20 [Healing Series] Suicide with Melissa K. Nicholson, LMSW
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Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/20
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I'm your host, Haley Radke, and this is a special episode in our Healing Series where I interview therapists who are also adoptees themselves so they know from personal experience what it feels like to be an adoptee.
Today we have an extremely sensitive topic and I just wanna give you a content warning. We are gonna be discussing suicide sometimes in a graphic manner, and so please listen at your discretion. We'll be talking about some warning signs, how to get help, how we can intervene, and also therapies that are beneficial for adoptees who may struggle with suicidal ideation.
If you're up for tackling this difficult subject with us today, let's listen in.
Melissa K. Nicholson is an adoptee and psychotherapist who specializes in helping adopted teens and adults who have experienced complex trauma and loss. Discover a life worth living. Welcome to Adoptee On, Melissa.
Melissa K. Nicholson: Thank you for having me.
Haley Radke: I am so pleased to introduce you to our audience, and I would love it if you would just share a little bit about yourself with us.
Melissa K. Nicholson: I'm in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was adopted around, two, two months after my birth mother, who was in her thirties at the time, relinquished me. So I spent a little time at foster home before going to my adoptive parents. I also have a adoptive brother who's five years older than me and biologically unrelated.
Personally, I felt that being adopted has impacted my life in many ways. Mainly, I've had to find this sense of who I am and being with myself and that person in a loving, compassionate way whenever life throws me something, I feel difficult at time. I'm in Reunion with my birth mother. While in graduate school, shortly after having my son about, about a year after actually, I found her via an adoption registry website, and have been in contact with her, ever since.
And as far as my biological father have been in search, but have yet to hear back.
Haley Radke: How did you decide to become a therapist?
Melissa K. Nicholson: From the time that I was little I wanted to be a teacher to having a, an extra sensitivity to my friends and those around me. So I first actually went to school to become a veterinarian, which changed to education.
However, I realized after volunteering at a crisis hotline, that I wanted to be a therapist. And it wasn't until after my son was born, after my reunion with my birth mother while I was working at my first full-time postgraduate job, that I wanted to work with adoptees. I felt that I had something to share given my experiences as an adoptee and saw a need in the community.
Haley Radke: You've probably heard us talk about it on the podcast before. We so need more adoption sensitive therapists, so that's great. Thank you. I asked you to maybe tackle the most difficult subject in our healing series so far, and that is adoptee suicide. We've all heard that stat that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide.
Is that even true? What can you tell us about that?
Melissa K. Nicholson: The research does show a link between risk of suicide and adoption. We're aware that the trauma in adoption, separation from one's mother is trauma. So even babies relinquished as an infant can struggle with trust attachment as children and adult.
So in cases of abuse and neglect where a separation occurs in foster care, let's say trauma can be greater. The effects of adoption trauma like anxiety, depression, hopelessness, self-harm, those can also increase risk of wanting to die. Some adoptees feel disconnected and different from their adoptive family.
They feel my mother didn't want me, and what's wrong with me? Then there's this message, whether it be from society or directly from adoptive parents in some cases that you know, they, you're special or you must be grateful. And so this can create a, an environment that's invalidating.
And so when someone invalidates, your emotional experiences are rejected and ignored or judged. And so when invalidation happens, an emotional distress can worsen and can feel hopeless in that case. And I would also like to add that there is a genetic link to suicide just in general.
So people who have a biological, a marker of, whether it's depression or even suicide in their biological family are at greater risk also. So there's that component too. So when you kinda add that with the trauma piece that can, have the double whammy so to speak.
Haley Radke: What are some of the things that we need to look out for in ourselves? And then also maybe, our friends that are adoptees.
Melissa K. Nicholson: So warning signs could be you're feeling like you just don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You don't have, you're really lacking motivation. You could be using alcohol to escape from your problems. Looking for a way to even kill yourself. Looking online for materials or means to do so. Withdrawing from your friends and family.
Sleeping too much, or too little even. Another sign is calling people to say goodbye. Writing notes to people, loved ones, and giving away your belongings.
Haley Radke: So if we notice that we're having some of these thoughts, Melissa, can we reach out for help or are we already stuck?
Melissa K. Nicholson: No, if you, if you have a planner, seriously thinking about suicide and please reach out for support. There are hotlines to call like 1-800-273-talk. That's the one that I know about. It's national hotline. Or contact your local emergency services and you deserve help and you deserve to live. Finding someone that you can trust. Having a support network is really important. So making sure this person or persons is someone that is willing to listen without judgment.
There's a lot of misconceptions around suicide. Like people who attempt or die by suicide or selfish, quote unquote. This is not, that's not true. People who are suicidal are in extreme amount of emotional pain, and the only way that they, they feel that they can end this pain as by ending their life.
There are many ways to solve the problem, and suicide is not one of them. So the important thing is, to remember is suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Haley Radke: If we are seeing some of these symptoms in a friend, how can we help them?
