40 Ridghaus - Am I Adopted?
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/40
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season 3, episode 1: Ridghaus. I'm your host, Haley Radke.
Welcome to Season 3 of Adoptees On. This season, I will be introducing you to some extraordinary people. And while we listen to their stories and experiences of being adopted, I invite you to consider an ongoing thread that will be weaving through these episodes: healing and creativity.
This is Part 1 of a special two-part premiere, so you're going to meet Ridghaus today and next week, Derek Frank. You may have seen one of their incredible videos entitled “Six Word Adoption Memoirs," where Ridg and Derek ask, “If you had six words to tell your adoption story, what six words would you choose?”
We'll get to talk about that next week when I chat with Ridg and Derek together. So make sure you're subscribed to the show in your favorite pod catcher like Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, and you'll get next week's episode automatically. So easy.
Today, Ridg shares his story and I'm not spoiling anything by telling you, one: Go get your Kleenex right now. And two: I was hanging off every single word that he said. Let's listen in.
I'm so pleased to welcome Ridghaus to Adoptees On. Welcome, Ridg. How are you?
Ridghaus: Thank you, Haley. I'm good.
Haley Radke: Awesome. I'm so excited to talk to you because I've followed your work for quite awhile, and so I'd love it if you would just share with us your story.
Ridghaus: You know, I never quite know where to start the story, because there are two distinct moments in time. I tend to think about when I was 19, because I was engaged to a girl and we broke up. And after we broke up, she called me to tell me that she was pregnant. You know, obviously, it was an unexpected thing for us. We tried to get back together.
There were still too many hurt feelings and we ended up not–-I mean, the relationship just didn't work out. And so we talked about, what kind of home do we want our child to grow up in? (Because both of us had come from dysfunctional families.) And she had a friend who reached out to her and said, “You know, maybe you wanna consider adoption.”
And so we did. And we actually had an open adoption that stayed open and, you know, we were able to be a part of Zach's life from childhood all the way through adulthood. You know, now he's got his own career living on his own in another state. Despite the hurt, the trauma of it, we both had as positive and experienced as you could have.
And then I turn 35. Zach is 16 at that point he invites me and his birth mother Rebecca to Thanksgiving dinner with his family, and kind of their extended family. And it was the first time that Rebecca, me, Zach, Colleen had all been together since he was born. And so I remember sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table, just kind of looking around. (By this point I have five other children. Three of them are with me, and Rebecca has taken in a foster, in-family adoption.) It was just one of those things where I'm like, Wow, I never would've thought about my life moving to this moment right here, where I can see Zach. And the relationship with Rebecca didn't work out, but I've got these other children... And, you know, it was good.
And a month after that, I get a letter from the state of Kansas (where I live)that said, “Please contact us. We have information that may be of interest.” And so this was just after Christmas. So I called them and I said, you know, “Hey, this is me. You said you had information.” They double checked everything, and they said, “Well, we've received a letter from the birth mother and she wants to be in touch with you.”
Of course immediately, I think of that Thanksgiving and I'm like… Well, Zach's birth mother was sitting right across from me. You know, we haven't been in touch. We've been able to communicate when we’ve had to over the years, but we haven't really been in touch with each other. And so I get this really just odd sensation, like, Why would this happen now?
And so I talked to the social worker further and confirm, she is who she says she is. And she needs to check a couple of other things about my family history. And once we clear that up (her name was Tina). Tina says, “So would you like to be in touch with your birth mother?” And I said, “Oh wait— You mean Zach's birth mother, right?” She said, “No, I mean, your birth mother.” And I said, “But I'm not—I'm not adopted.” And she said, “I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry, but I don't think that I should be the first person to tell you this. You're adopted.”
And I immediately burst into tears. I asked her if she could call me back in a few minutes, or if I could call her back, because I just really needed to compose myself. So here I was, a 35-year-old man, one son that I had relinquished into adoption, five other kids. And for the first time in my life, I was finding out that I was adopted.
And then I had two simultaneous thoughts. One of them was, Nobody ever told me. And then the other one was, Yeah, of course. I'm adopted. It all makes sense now.
Haley Radke: What made sense for you?
Ridghaus: I wasn't like anyone at all in my family. You know, my adoptive parents were… They did their best. I mean, they tried their hardest, but they both barely made it through high school. And I was doing high school work, you know, when I was in fifth grade.
