21 Anne - Adoption Trauma Leaves a Wake
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/21
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season Two, episode 4, and I'm your host, Haley Radke.
I get to welcome Anne Heffron, author of You Don't Look Adopted, to the show. And I want to let you know we touch on some extremely sensitive topics, including suicide and sexual assaults.
We actually joke around quite a bit, but you know our hearts are for adoptees and for healing. In fact, last week's special Healing episode is all about adoptee suicide. So if you want to learn a bit more about that topic, you can find it on our website, adopteeson.com, or in your podcast app.
Anne goes deep into all kinds of things in her story today, including failures that she attributes to adoption trauma, things she's working on to find healing, what “write or die" means to her. And we find a way to laugh a lot.
We wrap up with some recommended resources, and as always, links to everything we'll talk about today are on the website, adopteeson.com. Anne is a part of our Adoptees On secret Facebook group, so stick around until the end of the show to hear how you can access that.
Alright, let's listen in. I am pleased to introduce to you Anne Heffron. Welcome to Adoptees On, Anne.
Anne Heffron: Oh, Haley, thank you. I'm so excited to be here.
Haley Radke: Me, too, I'm so ooh-la…. (See, I have no words). I'm so excited to talk to you and get to share your story with everyone. I'm excited.
Anne Heffron: You, too. You know what, I hike and I listen to your podcast when I hike. And I was devastated when you took a break. I thought that was a terrible idea.
Haley Radke:It was a terrible idea. But we're back now, so it's okay.
Anne Heffron: Yeah, don’t do... I don't vote for the break.
Haley Radke: Well, we can talk about self-care at some point in this episode.
Anne Heffron: Oh yeah, after. After you finish it.
Haley Radke: After I finish recording? Okay. Wow, I'm so glad…
You don't know this yet, because we are recording just before the first episode goes out, but… Well, you know, I plugged your book, but what I said was, “Hey, it's my #1 fan's book.”
Anne Heffron: I am your #1 fan. If anyone's bigger than me, they'd have to be a stalker. And that's not a fan anymore, that's illegal.
Haley Radke: Okay, well then I…
Anne Heffron: Your show changed my life. I mean, how can I not be a fan?
Haley Radke: I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Stop it. [laughs]
Anne Heffron: It's gonna be super short.
Haley Radke: Oh, dear. Okay, okay. Well, thank you for gushing. I love you, too. Your book was amazing. I already gushed about it before, but please, why don't you start and just share a little bit of your story with us?
Anne Heffron: I was born in New York City in 1964, and I was adopted 10 weeks later. I grew up knowing I was adopted, but it wasn't something that we really talked about in my house. I had a brother who was adopted when I was... (I was ‘64, he was ‘60. He was two…). We adopted him two years later, and now I think he was a drug baby.
He was very difficult. My mom couldn't hold him. And he still suffers. And then we adopted my second brother when he was two. His father was African American. We lived in a white town. My brother (when he came), his name was Terry, but my parents gave him the name Sam. He changed the name himself when he was in first grade.
But when Sam came to us, he didn't speak. And you know? There was no mention of trauma. No mention of where he had come from, nothing. So it wasn't until I started going seriously off track when I dropped out of college for the first time, and that's when I had the idea of looking for my birth mother.
I found a search agency in Boston. It was Susan Dark (I don't remember names, and I still remember her name). And I think it took me 15 years after first getting Susan Dark’s number, and actually doing the whole process. And when my daughter was a little girl, I got a letter with identifying information. And I got a photograph of my birth mother and she looks like me, and it was such a good feeling.
And then I did everything wrong, from that point on. I called her. She said I had the wrong person. It was like she'd been waiting by the phone. She said I had the wrong person, it wasn't her. And she gave me a whole story about how it was her cousin (or something). And I was thrown off, so I just asked her if she could write it down and send it to me.
And so she did, and then she asked me not to contact her again. And a while later, I did get a letter and it was the same story. When my daughter was little, I wrote to her one more time and I said, “I don't think you're telling me the truth. I think you're my birth mother.” And she did write back and say, “You're right, but please leave me alone.”
And I let years pass. And then I told a friend of mine about it, and she said, “Well, why don't you contact her again?” And I said, “I can't.” And she said, “Well…” Well, it's a long story, but I ended up at Borders bookstore. I looked her up. I hadn't even Googled her name or anything, and I found out where she worked. And I emailed her at work and I said— (because I had found out she had two sons)....