Melissa K. Nicholson: I think the most important thing, number one, is to listen and try not to offer to cheerlead or talk them out of it. Like I was saying before about that invalidation piece, I think that a lot of people get really scared that they're gonna lose their friend and, that's very understandable. However, it's. If people aren't allowed the space to express their pain, they can't get to the level of being able to problem solve ways out of it.
They need to, have that, like I said, that space to, talk about what's really going on. So listening without judgment, offering your support and letting them know that you're there for them.
Haley Radke: And if we know that they have a plan already, what, what's the step? Like, do we contact emergency services?
Melissa K. Nicholson: Yeah. If you know that somebody is, they're saying 'that's it. I am have a gun to my head, or pills, I've already taken pills', for example. You definitely want to make sure that they're gonna be safe. So that's the number one priority is that they are safe. And so to ensure their safety is the top priority. And then, so if you call, or have them call and make making sure that you're with them. That kind of thing, letting them know that you're there for them. That you care about them. That this is something that you.... you wanna see them live because you really care for them and their life.
Haley Radke: Okay. So you, mentioned a 1- 800 number and that's for the US I'm assuming. So whatever country you're in, you can just Google Suicide hotline or distress hotline, to find some support services. Is that right?
Melissa K. Nicholson: Yes. I'm not sure outside of the US what suicide hotlines are. The 1-800-273-TALK is the main one here in the US.
They have separate lines for people who are veterans, people who are, actually people who are associated with the NFL.
Haley Radke: Oh yeah.
Melissa K. Nicholson: They need one for adoptees. Specific lines for different populations that struggle with suicide. It can be really helpful to, I think that maybe some of the, depending on your community might have a local hotline that you can call as well. Google can be your friend in that way too.
Haley Radke: If someone already has thoughts of suicide and now we're getting them help, what's, what are the interventions that are most helpful for adoptees?
Melissa K. Nicholson: I have been trained in D B T, which is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And that's a, a treatment that was originally developed for people who have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
And so I'm not saying everybody would, the adoptee has borderline personality disorder, but, it can be helpful for a variety of issues. People who struggle with high intensity of emotions and self harm, anxiety, those kinds of things. High sensitivity to emotions and have a difficult time regulating their emotions.
So when they feel, when they're really reactive to, let's say, a situation, and then it really, like a trigger, let's say, and then it really, it takes a really long time to calm down from that situation or that emotion. D B T really helps to help manage your emotions. Kinda like this phase one treatment to get you to cope, to get through the crisis.
And then, after that then there's the more, the trauma work. EMDR can be really helpful. And then mindfulness. Mindfulness is a part of D B T. Self, just having some compassion, self-compassion. Body somatic therapy. So connecting your body with your mind. So body mind therapy type work can be helpful.
Haley Radke: So definitely intervention with a professional.
Melissa K. Nicholson: Yes. Yes. And I think that what really helps too is having a support, like I said before, with the support network, because a lot of times adoptees feel so alone. And so having, getting around having a support group, finding a support group of other adoptees can be really helpful to decrease that feeling of isolation.
That's why, your podcast is really helpful to have that connected. Oh, I feel this way. I'm not alone. And so that can decrease those feelings of, oh my gosh, I'm not alone in this. I have somebody else who's struggling with the same thing. It's not just me. I'm not a failure as a person.
Haley Radke: Thank you so much, Melissa. That was really helpful. And I will put links to everything that you mentioned in our show notes so people can go and have a look and look for those phone numbers as well. And where can we connect with you online?
Melissa K. Nicholson: So my website is www.mkntherapy.com. I'm also on Twitter and I'm also on Facebook.
Haley Radke: Awesome. And you've got links to those on your website?
Melissa K. Nicholson: Yes, I do.
Haley Radke: Great. Thank you so much for sharing with us today and talking us through a really hard topic. I really appreciate it.
Melissa K. Nicholson: Thank you so much, Haley, for having me.
Haley Radke: I just wanna tell you a few things before we say goodbye for today. You are incredibly valuable and you have a purpose here. I may not know you in person, but can I tell you something? I love you and I want so many good things for you in your life. You're worthy of love and you're worth helping.
Melissa told you that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I wanna echo that and tell you that there's nothing so big that can't be tackled with help.
If you've considered suicide or ever have thoughts of self-harm, please reach out for help. Find a friend who listens or call one of the support numbers we've got listed for you in the show notes. You're not alone. There's a big adoptee community out here to support you. Reach out and I truly believe that you will find someone who understands what you're going through.
You can find the show notes at AdopteesOn.com, and there's also a contact page there. Feel free to send me a note if you need some ideas of where to connect with fellow adoptees, but I get terribly swamped with emails. So if you're in urgent need of support, please make that phone call first for immediate help.
Thanks so much for listening, friend. Let's talk again next Friday.