I was blue-eyed, red hair. They were both hazel and brown eyes with black hair. And despite being fascinated by science, and genetics, and all that stuff, I never took Mendel's formulas and applied them to my own life. You know, suddenly I was like, There's this other set of parents out there in the world who, you know, maybe they look like me. Maybe they're creative and you know, they like to read, and…
It was obviously a shock. But, you know, then I started to live, you know, later, (in what I would read about, that kind of adoptees go through). You know, the, I'm a prince, you know. Or, I'm royalty, and these other people are out there. So that was what made sense. What made sense to me was that I wasn't like them at all. And I always felt out of place. I always felt odd, and I never understood why.
Haley Radke: What happens next? Do you call her back? Tina?
Ridghaus: Yeah. So I collect myself. I kind of get the—I get the tears out.
Haley Radke: Like I can't even picture that. I'm sorry. I'm just like, I can't even.
Ridghaus: Yeah. It was just like a rock dropped on me from out of the sky, just totally unexpected. And it felt burdensome. Like this knowledge now felt burdensome to me. So the first thing that I did was I called my adoptive parents (you know, now I say adoptive parents). Then, I'm like, you know, If somebody knows the truth to this, it's gonna be my folks.
And so I called. And I had been—really I had been estranged from them for a while. We were unlike each other. They had different life goals than I did. I took a period of time where I stopped calling (like I was the one who would call and kind of check in every week, and stop by the house and see how they were). And I took about two years where I stopped doing that, and I never heard from them. They didn't call. They didn't check in.
And so I felt like I wasn't as important to them as they had been for me. So we had been in kind of this rocky place already, but I had seen my dad more recently and more often than my mom. So I called her house and my mom answers. And I said, you know, “Hey, I wanna talk to dad.” And she said, “He's doing laundry. What do you need?” I said, “Well, I just have a quick question. Am I adopted?” And she comes back with. “Well, you were born at this hospital, by this doctor. This was your birth weight, on this day…”
So she gave me a bunch of facts, which wasn't really what I asked for. And then she said, “Well, you know, who would say something like this to you?” And I said, “Funny that you should ask. It happens to be the state of Kansas. They're under the impression that I'm adopted.” And she said “Well, no. That's just crazy.” I said, “Okay, when you see dad, have him give me a call.” And then we hung up.
So I called Tina back right after that, and she was actually still reeling from being the first person to tell me. Because I was the first adoptee that she'd spoken with who didn't already know that they were adopted.
Haley Radke: Right.
Ridghaus: So then she's, “Hey, can I call you back in a few minutes? You know, I'm still kind of processing this.” I'm like, “Sure. You know, I've waited 35 years. You know? What's another 20 minutes or so?” So she didn't really take that long. She called me back a couple of minutes later. And, you know, mentally, I was like, “Listen, you know, your question was, ‘Do I wanna be in touch with my birth mother?’ And the answer is yes. I do. Whatever information you have, give it to me.”
So she said that she would send me a form that would release all of my records, but that she could send me both the form and the request for contact in the same envelope. (And so this was a Monday that we were talking.) And I checked the mail, like I watched for the mail carrier to arrive, hurried down to a mailbox to check, you know, Did it come today?
So I lived that life of that adolescent adoptee, you know, who fantasizes, Well, maybe my parents are in academia. Maybe they're in film. And then you start to think, Oh, well? You know, I kind of do have Tom Petty's nose. Maybe I'm related to Tom Petty, or something like that. And then on Friday, the mail arrived. And I hurried down to the mailbox, and picked it up on my way back.
You know, of course there's this manila envelope from the state. I open it up before I step into the house. I walk in the house, I pull out this pile of papers, and on the top is a photocopy of— (It looked like a 5x7, you know). And there was this woman's cursive handwriting and it said, “I'm trying to find Baby Boy (Kyle?). I would like to know how he is. Please reach out if you ever wanna talk or if you need anything.” And then it was signed, Barbara. And it had an address and a telephone number.
And it was one of those moments in my life where I just don't quite remember where the telephone came from, but suddenly it was in my hand. You know, like I was barely finished reading this photocopy, and I looked down at my left hand and there's the phone.
And so immediately, I dialed the number. Woman answers, and I said, “I'm trying to reach Barbara.” She says, “This is she.” I said, “Well, my name is Andrew.” (Obviously I wasn't Ridg, then.) I said, “My name is Andrew. And really, I don't know what to say next.” That was it. I wanted to call, I wanted to say my name, hear her voice. And I was done with plans at that point. Like I had nothing else.