And I said, “I want to know, if you won't talk to me, I want to know your son's information, because I want to talk to them.” And she wrote back, she was really upset (you know, this is on Blackberry, you know, in a bookstore). And she said, “This was closed.” So I said, “I'll tell you what, I'll leave your sons alone if you tell me their story.”
And she wrote back and said, “I was date raped. You are my birth daughter. Please stop.” And I did. And it felt so good. Like I, even the… You know, rape sounds so ugly, but it made sense to me and I thought, Okay, I know. Just the knowledge felt really good. (Gosh, this story gets so long. I mean, it's like this forever process, right? Of ugh…)
I mean, I took this autobiography class and I thought I was gonna be better than everybody in the class. And I wrote my stuff, and I read it out loud to the class. And the teacher said what I'd heard 20 years later in graduate school, which is, “You have great dialogue, but you stay on the surface.” And I started bawling, because I realized I had to write about both mothers. And I never went back to that class, because I wasn't just crying. (I mean, there was snot coming outta my nose, you know, it was like big crying.)
And I went home and I Googled her, and her death certificate came up (or her death announcement). And it was recent, but it said that she had two sons and a daughter. So then I just went, I just said, I don't care what people think of me or if she gets mad, and I called her work. And she wrote a book. And so I called the person that she had written the book with (because they worked together).
And I said who I was and I said, “I want to contact her daughter.” And she said, “Well, I really don't want to be talking to you, but I know that this is her daughter's name. I'm not sure of her last name. I think it's the same, but I know she works at this magazine.” So I looked up, and I found her right away.
And so I emailed her. And I got an email back when I was on the treadmill at the chiropractor’s and it said, “You know, this is overwhelming for me. My mother died not too long ago, but I'm gonna forward this to my brother.” (And I forgot to say that the daughter, her name's Anna. And my name's Anne, and that's just a coincidence.)
And she's a writer, and I've read her stuff and her voice is so familiar, so similar. (It's also familiar.) And her brother stepped up to the plate. He came–-I was living in Palo Alto at the time, and he came to my house. And it was probably one of the three greatest moments in my life, to have this big man…
And we went and had lunch, and my daughter and my husband (at the time), and my half-brother, we and my half-brother, we went to a Chinese foot massage place. And we all lay in a row and we got massages, and we just sat around and watched TV. We had similar gestures. It was really wonderful. It was complicated—he has another brother who had no interest in meeting me.
And Anna…I did everything wrong. I mean, every time I would correspond with her, I would say the wrong thing. And she was not kind. But when I was in New York writing my book, we actually got together. And she has a daughter out of wedlock, and she invited me to her first birthday party. When I walked to the boat, I went to New Jersey, and I went to her daughter's first birthday party.
And I started getting a migraine on the way there, and I called my friend and I said, “Who do I say I am?” Right? “Because I don't know if she told her friends.” And my friend said, “You say you're Anne.” I was like, “Okay, I could do that.” But I look so much like her mom, that her friends who were there were thrown off. And it was nice to be there, but she doesn't talk to me anymore and I'm not sure...
Well, you know, I think it's: reunion is complicated. And the brother doesn't talk to me (and I'm not sure if he's ignoring me or…), but the fact that I got to meet them was tremendous. So when I was in New York writing my book, I did find my birth father, which I thought would be impossible because nobody would give me any information.
Not a thing. And what was wonderful was his wife said that I'm not family, so that he can't talk to me. But his brother has stepped up to the plate, and his brother flew me to Montana, recently. And they made space for me in their family. And he had read my book three times. And the last day, he sat me down and he said, “I want you to hear something.”
And I said, “Okay.” And he said, “I love you, and I'll never leave.” I’m a little shut down. My heart is shut down, so I hear it, but I still don't really believe it. So I have to… My brain, you know, I have to keep telling my brain, He loves you and he'll never leave. This is a real person. I actually find myself a little bit, now, wanting to push him away. So I called him two nights ago to connect, because I think it's a skill I have to… I think I'm so afraid that I don't even let myself feel.
Oh, one last thing—When I was in Montana… I always sat on the fringe of my family. Like my family would sit around the kitchen table and I would sit on the chair on the side, right? I'm not a—If you said, “Hey, do you wanna go get coffee?” I'd be like, “Uh…You mean sit around and talk?” (Actually with you, I'd probably love to do it.)
But with this family (so it was my uncle, and his son, and his son’s children, and my uncle's wife) and I sat down. They said, “Well, we have to tell you something.” And I said, “Okay...” And they said, “We're really smart, but we're gonna talk about pooping and farting.” I said, Oh my God. That's how I am! And the dialogue, it was like music.
