'm guessing 2004, or something like that) allowed adoptees to get their birth certificates if they knew their parents' names.
Now that's kind of a catch for most people, but luckily I could. So I was one of the first to get my OBC from Texas. And on that, there was her Social Security number. And for 1941, that was a little unusual. It took almost, maybe a day to find that she had died, given her Social Security number.
So, she had died in Tennessee, so I wrote and got her death certificate. And that's where I saw that I had some half-brothers. You know, I can't imagine the difficulty of calling your birth mother or birth father, because it was so hard to call my half-brothers. I would call and his daughter would answer, (well, I couldn't talk to her).
I would call; he wouldn't be there. And each time I had to call, I would just have to screw up my courage just to make the call. But finally, I connected and I think I said something like, “I think we share a mother.” And there was dead silence and I thought, Oh my God what's gonna come back? And he said, “Just a minute, I have to change rooms.”
And he said, “I had an inkling about you, that on my birth certificate, it says there was a previous birth. And I asked our mother about it, and she would never answer.” So he had a clue. So I met my two half-brothers. They grew up in an alcoholic family and have their own issues. We are not particularly close, although we do talk a little bit. The younger one looks somewhat like me, and we seem to have connected a little better than I have with the older one.
So we talk a bit. I can't say that it's close. I mean, you know, yes, we share genes, but we have no shared history, and so it's just awkward. I didn't find what I wanted from searching. I didn't get what I wanted from searching, but I am so glad that I did, because I have now identified both my birth mother and my birth father.
Just yesterday, I connected to a living relative on my father's side, which blew my mind. And he sent me photos and documents and I was just—I'm still blown away.
Haley Radke: What does that feel like, when you see those pictures?
Davis Peticolas: I'm slow to understand that. I see ‘em, and my first reaction is, Who are these people? I don't immediately feel a connection to them.
I think there will be more of a connection over time. Obviously, I don't know whether I'll ever meet this particular individual, but… The people he has sent me photos of are long dead, but still I'm glad to have them.
Haley Radke: Let's go back to: you’re 50 years old and your therapist is asking you about your adoption issues. And you said, “There's dragons under there, not just snakes.”
Can you unpack that a little bit?
Davis Peticolas: Any adoptee who's gone through defogging, you know, it's the unfolding and seeing how being adopted has affected you. Most of us have been in denial for most of our lives. Some can defog early, but I couldn't.
I was consumed by shame and I had the belief that I am a mistake. Not that I made a mistake, I am the mistake. I also disassociated. And I didn't know that word or even what it meant, but literally, I divided my mind and my body so that I did not feel. So I shut down all my feelings, and the cost of shutting down my feelings was that my hands peeled.
Of course, I didn't know that was the reason. I just knew that my hands peeled, and I went to doctors, and I used lotions, and I slept with cotton gloves. And my hands peeled, and I think it started somewhere around age five. And it did not stop until about age 50, when I had a (what felt to me) like a nervous breakdown.
And what it actually was, is I finally allowed my feelings to be felt in my body. I was at work. I had closed the door to my office and I was crying. I literally didn't know what was happening. Finally, I called my therapist and very patiently, I was told, you know, “This is hurt. This is anger. This is fear.”
And it was like I was learning to talk to my body. And as I began to allow my feelings to be felt in my body, my hands stopped peeling. For something that I had lived with for 50 years, that was pretty amazing to me. And I thought, Man, this is big stuff. I thought I was cured. And of course I wasn't.
I was just making the next step, but that was part of… Later, when I was obsessed with trying to figure out Why in the world am I as crazy as I am? Why do I act so strangely? Why do I run from situations that I should be running towards?, I read The Primal Wound. I read much of the literature that was available in the early 90s.
I guess I struggle some with the primal wound, with the idea that Well, I don't feel like I'm wounded. How do I know I'm wounded? I kept wanting to understand just why am I so screwed up? I'm very capable in many ways, but in relationships and that kind of stuff, I screwed up. The Paul Sunderland video was important to me because it said, “Look, adoptees can get PTSD.” And that kind of resonated with me, not that what I had compares to what people in the military go through, but there was something there that caused my brain to change.
And then I read a book by Bessel van der Kolk, who's an expert on trauma. The one line out of the book that I just dropped the book on was, “People who have trauma often disassociate.” And while I have no memory of trauma, I'd lived disassociation for 50 years. So I knew that. I knew that had happened to me, so maybe the trauma was real.
