90 [Healing Series] Adoptees Connect
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Full show notes: http://www.adopteeson.com/listen/90
Episode Transcription by Fayelle Ewuakye. Find her on Twitter at @FayelleEwuakye
This show is listener supported.
(intro music)
Haley - You’re listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I’m your host Haley Radke and this is a special episode in our Healing Series. Normally I talk to therapists about the adoptee experience on our Healing Series but today I have my friend, Pamela Karanova. And Pam and I are not therapists but we are so passionate about connecting adoptees with other adoptees. So I wanna talk to her all about her amazing organization, Adoptees Connect, which is peer led adoptee support groups.
(upbeat music)
Haley – I’m so pleased to welcome back to Adoptees On, Pamela Karanova, welcome!
Pamela – Hey, thank you so much, thanks for having me on!
Haley - I’m so excited to chat with you again. Your first episode, you were way back in season 1 and you share your story in episode 11. So I want people to go back and check that out to hear a bit of your story. But I asked you today to come and chat with us because you have started this beautiful initiative called Adoptees Connect and I would love it if you would share a little bit about that. What is Adoptees Connect, why'd you start it, why don't you start there?
Pamela - Sure, absolutely I’d love to share about it. So what Adoptees Connect is, is it’s an adoptee centric support group for adult adoptees and the original group started here in Lexington, Kentucky in my city and I came to a place, I think the end of 2017, probably October-ish where I was at a really, really, really desperate place in my adoptee journey. And I would like to say it’s life or death. Life or death place of needing some kind of support and I was at a crossroad between finding a therapist or finding some other kind of resource, but I just knew there was nothing out there for adoptees. And I had come to a place where I had been in therapy my whole entire life and adoption was never talked about. I think I started therapy around 5 years old and the whole topic of adoption was just never even mentioned. And so I knew you know, going to see a therapist I would end up having to therapy the therapist and that is what kind of took me to this breaking point of starting an adoptee centric support group. And so that’s a little bit about how Adoptees Connect started. And I decided that instead of stuff just for me and my community that I was gonna kind of send a message out there seeing if any other adoptees wanted to start an Adoptees Connect in their city, in their communities and it was, the overwhelming responses were just, still take me back that so many adoptees are searching for a safe place to share their adoptee journeys. And connecting with other adoptees in real life is such a different connection than online. Even though the online ones have been wonderful and I have cherished them all these years. But when I was in my dark season last year, I couldn’t get out of bed to get on the computer. Like I didn't have anyone in my immediate life that got what I was going through. I was experiencing all these grief and loss issues from my adoption experience and I didn't have anywhere to share them. So getting out of bed on the computer was just something that I couldn’t do. And so I was left pretty isolated and alone and I knew that there were hundreds of thousands of other adoptees out there that were feeling the same way. The other thing about Adoptees Connect is you know, we want our groups to meet once a month in real life, but we also want to build relationships with them. And you know, kind of walk life out together. And check on one another and be there for one another and listen to one another and that is the overall basis of Adoptees Connect as connecting with other people that speak the same language as you. And so far we’ve planted approximately 25 groups. And two of them in Canada, one is your group.
Haley - Yay!
Pamela - Yay! So the list is growing. It’s been really miraculous to watch. So that’s kind of the starting of it.
Haley - Yeah, it’s so amazing. I’m just, I’m so excited for you. Because it is really building and building. And now I know that you have personally been in various support groups in your life before. Adoptees Connect is peer led support. But you kind of have an expertise in this area because you’ve been going to support groups and you kind of know the drill. Do you wanna kinda talk a little bit about that?
Pamela - I would love to. Yeah, I actually before, well I’m actually those that know me, I’m in recovery. I have 6 years sobriety August 13th, 2012, over 6 years. But after that, all my adoptee issues came tumbling in when I stopped drinking alcohol and so I was searching for somewhere to share what I was going through and the emotions I was feeling. And I stumbled across Celebrate Recovery which is a Christ centered recovery ministry. And this ministry in a nutshell basically saved my life. As far as being able to have somewhere to attend every week. I ended up spending 4 years being the Women’s Chemical Dependency group leader and gained a wealth of knowledge in this experience and just grew a lot in my own recovery journey. One of the things that stands out to me about my experience in Celebrate Recovery as to why adoptees need their own space is because I remember vividly the first time I ever started sharing something about my birth mother in the small group setting. And I was just, I was very emotional and I was sobbing tears because it was the first time I had ever even said the word birth mother. An adoptive mother interrupted me and cut me off and said, you don't know adoption like I know adoption. And I just immediately shut down, I didn't say another word. And I knew at that moment that even though celebrate recovery is supposed to be a safe space, it wasn’t a safe space for me being an adoptee sharing my adoptee feelings. And so I left there that day, I ended up going back, they convinced me to go back and I’m really thankful that they did. And I’m glad that they did. And the adoptive mom apologized and you know I spent the next 4 years working on bypassing all of those little things that can stop us from sharing our voice and our story. And I started to share it anyway and it really helped me build my confidence in sharing my story and getting the experience from the small group setting. And I finally got to a point where I just felt like I had been working on the recovery thing for so long, so many years, I just wanted to kind of get off of that bandwagon and go enjoy life. So I kinda stepped down from a leadership position and then it took me into a place where I still realized I needed support, I needed adoptee support. I needed support from people that understand me and that hear me and that listen to me and that speak my language. So that is when I started to put this vision together for Adoptees Connect to be an adult adoptee support group that’s adoptee only basically for our community. So that's kind of where I got my small group experience. And I’m very thankful for that, because it’s brought me to the place I am now.