I think in my family, I'm a little rough and a little loud, and so I didn't quite fit in. And in that family, it was seamless. And I have a lot of feelings about that, because it's Ahhh, I've already have my life, right? I'm 52, and so I can't just say, Well, this is my new life, right? I mean, I have my family. I'm trying to learn to be bigger. I mean, as an adoptee, I'm not supposed to take up a lot of space in my life, but I'm trying to learn that it's okay to be big. And it's okay to have two, (like however many) families.
I don't know how it's for you, Haley, but it's hard.
Haley Radke: It's extremely hard. This is the first experience I've had with adding another family. My adoptive parents have stayed married, my husband's parents have stayed married… I understand, families of divorce, then you've got, you know, the two sets and then they multiply and it kind of spreads out that way. And that's the only thing I could think to sort of compare it to, except it's another whole set of complete strangers (at first). You know? It's very bizarre.
Anne Heffron: But it is. Yeah, it is bizarre and it's also… I mean, on my birthday, everybody called me. Right? And so it was just…
I'm actually going to this (he's a chiropractor, but he is not really a chiropractor. I don't know what he is)... He works with a lot of the Sharks (the hockey players, not the fish). He works with Sharks and adopted people. But I went to him and I said, “I need you to work on my brain.” Right? “There's something, it's my brain and my stomach.” Right? Like, “I'm trying to…I have good things that are happening and I'm not changing. I'm still as upset as always.” And I said, “I can feel it, now that I've slowed down more, I can feel that my brain is doing…”
I'll be fine, and then all of a sudden, I will be in the worst mood, or so sad. And I didn't catch what my brain said, but it was something. And then my stomach gets sick (and my stomach's been sick my whole life). And so he did some research and he found this protocol (and the Sharks call his hippie [censored] and they'll call him for an appointment and he'll say, “What do you want?” And then they'll say, “Oh dude, I just want the hippie [censored]”).
Because it was for me, it was for the trauma. And it's applied kinesiology and it's working with the nervous system. Because I could feel it; it's my nervous system. Something happens, the chemicals flood my body, right? Like I'll think my uncle will write, and I'll be so happy. And then something will go ding!, and then all of a sudden I'll be not… I'll be in that same place where it makes me want to overeat or spend money—anything to get out of that situation.
Haley Radke: My dad and his wife were just here this weekend (my bio dad), and they were here and it was amazing and so wonderful. And then the next day, I am totally depressed.
Anne Heffron: Yeah. Isn't that awful?
Haley Radke: It's like this just withdrawal and, yeah. Yeah. I understand what you're saying.
Anne Heffron: Yeah. How did you deal with it? Like how did you…?
Haley Radke: Well, I wish I hadn't drank all the wine with them. I don't know. I have an appointment with my psychologist? I don't know. I don't deal with it.
Anne Heffron: I mean, I'm older than you are, so I think I've been feeling it for so long that it's actually wearing down my body. And so I can't, I don't manage it so well anymore.
And when my mom died (five years ago), that's when I started falling apart. And by falling apart, I mean my brain actually stopped working. I went to a doctor, I thought maybe it was hormones. And she made me get an MRI; she was afraid I had a brain tumor.
And I truly think it's adoption. I truly think that when my mom died, it was like, All my life, I've been getting in trouble and then my mom rescues me, right? And now she's dead and she can't rescue me. And no one can rescue me, but I'm still getting in trouble.
And I realized just recently, I wanna be rescued the right way. Like I wanna keep giving (especially my mom) the chance to… It's like we got rescued when we were adopted, right? But it wasn't right. No matter how loving our parents are, it wasn't the energetic track that we were born to. So there's that sense of Something's a little wrong. And I think part of my brain was like, Okay, get in financial distress, or drop out of college, and then she'll come rescue you and this time, you'll feel… If you write and say you need money, and she'll send you money. You'll feel rescued.
And I've been doing it for 52 years, and I mean, I can't believe that I can't be rescued. I still grieve that, you know? I grieve that adopted children (babies) had to have that feeling of… I was thinking about when my daughter was born (she was a little jaundiced and they put her on a light bed next to my bed). And she didn't cry when she was born and she was really mellow, but she started to cry when she was in the bed. And I looked over at her and I could– If I reached out, I could just touch her with my fingertip and she stopped crying.
And I've been thinking about that moment a lot, because I feel like when I touched her with my fingertip, I sealed her skin (like she was safe in the world). My contact, my energy is the same as her energy. And so she was separate, but she felt that energy. Because my skin doesn't feel sealed. Do you know what I mean?