So I hear her take in breath (you know, on the other side of the phone), and I imagined that she was probably sitting down. And it's funny for me to talk to her now because she remembers this moment differently than I do. She says, “Well, do you still live in Kansas?” And just like when, you know, Tina said, “You're adopted.” When she said, “Do you still live in Kansas?”
There was something about her voice. There was something about—there's like a space in time where I'm like, I know that voice. There's this comfort that immediately just came over me and I knew, Yeah, this is it. Despite what my adoptive parents were saying, (you know, that I wasn't adopted). I was. And this woman here is my mother,
Haley Radke: Like, what does that do to your headspace? Thirty-five years of living a lie? I don't understand. How would you phrase that? What does that do to your mind?
Ridghaus: You know, just like the initial shock of finding out that I'm adopted, there was this, Oh, of course I'm adopted. And, Oh my God, what a betrayal. Hearing her voice was at once both comforting, as well as completely debilitating. Because all the things that I thought that I had known, I had to revisit and see if they were actually known, if they had substance.
And so honestly, over the next two years, (if I were to put this into some concrete terms), my Lincoln Logs all got knocked down. Right? This house, you know, the little fence, all of those little things that come with the Lincoln Logs. Everything got taken down, to just rubble.
And then I just worked at investigating every memory, you know, like the little Lincoln Logs. Like I picked each one up and I said, Oh, does this have… You know, is this of substance? Is this true? And I just started to rebuild it. And it really took two years before I landed in a place feeling, you know, like I had rebuilt something.
I really wanted to push “pause" on every single part of my life. I didn't want my kids to grow any more. I didn't wanna have to finish my master's thesis. I didn't wanna have to see anybody. I really just wanted to have time to dedicate to this. The world didn't stop in between all of the other events. And that's what I was doing. Like my mind was just constantly working at analyzing every childhood memory and seeing what was still true.
Haley Radke: Hmm. Did you grow up with siblings?
Ridghaus: Yeah. I had a sister who was five years younger. And to kind of go back to the phone call with Tina, once we conducted our business, I said, “Tina, I should ask, you know, I have a younger sister. I don't know if she is their natural child or not.” And Tina said, “You know, of course, I can't talk to you about another person's information.” And I said, “I know. I was just kind of thinking aloud.” And she said, “You should have her call us.” I'm like, “Okay.” I hope Tina doesn't get in trouble.
Haley Radke: Should I bleep out her name?
Ridghaus: That would be funny. She's now in the Witness Protection Program.
You know, so she didn't reveal anything except to say that, you know, my sister should reach out, to just verify her identity. And then she never did. About a year, maybe a year-and-a-half after I discovered, she found a letter that had been written between my adoptive mother and her own mother (my adoptive mother's mother), talking about adopting my sister.
Haley Radke: So you were both adopted and they didn't tell either of you?
Ridghaus: We were both adopted, yeah. But she was a lot more like them, you know? Dark hair, dark eyes. She was interested in the things that they were interested in. You know, I grew up watching Notre Dame football, listening to classical music. You know, I liked opera, I liked to read.
My adoptive parents were Nascar, cheap beer, and rotgut whiskey. We were just different, you know? And my sister was more like them.
Haley Radke: She felt like she fit, so she didn't necessarily need to… Yeah.
Ridghaus: And it was funny, like at the time I didn't know about the narratives. I didn't know about the “good adoptee.” I didn't know about the “bad adoptee.” You know, like I didn't know about those things, because we weren't raised adopted. But she was the “good adoptee.”
Haley Radke: So let's go back to— We've got these two years where you are just sifting through your life and figuring out what's real. Am I remembering things correctly? And then you also have this son, Zach, that you relinquished. How does that kind of play into this?
Ridghaus: You know, I reached out to Zach pretty quickly, because that was part of what I investigated, too. What did I do? You know? And he and I had some pretty significant conversations around this. And Zach has his own story, you know?
I only mentioned his adoptive mother because at that point of his life, his adoptive father had left the family. So it was just her raising Zach and his younger sister. And that's Zach's story. So about the time that I kind of emerged from, you know, this analysis and kind of contemplative restfulness, and started to figure out, Okay, here are the things that I can stand on. Here are the truths of my life.
Zach was graduating from high school. And so I took Zach… I went to his graduation, of course. We spent a few days with his adoptive family, and Rebecca (his birth mother) came and we had three or four days all together with Zach at his graduation. And then Zach and my other two oldest sons hopped in a car and drove to Seattle to meet my birth father, his mother and father, as well as his sister. (So these would've been Zach's great-grandparents, and grandfather, and aunt.) And so we basically road tripped, you know, camped in a couple of places. We lost the poles to one of our tents.