Haley – Well and as you said, I have a group here in Edmonton that’s affiliated with Adoptees Connect, and so you’ve provided myself and my co leader with training manual and we have support group guidelines and a variety of different resources to help us lead the group. And for someone like me, I have been in leadership positions before. I’ve done public speaking and facilitated different workshops and those kind of things. But not in a support group setting so I wasn’t exactly sure, what does that look like. And so with your experience of being in these other support group environments, you had an idea of like, okay, one of the rules, for example, is no crosstalk. And I was like, I don't even know what that is, never heard of it.
Pamela - Right.
Haley - But so for someone like you, like you had experience with what does a support group look like and function, how does it function well and you’ve had that negative experience with that adoptive mom shutting you down, you’ve been able to help facilitators like me understand some of the intricacies of leading a support group. Because we’re not trained therapists. This is peer led.
Pamela - Right, exactly. That’s the one thing I’ve put pretty clear in the manual about it being self-help, peer led, and it’s just kind of an open model support group where, for our group personally, we don't have anything put in place where it has to be a certain way every single time, we kind of want it to flow naturally. I know for instance of myself, I wait a whole month to be able to go to my small group and share what I’m sharing. So I have something specific that I wanna share every time that I come. And so with everything like planned out to a T, I felt like it kind of steps in the way of people being able to share organically. But the groups are set up as a self-help model and it’s just a, pop in when you can. You don't have to make a commitment to attend every one. We want you to just come as you are, you know, anytime that you can come. And yeah, so basically that’s it.
Haley - What has been the importance to you personally of being with other adoptees in person? You said before, it’s different than being online together and processing things. What’s the difference for you when you’re sitting across from somebody in real life.
Pamela - I think for me personally, you can, when an adoptee is sitting with another adoptee, like I can feel their emotions. I can feel their heartbreak or their, the thing that they celebrate because I’m too in the shoes of an adoptee. And I think it brings such a deeper level of a connection. I get like, almost euphoric when I connect with other adoptees in real life. It’s like this happiness that I can't even explain, to be able to connect with them and to be able to share journeys. And I feel like it’s just such a deeper level of a connection when you can actually reach out and touch someone, you can hug them. You can you know, go and be with them when they’re going through a hard time. You can just physically be present and walk life out together. So it was just, it’s just a whole different level of you know, a connection than what you experience on line with adoptees even though that is a different kind of connection that’s just as valuable for so many of us. But that’s for me, it’s just a deeper level of connection and one that I’ve never experienced in my whole entire life until, I’m 44 now, finally experiencing a group that I can actually say feels like home should feel. Like with where people understand me and they don't shut me down and they wanna hear me and listen and learn. I think that’s pretty much it for me as far as building that deeper level of connection. And I think a lot of adoptees have never experienced it so they don't realize what it's even like. So they don't realize what they're missing out on when they have these connections in real life. Because I didn't realize what I was missing out on and now it’s like, it’s not anything close to being any type of a burden, it’s a very big part of my life and it’s something really exciting that brings joy in more ways than I can even imagine. Just the thought of next month we’re meeting, and the next month we’re meeting, and then the next month we’re meeting and it’s like, oh my god, this is gonna go on forever, it makes me so excited that we’re all gonna be meeting. And I don't know, it ends up being just a really important part of your life. And then it also creates a dynamic where me personally, I feel like my feelings about being adopted have always been a burden to people who aren’t adopted that don't understand em. And it’s really hard to articulate the feelings to people sometimes. So what these groups are creating for me, is a safer place to share my feelings about my adoptee stuff where I don't feel so pent up and like I’m gonna explode if I don't share them and then it comes out on people who are close to me that aren’t adopted that really don't know how to respond I guess or they can't really give me what I’m needing.