I used to date a lot, because I just want to be hugged (like I wanted someone pressed up against me). But sometimes I don't like to be touched at all and I feel like a burn victim. And I feel like— (actually, the chiropractor that works on me, he was severely burned. And his skin is a project for him.) And I was thinking, I wish adopted babies came home with protocol for, “This is How You Take Care of Their Skin.” Right? Because we are not going to have the same kind of energetic seal that we need, because no matter how much they love us, it's not the planet we came from. Right?
But there must be ways—I believe... Our brains are plastic. You know? We're survivors, Like, surely…just rock us more! I want to go to Japan, because I'm sure they have something where they have a hug machine. (I actually looked it up. They do make this thing that hugs you, but I want it to be like the womb. A hug machine where you can just go in there and get rocked, and hugged, and come back out.).
Haley Radke: Sounds like you've got your next business idea. You are so funny. Okay, but let's go back. Let's just talk about… Like you're talking about lots of feelings and things. That's really, really wonderful.
Can you outline some specific things that you've dealt with that you can attribute to adoption trauma and what that looks like for you?
Anne Heffron: I got fired. I was a teacher for 17 years and I was at a new school, so I wasn't really familiar with the rules. But when my mother died, I was going through a divorce, and my daughter didn't get into a school she really wanted to get into. And I had to leave her at home, and I was afraid that… I was afraid. I had left her alone, and I didn't like that I had left her alone.
And I went into the class. It was at college. And one of the students was talking. I threw a pen at him. And I didn't just throw a pen, I said the f-word, and I started crying. I mean, and I watched myself have a breakdown. And I feel like my whole adopted self has been trying to hold itself together. And by “hold itself together,” I mean, deal with almost constant depression and be really confused by that (because I don't think I'm a depressed person).
Like I'm this really funny— (I'm not, I mean, I'm not saying I'm funny). I mean…
Haley Radke: But you are.
Anne Heffron: Yeah, but I am. And so the depression confuses me and it's constant, but I always just think, What is that? And anger. I'll get really angry out of nowhere. And confused. When my best friend growing up read my book, she said, “Oh, my brother said, ‘Oh, I thought she was a space cadet, but she was adopted.’” And it's that I think my brain is just always trying really basic questions: Where is she? Why did this happen? Where am I? Who am I?
And it's the back brain, you know, it's the emotional brain, the brain that makes decisions, and I don't even know it's doing it. So I'm living like a child, but I have an adult body. So I think things that happen because I'm adopted—I think I dropped out of school a bunch of times. I'm very smart, but I didn't do well in high school. I was thinking about, even athletically. I didn't make teams because I would like, my body would shut down. You know, I'm a body worker and there's this muscle testing where you can see if food (or anything) is good for you by testing how your muscle responds. You know, if you held a candy bar and I tested it, probably your muscle would get weak.
I think adoption makes me weak. And so I'm trying to find, how can I reprogram my brain so that I can use adoption as opportunity instead of loss? And I think we need to change the stories, that the way it's presented isn't working. (And I know I'm going off topic right now, but all of a sudden I got excited).
Haley Radke: That's okay.
Ann Heffron: But I had this idea the other day because, you know, I learned that people who adopt get tax write-offs. And I was thinking, What if, when you get adopted, they put $1,000 in your bank account for when you're 18 and $1,000 in your bank account for when you're 50? As sort of a token of appreciation for your loss?
So then when you're 18, right, you just get some cash and they're like, “I'm so sorry for your loss.” Right? But you feel good. You're like, Oh my God, I have probably… (now it's $4,000). And when you're 50, it's… And also it'll cut down adoption suicide, because they'll be thinking about the money.
Right? They're like, you know… [laughs] I mean, I want some prizes for being adopted. I think we deserve stuff. All we get is just, we get the short end of the stick.
Haley Radke: I can’t get it together! Oh my gosh. [laughs] Okay, but like cash for therapy, right? Not like cash for your midlife convertible. I don’t know...
Anne Heffron: And adoption is so expensive. If I think about all the money I have spent because I'm adopted, on therapists who didn't know anything about adoption? So they were a complete waste of time...
Haley Radke: So tell me, okay, let's stop there.
What made you realize that all of these things that are happening in your life, what made you relate that back to being adopted?
Anne Heffron: I was lying in bed and this image came to me of what it must have…(and I wasn't actively thinking about adoption. I don't know why this happened). And I just got this image of what it must have felt like for me to be born and then to not go to my birth mother.