And then there's another book that just lays it all out. It's not really about adoption, but it's about early trauma, trauma that occurs when the individual is in what they call the developmental stage (basically birth to two years, I think). And they started identifying some of the problems these people would have. And damn, I had every one of them. Every one of 'em.
And so I finally accepted that the primal wound was real, that I really was damaged, that it had affected me. That helped me understand—did not change me, but helped me understand why I acted like I act (like I do).
Haley Radke: If you're comfortable with that, would you mind just saying some of those things that you identified with in that book that had said that, “These are things that people with trauma have, often”?
Davis Peticolas: Sure! Well, the first thing is: Disconnected from physical and emotional self. That's the dissociation that I lived for 50 years. So that's one.
[Two]: Difficulty relating to others. (Yeah, I have that.)
[Three]: Difficulty knowing what I need. You know, I'm 74 years old and I've made it through life, and yet it's very hard for me to know if I'm hungry, if I'm full from eating. If I'm tired, I sometimes will drive myself to exhaustion (when I really should have, you know, hours ago, taken a break).
[Four]: Feeling our needs do not deserve to be met. That's a big one. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve to be able to ask somebody to help me.
And that leads to the next one [Five]: Feeling we cannot depend on anybody else. I struggle asking people for help. I try way too hard to go it alone, and yet I had people in my life that would've loved to help me. And yet, I have a hard time just asking.
[Six]: Feeling I always have to be in control. I don't know what the hell would happen if I'm not (and I guess generally I probably am not). But I still have this feeling that, Man, I have to drive the ship.
[Seven]: Difficulty setting limits.
[Eight]: Difficulty saying no.
[Nine]: Difficulty integrating heart and sexuality.
[Ten]: and My self-esteem is based on my performance.
So those are the 9 or 10 things. Every one of them, they lay out in this book and say, “If you experienced developmental trauma, you may have any or all of these.” Well, I got 'em all. And again, having them and understanding why I do what I do is great. It kinda allows me to check off a box saying, Okay, I understand. But that does not mean I can check off the box that I have changed. I have to actively do things differently.
I spent a life, basically, hiding in the corner. In a social situation, if you look to the corner, you'd probably see me. So I have to push myself not to go to the corner. I have to push myself to be present and to be heard. I wrote my personal story of adoption with the express idea of, I'm gonna tell it like it was. This is Davis. This is not a facade that he hangs up in front of him for people to see. This is who I am.
And I've tried to share that with people. And it is exhilarating and it's scary. Adoptees seem to understand and people who are not adopted kind of struggle with it. It's hard for people who haven't experienced this to even begin to understand what it's like.
Haley Radke: Did you ever talk about these things with your adoptive brother or your adoptive parents?
Davis Peticolas: Not really. I tried a little bit with my a-mom, but it was not very satisfactory. I didn't really approach the adoption stuff. My parents divorced when I was about 11, and one of the worst days of my life was after that, having to go in front of a judge with my brother. And we had to decide, basically, which parent was more important to us. That was not the question, but that was really what we were answering. And it just tore me apart.
And years later, I tried to talk to my mom about that incident, saying that no child should have to choose between their parents. Her only response was, “You made the right decision.” That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear, “I'm sorry you had to go through that.” But… So having gotten that answer, I never really tried to go very deep with it. Any of them.
Haley Radke: And how about with your wife? You said you guys were having some issues and that's when you went into therapy...
Davis Peticolas: I have tried to talk with my wife about this. I think she struggles with it, too. And she grew up in an alcoholic home. I think it's hard for her to understand just how devastating (or whatever it is) it is to be adopted. You know, the unicorns and butterflies that most of our societies think about adoption, it's sometimes hard to see what the real reality is.
And I don't even like the word “adoption.” And to adopt means, “to take in and raise as your own.” And what's wrong with that? Nothing, except that to be available for adoption, there had to be severe trauma. And that's ignored. It's not even considered.
I have written several pieces, trying to understand myself, what's going on with me. And I've shared that with my wife, and the last one, I think she understood. I think it's still hard for her, though. So we have more to talk about. We're not done yet.
Haley Radke: Well, I definitely do agree with you that it is adoptees that understand. And it is very hard to express all of the pain (and all of those things) to someone else that hasn't gone through it.
Davis Peticolas: It is almost impossible, I think, for someone who’s not adopted to really understand. And quite frankly, I think for adoptees, it's pretty much impossible to say that they haven't been affected, because they've never really experienced not being affected. It’s… I don't know how to bridge that communication divide, because it really is severe.