And so all four of us, we're in Idaho. It's freezing because, you know, it's May, but we're at elevation, so it's freezing outside. But we're in this two person tent, all four of us. And we're laying like mackerels, you know, head to toe. And we have to open the tent in the middle of the night because we're just generating so much body heat that we're welcoming this freezing air.
We had these really interesting moments on the way out. And it was a good time for Zach to spend time with Drew and Ethan. And then we get there and we spend three days with my birth father Ben and his family. So we took a four-generation picture, and then Zach has to be back in Colorado for his job. And so we drive straight back from Seattle. And you know, it was just a memorable time.
And so it was maybe another year-and-a-half/two years later that I was reading some— Of course, I was reading Primal Wound, reading some of Ron Nydam’s stuff. And I come across this statement in Ron Nydam’s book Adoptees Come of Age, where he is talking about how we are continually recreating the situation of our relinquishment. And I started to think about Zach and, you know, me relinquishing, having been relinquished (even though I didn't— I only knew that in a pre-verbal kind of sense).
And I just called Zach and I'm like, “Listen, I wanna let you know something.” I said, “I made a mistake. Rebecca and I didn't work out. And I have nothing against your adoptive parents, but I shouldn't have let go of you. I know what Ben has meant to me. I know what meeting Barbara and knowing those relationships, those have been formative. Those have been significant.” And I said, “If I ever had to make that decision again, I wouldn't. Okay? I would rather be in poverty and with you than ever give you up again.”
And he said, “You know, I didn't know the words to that question. But I've always wondered it.” And I just said, “Never again.” It doesn't change what happened, who he is, and we still have a— I mean, we're still in contact and communicate, and have relationship with each other, but it would've been different.
Haley Radke: You know, just as an adoptee, hearing those words, you know, that you're just— You're wanted, right?
Ridghaus: Yeah.
Haley Radke: He can just know that. I can't. I just cannot get through anything without crying, apparently.
Ridghaus: Well, these— We're talking about core things, preverbal. I mean, they, yeah... Yeah. Thinking about Zach, I mean, that was a big part of just my own journey.
Haley Radke: Mm-hmm. Can you share a little bit more about Barbara and Ben, and connecting with them? And sort of how that happened?
Ridghaus: Yeah, so Barbara was immediately receptive and we spent about three months on the phone. Like that first day, we probably spoke for six to eight hours. Just a free, kind of natural connection. And, you know, my kids were in three different schools, so one came home at 3 (or 2:30, or whatever). So I'd hang up the phone, make sure they get settled, get them a snack or whatever, and then call her back. And then an hour later, and then somebody else would come home, and I'd get off the phone and do all that again. And then we probably spent another, you know, two or three hours after those three interruptions.
[laughs] One of the things— I had just watched a TV show where an adoptee had been contacted by his birth father. And his birth father was like, “We never got to go fishing. We never got to do these things, you know?” And then over a period of a few weeks, the birth father tells the adoptee, “Son, I'm dying. I need a kidney, and your blood type is my blood type.” And so the son agrees to give the father the kidney. And then the birth father disappears.
So this is on my mind, like I've just seen this on a TV show. So, you know, within the first week of conversation with Barbara, I said, “Soooo, why now? You know, I'm 35 years old. Why now?” I said, “Are you sick? Do you need a kidney?” [laughs] She's like, “No. No” She said, “Actually I thought I would hear from you when you were 21.”
And when she tells this story now (like when we talk about it now), she says, “I was thinking to myself, Well I sure know who I can't come to if I need a heart...” [laughs] But that's— It's just something we laugh about. Because you know, it was a legitimate question. Not, Did she really need a kidney, but, Why now? I mean I was willing to…
Haley Radke: No, I know. It's just so funny, right? But we do think about those things in the back of your mind. Like, What is…?
Ridghaus: But I felt the freedom to ask her those things. You know, and like our relationship has been very open. So what she said was she thought she would hear from me when I was 21, and then she didn't. And then she didn't want to intrude on my life, and so she waited until I was 22, and then 24. And then by the time I turned 25, she thought, Either he hates me, or he's dead. And I have to know, I just have to know.
And so she was living in another state and so she had to go through the forms and get them notarized, and filed with the right departments. And it just took a period of time. So she had actually finished the form when I was 32, and it was about to expire. Like it had another three or four months before that form was going to expire, and she would have to fill out a new one if she wanted to maintain an open registry with the state (when they got ahold of me).