And as soon as I got the thought, I did what I usually do, which is say, Okay, push it away. Right? Don't… But instead, I said, Okay, feel it. Right? And I gave myself permission and it shocked me because I thought, Can you imagine? You have just gone through the most traumatic thing probably you'll go through as a human (being born) and the flesh of your flesh, the thing that made you disappears.
It blew my mind. And then I talked to the guy I was dating at the time (who's a healer). And he said, “You're 50 years old. Stop talking about adoption.” And then I lost it. That's when I decided, Okay, I'm only gonna talk about adoption.
Haley Radke: So this is like just the last couple years?
Anne Heffron: This year. It's been one year. It has been—Because you know what happened? I mean, crazy things are happening. The author of The Help (this wonderful book), I met her and she said to me, “Oh, if you ever need a place to write, you could have my apartment in New York.” And I said, “Oh, that's so nice. I don't think so. Right? Like, how could I…?”
And when that guy said that to me, I wrote to her. I'm like, “Okay.” And I ended up staying there for three months. And it happened to be blocks from where my birth mother—where I was born. Because she was at NYU when I was conceived, and Kitty's apartment is two blocks from NYU (a few blocks from…).
And in three months, I wrote my book and I just wanted to get it… I mean, I went through–-I've gone through two husbands. I've been bankrupt twice. It was like nothing was working. My brain wasn't working anymore. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't. I was, as I just thought, I think it's adoption. And in my book, I thought I was being so radical by suggesting adoption was trauma.
I was like, Okay, I'm gonna write this. And then I get home and I start reading more and I realize, Oh my gosh. So now I'm working on this other book that's killing me because it's so much harder.
Haley Radke: I'm just thinking back to what you said at the beginning about your autobiography class and how like “surface” and things? Because your book is not “surface, whatsoever.
Anne Heffron: So I went to school for writing. I have tried for 30 years, I tried to write. And I didn't know how to get underneath the surface, and the problem was I couldn't talk about adoption. And adoption was everything. I just didn't know it. And so I was trying to write the other books I'd been reading, but it wasn't until I let myself write the way I think. So my book is fragmented.
Right? There's errors in it. I didn't even… People are angry at me on Amazon, because the book (it’s a rough draft). But if I didn't self-publish it, I wasn't gonna. If I edited it, I would've edited it all out. I mean, I had to just get it… I'll never do it again, because it doesn't feel good to be an English teacher and have a book full of errors.
But that, I mean, I wrote one section about—I wore the same pair of underwear for a year when I was in high school because I was too afraid to ask my mom to buy me new underwear. And I really struggled about keeping that in, because I thought, I don't want people to know this. I just… But I thought, You know what? If you wanna show what it's like to be in the brain of an adoptee, right? This is important. Because parents won't think, “Oh, my kid doesn't have enough self-esteem to ask for new underwear.” It's not even in the realm of people's thoughts. Right?
But I want people to know: being an adoptee is so unpredictable. The guy I am dating, the other day, we were talking on the phone. He said, “Well, I'm gonna let you go.” And I said, “You know, can you say it a different way? Because…” [laughs] And you know, I can make it funny, right? But I'm learning that almost everything is a trigger for me.
And that is overwhelming. I mean, I don't have a job right now. I can't—I read that people are afraid to face their adoption, because their life will fall apart. And my life has fallen apart. And so I feel like I'm on this fast track right now that either I'm gonna end up homeless (and well, my worst fear is homelessness), or I'm gonna be this successful author, teacher...
And honestly, it's like neck and neck right now. It's happening so fast and so I'm trying to—I've decided I'm gonna have faith. And because I have to believe that there's a higher power, I have to believe that I'm not in control, that there's a higher purpose, because otherwise it's too scary.
But I think my brain, half of it is adopted. And so half of it kind of wants to destroy me, like half of it— I think when you're born and you get separated from your birth mother, part of who you were kind of dies. And the worst part of me, the hardest part to live with is the part that wants to finish that off, right? And just say, Okay, let's just stop. This is too hard.
And then there's the other half of me that's, you know, a totally normal person that wants to make the best of her life. But I have been fighting myself my whole life and I think that's why I've confused my family and my friends, because they see my positive attributes. They're like, “What is your problem?” Right? ”Like, why…?”
And I think I said in my book, “It's like I have my foot on the gas and the brake at the same time.” And so I'm trying to learn How do I get my foot off the brake? Why do I have to keep punishing myself? You know, I would just like to be able to be happy and to accept myself. And that's why I'm going to Mark Lucas (that chiropractor) and I go to a life coach (Katie Prevell). You know, I'm going to Lesli Johnson, to do EMDR in L.A. I'll meet with Joyce Pavao in Boston (she's a therapist). I mean, I think it's community. I think community will save me. You. Right?