Haley - Right.
Pamela - And I don't mean to, they don't mean to, but anyway, so it’s just a lot of really good dynamics to the positive aspect of these connect groups.
Haley - Now let’s go into what sort of happens at them. Now let’s, without breaking confidentiality, maybe you and I can kind of give a little bit of idea of some of the things that people might bring up in a group like this. And I'm just thinking of just generic topics, Pam, that people can see that it doesn’t have to be like, a crisis situation for you to come to support group. It could just be normal everyday life stuff that triggers us or, you know what I mean?
Pamela - Right, right.
Haley - Yeah.
Pamela - I've seen a little bit of everything come through our groups. I mean I do think that a lot of the sharing is just basic experiences of comparing experiences of who has searched and who hasn’t searched and why you searched and why you decided not to search and who has medical history and who doesn’t have medical history. And you know, just basic topics for adoptees to share with one another and then other times people will come with a crisis issue going on or really just need a place to share to just be heard and validated from other adoptees. So we’ve seen a wide scenario, we’ve seen, you know, people come and just share a positive reunion story that is more of a you know, warming uplifting type of experience. And so it’s been a big variety, but like you said, it doesn’t have to be just something that is a crisis situation. It’s more about building the relationships and showing up and just you know, getting to know one another and sharing experiences.
Haley - Yeah. It’s similar in our group. I mean, sometimes people are just sharing what’s going on in their life. It’s not necessarily even adoption related. But those themes just kind of happen to come out.
Pamela - Right, right. Exactly yeah. I agree.
Haley - That’s a good picture of what some of the things are that have been talked about. Now there are a variety of different people who are facilitators. So we have, there’s a couple that are therapists but when they’re leading, they’re in a peer role. They don't have their therapist hat on. And the sizes of groups are a big range too. So do you wanna talk about that a bit?
Pamela - You said the sizes as far as the groups?
Haley - Yeah, like sometimes it’s just me and my co leader.
Pamela - Right, right. Yes, no, I totally would love to touch on that. Because I think that there have been a few times that some of our facilitators have gotten discouraged and upset and I have honestly I’ve been, January will be a year since I launched my group. And there have been numerous times where it’s just been me and one other attendee. And I like to just encourage them to not give up hope on the group growing. But at the same time, really sit back and be able to cherish the one on one time that you have with that adoptee, because you can really talk and build such a deeper connection with them and it really, truly is a gift to be able to have that one on one time. And I look at, I’ve been so thankful for the one on one time that I’ve had with each of my attendees that I know that we’re gonna grow and we are growing. But we’re not always gonna have that. And so, some of the groups have had, I mean, I don't know, like in the teens show up for the first one, I can’t remember the exact numbers. But some of them have, you know, two, three, four people show up. I like to say the smaller size groups are more intimate and you can build closer relationships than in the bigger ones, it’s a little bit harder to do that. But they still serve such a wonderful purpose in their own way. So yeah, there’s all different varieties. But I just say you know, if you’re by yourself and you don't know any other adoptees in the area, and you’re interested in even starting a group, even one other person. If you know one other person that would be interested in meeting, it’s the connection, that’s all you need is one other person.
Haley - That’s right! Yeah, so if people are interested in starting an Adoptees Connect in their area, well first of all, where we can find out where the groups are already planted and started? And then how can somebody go about starting a group if they don't already have one in their area.
Pamela - Yeah, so you would just go to adopteesconnect.com and then we have one of the tabs that is listed, Group Locations. And under that tab you’ll see all of the contact information for the groups and the facilitators that are currently having groups around. And then there is another tab that says, Starting a New Group. And just click on that tab and enter your information and we will basically correspond through email, through some various emails. It’s a little bit of a process, it’s not an overnight thing, but that is the way to get started. And we have quite a few, like as you mentioned, quite a few resources in play for new facilitators and people that are interested as far as a secret group on Facebook where all the facilitators can gather and share files and information. And it’s just a safe place for facilitators to really have a lifeline if they need any help or have any questions. And then we have the manual like you said and there’s quite a few other things that we have in play for getting someone on board to facilitate a group. So I guess I would say start by looking at the website to make sure there’s not already a group in your location. And then go to a Starting a Group tab and there’s also quite a bit of information on the website and other tabs about the group guidelines and the FAQs and testimonials, ways to volunteer and different things like that. There’s a wealth of information on the website. So that’s where I would say the starting point would be.
Haley – Definitely, now I did not ask you ahead of time if I could ask you this, but, do you wanna just talk a little bit, I don't know, you're 501(c)(3) now! That’s exciting!