Haley Radke: Well, even just adoptees, like yourself in your first 50 years. I mean, it takes a lot for someone to come out of the fog, you know?
Davis Peticolas: That's right.
Haley Radke: And often, there's some big trigger or something. For me, I think it was when I was pregnant with my first child, you know. Like some big life event happens, and then all the feelings get stirred up, and you gotta figure it out.
Davis Peticolas: That's funny. It reminds me—When I defogged, I was in Austin, Texas and I joined a triad group (actually), and was part of a program there. There were two women and myself, and both of them said that when they got pregnant and were going to have a child, that they had to know. They had to search, they had to… Something had to change.
And, you know, I was stubborn. I guess I sailed right through that. From all the adoptees I have known, there's some that can do it before 40. But most of them wait for the midlife crisis, where all our defense mechanisms stop working and we're kinda raw. And that's when we crash. And that's certainly what happened to me.
Haley Radke: So would you mind just talking a little bit about coming on the other side of that? The things that you've done to heal and any positive things that have come out of actually looking at this disconnection from your feelings and your body? And talk a little bit about that?
Davis Peticolas: I became human, is what it means. Without your feelings, I was more computer than person. If you told me a problem, I was Mr. Fix-it. I wasn't about to listen to try to be empathetic with you. So I became real; I became vulnerable. I became, I think, more loving.
I think the process of trying to stop doing the crazy stuff: to stop the hiding out, stop the feeling shame, and feeling that I'm a mistake. That takes some really conscious effort. It's scary, because for so long, I did it the other way. So I don't really know what to expect.
I have been gratified that when I have been brave enough to let people see the real me, they haven't thrown me away. They have embraced me. They have been kind and loving. And so that encourages me to do even more of it, I think.
Haley Radke: Are there any practical exercises that your therapist gave you to work on? I know you said you had written some pieces that were helpful in processing...
Davis Peticolas: I was in therapy for probably four or five years (around, or maybe it was three or four. I don't know...1990). And then I've just, here about five years ago, I started again. And it was interesting. I was lucky the first time, in that I needed a therapist that understood adoptee issues, and I fell into one. This time, I had a guy that was a very good therapist, but didn't have a clue about adoption.
So in a sense, I was educating him, because at least I knew what my issues were. And I trusted him. He was willing to hear, and every so often I would say something and I could see his physical reaction. I know I remember saying, you know, “When my firstborn was born, that for the first time, I saw a blood relative.”
And I, you know, I saw his head jerk back. “Oh my God, I'd never thought of that!,” kind of thing. So it was interesting. He could guide me, but more, I think I knew what I needed. And I knew I needed someone to trust, and I could trust him. So it worked. But in a very real sense, I was teaching him about what it meant to be adopted. And he would readily admit now, that when I started, he was the “rainbows and unicorn” believer.
Haley Radke: I bet there's just tons and tons of therapists, right? That have no clue about the adoptee issues. And so, I imagine there's lots of adoptees that go for counseling and just flounder, because they don't find the root cause of their problems.
Davis Peticolas: Unfortunately, I think that's true. I think if you get a really good counselor and they listen to you, they'll make it through.
And I think if you have defogged, so that, you know (in a sense) just how affected you have been by adoption, then you can lead a therapist (in a sense,) and it'll be alright. But if you haven't defogged, you better get a counselor that knows what adoptees go through.
Haley Radke: Hmm-hmm. So what I had asked is if there were any specific exercises or things that either one of your therapists had suggested to you, to work through some of these things?
Davis Peticolas: Actually, I think… They didn't suggest it, but writing has been a big one for me. Just to put down in words what happened, what my experiences were, what… Somehow that makes them real. I don't know how that works. Writing them and then reading them out loud, there's something about…
This podcast, I hope it has that power. Saying something out loud has a power that's different than something written. Both are important, but... I know sometimes, I have written something and if I start reading it out loud (particularly to someone else), it will hit me with an emotional impact that wasn't there without that. I think having contact with other adoptees has been very healing for me, too. I do it online.
When I was in Austin, I had a group that I could meet with and that was good, too. And I would recommend for any adoptee to find such a group. Sharing our stories is healing. It's powerful. Our society, in general, we've lost the art of talking to people and being real with people.
You know, we're so focused on our cell phones or the TV (or whatever), that while we may think we're communicating, we've lost the real communication of the heart-to-heart stuff. And there's much healing in being able to just say, “This is what happened to me. Ouch.”