I think for adoptees, it's because: when you feel different, you isolate. And so, you know, I'm used to it. I spend a lot of time alone and I like it, but I'm not sure that I do that to protect myself? Or if that's really what I like.
So this year has been about facing the adoption and I… Boy, I hope next year I have money in the bank and I feel good about myself. [laughs] And I'll buy you a present.
Haley Radke: Yeah, that's my goal is to get some presents,
Anne Heffron: Yeah. We all like presents!
Haley Radke: I mean (to be fair), the hat I'm wearing, Carrie made me. So…
Anne Heffron: Oh, okay. Now I feel guilty. Well, I'll send you my socks. [laughs] Is that the same as knitting it?
Haley Radke: Did you wear them for a year?
Anne Heffron: [laughs] No, but I'm going to now, and then I'll send them to you.
Haley Radke: Okay.
Anne Heffron: Wear them for a year…
Haley Radke: Well, and I can create my very own Anne out of a Petri dish. Right?
Anne Heffron: You can have her.
Haley Radke: Okay. I hope I get the happy one.
Anne Heffron: Yeah, me too.
Haley Radke: Okay. So it took until you're 50 to realize there's something going on with this adoption thing. What do you say to other adoptees who (I mean, if you've listened to the show before, we use that lingo) that they're still “in the fog”?
Anne Heffron: When I was in New York writing, someone that I'd gone to high school with contacted me. And he said, (We weren't friends in high school. I mean, we weren't not friends, but…) And he said, “You know, I don't tell anyone this, but I'm adopted.” And he said, “I don't…” And so he called me, and we talked, and he said, “It's not a big deal to me, but I saw what you're doing. And I just wanted to check in and, you know, I'm really happy with my family...”
And so this was in, I think, June. And since that time, (you know, he's a guy who was not interested in adoption). Since that time, he found out who his birth mother was, and a few weeks ago he drove to South or North Carolina and met her. And she wrote me a note saying that she's been thinking about him every day for 50 years. And she thanks me.
And to me, like someone who is “in the fog,” I don't believe it. I don't believe that adoption doesn't affect them. And I think anything that you hold in hurts you. And you know, even though this year has been super rough emotionally, I feel like I still go high to low. And my lows still get pretty low, but my highs are higher and they're purer.
It's not like a sugar high. It's like an, Oh my gosh. I really love myself high. And I feel like, for people who are “in the fog,” I just think it's saying they're not affected... I mean, if they're not affected, I don't know if… Maybe people aren't affected by adoption, and that would be awesome. So I don't wanna disqualify that, but I'm highly doubtful.
Haley Radke: In your book, you talk about deciding to “write or die.”
Anne Heffron: Yeah.
Haley Radke: And so what would you challenge us to do? What should we do with those unspoken words and feelings that some of us are storing up?
Anne Heffron: Oh, I love that. Do you know what changed for me, was I went to New York and I was gonna write the book. And I get there and I'm in this beautiful apartment. I mean, the most beautiful place I've ever stayed. I still can't believe that happened.
And I was there for two weeks and I was doing the same kind of writing I'd done my whole life. And then I had this writing thing on Martha's Vineyard, so I went to Martha's Vineyard and I was stuck. And I wrote something and then I felt terrible about what I wrote. It seemed so childish and needy.
And my friend who was checking in every day (every day, I would send him my writing), and I sent him that and he said, “Well, that's it. That's your voice.” And I thought, Oh my God. Because basically what (I think I put in my book), but I was talking about: I'm afraid I don't have a story. I'm afraid I don't have anything to say. I'm afraid I'll never love somebody.
I forget, but it was all the things I had—You know, I would use humor to cover up or like beautiful sentences. But I didn't know how just to state my raw feelings without trying to make them pretty, or funny, or even… I mean, it was another reason why I leave the typos in my book, because feelings aren't neat.
And I wanna show people it doesn't have to be right or good; you just want it to be true. And so what I learned was: I finally learned how to hear my own voice. And all I had to do was get really quiet, and then just write whatever I heard. And what had happened in the past was as soon as I started hearing it, I would doubt it. Right?
Because, you know, if I said, “I hate adoption” (or something), I would hear my mother's voice, right? “You can't hate adoption.” And so then I would cross it out. But because I had three months to write and I didn't have— I got myself out of my home situation. I mean, I got to hear myself. And so in these classes that I teach, I have people do exercises that maybe they haven't done before.