Pamela - Yes! I would love to touch on that! That was actually a really big decision that I prayed about it, I’m a prayer person. I got some guidance from some of my friends that I’m really close to and really thought it out thoroughly. And I had no idea in a year that we were going to have 25 groups planted and in doing that, it has created quite a workload on top of my already workload. But I’ve actually, it’s not a bad thing, it’s a really good thing. But it’s also something that I had to make a decision and moving forward that I either had to throw in the towel on this because it’s just getting to be so much as far as the timewise of it and the work that’s put into it that it felt like I couldn’t do it the way that I wanted to do it with everything moving so fast. Or I could go the route of setting up a nonprofit and applying for the 501(c)(3) status and hopefully keep this vision alive moving forward. Because we don't wanna stop. Like, the thing with Adoptees Connect is I don't wanna stop and say hey, we’ve got enough groups I just want us to keep growing. But in order to do that, I can’t do it all by myself. And so I did make the decision to make it a nonprofit 501(c)(3) so hopefully in the next little bit of time, we will be moving along with getting some help to be able to make things move a lot smoother as they grow. And so it’s a really exciting time, you know it also makes it possible so if people want to make donations to Adoptees Connect, to be able to help us bring this mission forward. Obviously, tax deductible. And it just opened a whole new window of being able to keep this thing growing and moving and the vision alive so yeah, it’s really been pretty exciting. I’ve got 100% support so far. So that’s awesome. I appreciate everybody that’s supported this far.
Haley - Yes, yes. So if you want to, if people wanna donate they can do that at adopteesconnect.com.
Pamela - Yes ma’am. And they can do it on the Facebook page as well. I’ve got it set up there now where people can do fundraisers like for their birthdays or whatever the case may be as far as the fundraiser goes. But people can set up their own private fundraiser to raise funds for Adoptees Connect’s vision and then also through the website as well.
Haley - That’s awesome. Cool. I didn't know you could do that. That’s great.
Pamela - I know it’s so cool.
Haley - Well thanks so much for sharing, is there anything else that I didn't ask you about that you wanna make sure that you know about that about Adoptees Connect?
Pamela – I don't really think so, other than you know, we can all have so many fears about navigating waters like this, like we don't have it all together or we have too much going on or we have too many issues to be able to do something like this. And I would just like to encourage adoptees to just step out of the boat and really think about creating their own safe space in their community, not just for themselves but for their fellow adoptees because it’s overdue for all of us and we really, really, really need it. And you know, that’s basically it. Just encourage them along the way.
Haley - Well and you know, I often think about this. If there’s someone else out there, going through what I’m going through, I mean how I can reach out to them? How can I find them? How can we support each other through the good times and the bad times?
Pamela - Right, right.
Haley - I don't know about you, but you know, the friends I have in my life sometimes get a little bit tired of the adoption talk.
Pamela - Exactly!
Haley - And other adoptees they don't. They get it.
Pamela - I know. No, I’m right with you 100%. That’s exactly why I said, I feel like it’s created less of a burden on my immediate family and friends that aren’t adopted, because I can take my adoptees stuff and save it for my group and for the relationships. And I meet my adoptees in my group as much as possible through the week too. So we don't just meet once a month. Like we do go to dinner together, go to lunch together, go to walk together, go to concerts together, you know? So it’s just really changed everything about the dynamics about having friendships that are ones that you can truly connect with. So yeah.
Haley - That’s fantastic. Thanks so much, and one more time, where can we connect with you online?
Pamela - You can look me up by my Facebook, Pamela Karanova. I do my blogging at adopteeinrecovery.com and then I think I’m on Instagram as, under Pamela Karanova as well. So I’m pretty much able to be found.
Haley – You’re everywhere. And all the resources that we talked about, the links to all of the different locations for Adoptees Connect, a link to donate, or a link to, if you’re interested in starting a group in your area, are all on adopteesconnect.com.
Pamela - Yes ma’am.
Haley - Wonderful, thanks so much. So good to talk with you.
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Haley - If you would like to stay informed and up to date with what’s happening with Adoptees On, please come over to adopteeson.com/connect, you can find links to all of our social media profiles there. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, @adopteeson, you can find us any of those places. And there’s also a sign up for our Adoptees On newsletter which I try to write monthly. And I don't always succeed, so no worries, there’s not gonna be spam in your mailbox. And I’d love to connect with you there. Wanna say a big thank you to my Patreon supporters if you wanna support the show monthly and keep the work of Adoptees On going, go to adopteeson.com/partner to find out how you can partner with me. Next Friday we kick off a brand new series, where we’re gonna be talking about adoptees and addiction. Thanks for listening, let’s talk again next Friday.
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