Haley Radke: Yes. As an adoptee that has read other adoptees’ blogs who had already been out of the fog and gone before, and I could say, “Me, too.”
Davis Peticolas: Yes, exactly. Exactly. We can see ourselves. Sometimes, I will read what someone else has gone through and my first reaction is, Oh, I'm so sorry he had to do that, go through that. And then I think about it—I experienced that too, and I hadn't even realized it. So it's an eye-opener. We can see what we've really been through, just by hearing other people.
Haley Radke: This has all been so, so good. Thank you. Such valuable insight that you've shared. Is there anything else that you want to say to us about your journey? Or about healing or anything before we do our recommended resources?
Davis Peticolas: Don't stop. Twelve-step programs have a saying that, “If you find yourself going through hell, keep on going.”
And I think that applies to adoptees, too. It is shattering to defog, but don't stop. Keep on going. The only way through is to go through. You can't bury it again. Doesn't work. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Haley Radke: That's so powerful. Wow. Thank you. Oh, Davis, it's been so wonderful talking to you.
And now my resources. Something lighter and…
Davis Peticolas: Good!
Haley Radke: Okay, I’ve got this website that I frequent called Adoption at the Movies. I don't know if you've seen it before, but…
Davis Peticolas: No, I haven't.
Haley Radke: It's written by Addison Cooper. He is a licensed clinical social worker, and his bio on the site says that he works in foster care and foster-to-adopt situations. And the website address is adoptionlcsw.com.
And he has hundreds of reviews of movies that are current (some past). And all of his reviews are based on the focus of where adoption might show up, or where an adoptee or someone in foster care might be triggered.
And his reviews, I would say, are more focused to perhaps an adoptive parent or a foster parent who would have the opportunity to have a conversation with their adoptive child or foster child about the movie, situations in the movie (those things, you know, opening up a dialogue).
But for me as an adoptee, I can go there and be like, Ooh, I'm not watching that movie, because it's going to wreck me for days. So it's a great resource to go and just quickly look and see. I was just on Twitter, I think yesterday. Someone I was following was saying, “Oh, adoption is coming up in this TV show I'm watching and now I can't watch it anymore, and...”
And so it was just—that surprise can be a trigger for a lot of us. And so this is an awesome thing for sensitive people (like me) to just check before maybe go see a movie. “Finding Dory” was the one that I was alerted to.
Davis Peticolas: I was thinking of that as you spoke.
Haley Radke: Yeah. So I haven't seen it and I'm kind of sad, because I really did love the first one. So anyway, I really love this website. I've seen other bloggers recommend it, too. I think I maybe first found it on Deanna Schrodes’ blog, Adoptee Restoration.
Yeah, so that's my recommendation. What did you bring to recommend today?
Davis Peticolas: I really recommend that adoptees connect to other adoptees. If you can find a local group where you can meet face-to-face, that's great. If you can't, then there are places on the website. There are some Facebook groups that are available.
I participate in the https://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/ (is the front page), and you can click on the forum and get into it (if people are interested).
But the book I would recommend is not about adoption, but it's the one that really talks about developmental trauma and healing. And that's Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. And it's written by Heller and LaPierre.
It really lays out what happens to us. And I think it's important to understand that it's not enough to understand. That you still have to do the work to change it, but it's a starting place.
Haley Radke: And is that the one that you read that list from?
Davis Peticolas: It is.
Haley Radke: Thank you. I will put a link to that in the show notes, so people can find it. I'm so grateful for your honesty and candor with us. I know that our listeners are gonna find lots of pieces of wisdom and value from it. So thank you.
Davis Peticolas: Well, thank you for having me. I really think that your podcast has and is going to affect adoptees in a very positive way.
Haley Radke: If you have more questions for Davis or would like to thank him for sharing with us, you can find him on Facebook.
Davis recorded his excellent essay, “Am I Blood or Am I Water?,” and you can find this free download on our website, along with the show notes with links to everything we've discussed (adopteeson.com).
Come and chat with us on Twitter or Instagram @adopteeson and on Facebook, just search Adoptees On podcast. Thank you to everyone who connects with me and our guests on social media. It's a great encouragement to them to hear from you, and know how their stories have impacted your journey.
Today, would you take a moment to share this episode with an adoptee or adoption support group you are a part of? Perhaps your community would benefit from listening to these episodes and discussing them together.
Thanks for listening. Let's talk again, soon.
Small Radke: Thanks for listening to Adoptees On!
Haley Radke: Thanks, honey. Okay, you go play.