Because in school, we're taught, “What am I supposed to say?” Right? “What does the teacher want me to say? What am I supposed to say to get an A?” But especially for an adoptee, if you can listen to yourself? That's an adoptee's biggest problem, is that he or she doesn't feel heard or understood. And we ignore our own feelings because we agree with everybody around us, right? Oh, I must be mental, or there must be something wrong with me. Or Adoption can't be this bad, right? I'm just a baby.
But somehow I learned to trust that voice, and then the writing was so easy. (Not easy, like—I did throw up in New York.) For my Write or Die classes, I use this picture of me on the bathroom floor. It’s this beautiful hand-laid Italian marble floor (it wasn't a bad floor to lie on). But you know, one of my biggest fears was like, If I have so many feelings, what if I throw up? And then I threw up and I was like, Ah. Look at that! Right? I didn't die. And then I just went back and I wrote.
And sometimes it would just be a sentence. Sometimes I would have to walk around the table for hours. Because I realized that for me, being an adoptee is like being a Mexican jumping bean. You know how the Mexican jumping bean has that thing that makes it move around all the time? So I had this little thing in me, this little like black seed that was so uncomfortable my whole life, that I would move around trying to get away from that discomfort.
But it was me, so I could never move around enough. And in New York, I finally had to sit down with that thing and listen to it. And what it was saying was, I am in so much pain. But the miracle was, I was in the most beautiful place. I mean, it was the perfect gift because, you know, I was in the place where she wrote The Help. (You know, which the title is no small irony). And I wish for every adoptee, if I could do the same thing… You know, I think that writing is so essential. And it's taking the time to listen to yourself and to not dismiss anything.
You know, like eating's become easier for me because I used to—I overeat daily. I need to overeat (it's just what I need to do). And I used to judge myself, but now I'm like, Eh, I'm adopted. Right? I'm just, Of course I'm hungry. Right? Like I was born, and then they give me a bottle, and the wrong person's holding it. You know? Like I'm still looking for that first good meal. And so, like a big deal. And it's so much easier. You know, so it's not that I don't have the behavior, but I don't judge myself. Because I realized it's like I had little dental tools and I was just picking at my brain all the time, right? You're bad. You do this, you're bad.
And now this wonderful adoptee, Julie Maida. She has a blog called Next Life, NO Kids. And her latest blog post is about being adopted. But she told me to read this book, I think it's called How to Be a Badass? (transcript edit - You Are a Badass?) And so I read it and it said things that I'd heard a million times before, like “Use positive affirmations.” And usually I'm like, Ugh, positive affirmations…. But I did it. And I walked around saying, “You're wonderful. You’re wonderful.”
And my brain was like, “Ahhhh, I’m wonderful.” Like my brain felt like someone was buttering it. I couldn't believe it. It makes me feel good just to say it now: I'm wonderful. Instead of, Hey, when are you gonna get your act together? Right? Like the little dental tools. My brain is so tired of me beating it up. What if we're all just wonderful?
Haley Radke: I'm so glad for you that you're able to start doing those healing things for yourself. So you said that you're going to be going to see a couple different therapists.
Anne Heffron: I know! Everybody.
Haley Radke: You're seeing everybody. Everybody.
Anne Heffron: Well, you know, my daughter's 19 and I'm hyper aware of— You know, I think about my relationship with my mom. And I just don't wanna hurt her anymore than I have with my behaviors. And so I want my brain to be good, so that when I show up for her, I'm in a good space (because I haven't always been that way). It's very painful to think about, but she seems to— She's all right.
Haley Radke: Our time is quickly evaporating.
Anne Heffron: I appreciate you. Thank you.
Haley Radke: Is there anything else that you wanna touch on before we talk about our recommended resources?
Anne Heffron: The chiropractor that I work with? He talks about that in my brain (what it is) he calls it malware. That it's like when you stub your toe, you start to limp to protect the toe. And I think of that as adoption. It's like you're adopted and you have certain behaviors to cover up the pain.
But the brain compensates, right? So the brain gets used to the limp or the brain gets used to covering up adoptive feelings. And it's this sort of an energetic shutdown. And I do believe, like for adoptees, that if we can— I'm so excited about all this research about neuroplasticity and I do believe there's hope. Yeah. Amen.
Haley Radke: Yes. Yes, there is. There is definitely healing available to us. I love what you said about the brain before, right? Just calling it plastic that– It is. It is. There's definitely things that we can do to heal ourselves.
Anne Heffron: Yeah....
You wanna do the recommended resources?
Haley Radke: I do. And I better start, because…
Anne Heffron: I cut down my grocery list. I cut it down.
Haley Radke: Okay. I was gonna say, Anne has 20 things for us, so get your pens out.
Anne Heffron: Actually, I added something.
Haley Radke: Okay. So my recommended resource today is the website Dear Adoption, and that's run by Reshma McClintock. I connected with Reshma today and she sent me her three main goals for the site.
So the first one, she wants “to provide a platform for adoptees to share and find community within her community through the sharing of stories.” The second: “to educate and provide insight to adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, and anyone that's not an adoptee.” And third, “to propel the necessary changes that are needed within adoption.”
You know, those are really beautiful goals and they're similar to mine with my podcast. And yeah, I love the variety of things that are posted there, all different perspectives: from domestic adoptees, transracial, international... It's a big mix. And there's quite a collection up there now, so I definitely recommend going to check it out. (I'm assuming you have, since you have something posted there.)
Anne Heffron: Yeah. Well I couldn't believe the work that she's put into it and how smart she is. It's…yeah, it's a wonderful site.
Haley Radke: Hmm-hmm, hmm-hmm. Definitely. And you said that she's got a documentary coming out? She was born in India, I think…?
Anne Heffron: Yeah. It's about her going back and looking for her roots.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Wonderful. We'll have to watch out for that.
Anne Heffron: Yeah.
Haley Radke: Okay. That's it. I saved all my time for yours.
Anne Heffron: Oh, you did? I'll go fast.
Haley Radkey: I'm just teasing you. No, don't fast. Just do what you would like to say.
Anne Heffron: I was thinking about— Male adoptees seemed to talk less than female adoptees. So I was thinking for them (the men in the crowd). One of the first books that I read about adoption was by Tim Green and he's a football [player]. It was written in 1997 and it was called A Man and his Mother: An Adopted Son's Search.
And then the lead singer for Run-DMC, Darryl McDaniels, did a talk on The Moth called “Angel.” I've listened to it so many times and he also…. It's about him meeting Sarah McLaughlin (the singer). And they (on YouTube) have a video. They're both adopted. They have a video of them singing “Just Like Me,” which I've watched maybe a million times?
Lori Holden, a mom who has adopted. And she has a website (lavenderluz.com) and she wrote a book called The Open-Hearted Way to Adoption. (transcript edit - Open Hearted Way to Open Adoption.) She's a wonderful spirit in the adoption world. And one of the first people who I wrote to in the adoption world, his name's Adam Pertman, and he wrote a book called Adoption Nation. And the last one that I'll say is Joyce Maguire Pavao. She is a therapist in Boston and she wrote a book called The Family of Adoption.
What I have found in this adoption world is it's about community, and everyone that I've reached out to has talked to me. So those are—That's my list.
Haley Radke: Well, that's wonderful. I will put links to all of those in the show notes.
Anne Heffron: Oh, thank you.
Haley Radke: The adoptee community is really welcoming and we've had several guests before recommend just connecting with fellow adoptees, so you don't feel alone. And that's why it's so important to share our stories. Someone's going to hear your story, Anne, and they're gonna be like, Oh my gosh, my brain doesn't work, either.
Anne Heffron: She owes me money!
Haley Radke: So I shouldn't use your real name?
Anne Heffron: No!! Let's call me Alice.
Haley Radke: Okay. Alice, how can we connect with you online?
Anne Heffron: So I don't do Twitter, because I don't understand it. But I am on Facebook (under Anne Heffron) and my email address is anneheffron@gmail.com. And I have a blog. It's anneheffron.com
Haley Radke: And you have links on your website to find copies of your book. Right?
Anne Heffron: Right. And yeah, that's on Amazon and lulu.com.
Haley Radke: Awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I so appreciate it.
Anne Heffron: You're such a wonderful interviewer. Thank you so much.
Haley Radke: I have a little update for you. Anne is now figuring out Twitter as well, so you can find her @anneheffron and I'll have links to all of her social media accounts and the recommended resources on the adopteeson.com website. Anne is one of my generous Patreon supporters, and she's a part of the secret Adoptees On Facebook group.
This private and safe space for adoptees is my way of thanking you for partnering up with Adoptees On. We've got a mix of past guests and listeners just like you, who are looking for that intimate and supportive community that Anne and I were talking about. Only myself and the other members will know you're a member and now is the perfect time to join us. Visit adopteeson.com/partner for the details.
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Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again, next Friday.