She said that was it, that she'd always wondered. That she never passed my birthday without sending off balloons, or having some quiet time, or just pulling some friends together for support. But that she'd always wanted to know where I was, and how I was doing.
Haley Radke: I wanna just pause there. When you're talking to her and you tell her, “I didn't know I was adopted.” What was her reaction to that?
Ridghaus: I don't think she ever judged them. Like she never said, “That's ridiculous.” What she said was, “I couldn't imagine that you wouldn't have known.” And that was about the extent of her response to that.
One of the ways that I wasn't open with Barbara (initially) was, you know, she would ask about childhood. And being raised in a home with two daily alcoholics has challenges. And I didn't wanna talk about what childhood was like.
Haley Radke: Why do you think we do that, Ridg? Like hide those ugly things from original parents?
Ridghaus: I could already see that she suffered from the relinquishment. I didn't want to add to the suffering, you know, by saying, “Yeah, not only did you relinquish me. But they were kind of **** parents.”
Haley Radke: Yeah. Yeah.
Ridghaus: After about the tenth time I heard what a good job my parents did in raising me. (You know, and this was over a two-year period of time, when I was sorting through all this stuff.) One day I just had to stop her and my paternal grandmother Marge, and I said, “Listen, I don't wanna talk about my childhood. But it wasn't easy. And it's something that I survived. And I'm the person that I am not because of the way that they raised me, but in spite of their parenting. And I really don't wanna talk about it.”
And at that point, I hadn't even spoken about it with my kids, or my wife, or anybody. They knew that I had left home at 16 and that was it. So it was one of those things that actually facilitated some healing (for me), to finally to begin to talk about some of those things.
Then, on the other hand, you know, Barbara was a nurse, she worked for a law firm as a medical malpractice consultant. She had taught English in Italy. She and her husband had a winery. So, you know, a very kind of vibrant, world-traveled life.
Haley Radke: Did they have other kids?
Ridghaus: Yeah. She has another son who was about the same age as my sister, growing up. His name was Liam. Different father, same mother. And you know, Liam and I have been able to connect. And we went to Ireland a few years ago and walked through the country and saw U2. Just had a really good time together. So that's been a good relationship.
Ben, his dad was an engineer for Boeing. Ben is a landscape designer/architect, builds houses, and makes wine. He also has a winery. So, it was peculiar for me to land in this creative, artistic… (I don't wanna say tasteful, you know…). But I mean, these are people that they appreciate food and wine. I mean, they weren't gluttonous, but they wanted to savor these moments of life, which is just a lot different than what I grew up with, so...
Ben is ambidextrous (like me). And there was a day where Ben and I were working on a house together, and I watched him switch from right to left hand with this power tool. And I thought, That's it. That's where that comes from. And at the same moment, I remembered: I was probably 11/12, and I was playing basketball or throwing a football or something. And my adoptive father said, “How do you do that?” And I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm like, “What?” He said, “Well, you're using both of your hands equally. How do you do that?” I said, “I don't know. Doesn't everybody?”
So on both sides of the family, you know, Barbara's redheaded, Ben has this very lean, lithe figure that I had for… (well, until I got married). So I finally started to see myself in the world, from somebody who had come before. And that, too, was healing.
Haley Radke: I'm so glad that you had all these positive things come out of this.
Okay, so you said when you called Barbara, you said, “It's Andrew calling.” And now you have a new name, so I wanna hear all about this.
Ridghaus: Probably six years ago— Oh, no, it probably would've been ‘08, maybe? It was a little while ago. We'd been three or four years into reunion with both sides of the family. And I was talking with Barbara one day. Somehow I got into my mind, I wonder if she would ever want to adopt me. And at this point, both of my adoptive parents were alive. And so she and I talked about this. And she was overly enthusiastic, like just, you know, “Absolutely.”
And for me, I thought… I began to think of it in terms of, you know, life coming full circle. There's a redemption in the beginning coming back to the ending, you know? And having a new beginning. Almost three years ago, my adoptive father passed, and last fall, my adoptive mother passed.
And I had a weekend after the funeral, where I was just kind of thinking about my own mortality, my kids… And the question that I had asked Barbara eight years before came back to mind: Would she want to adopt me? And so I called her and I said, “Here's what's happened. Would you want to adopt me?” And without hesitation, she said, “Yes.”
And so over the next few months, she and I began to plan out an adoption ceremony, because there are a few states in the U.S. that permit adult adoption. And Washington, where she lives, is one of them. And so we planned a trip where I would be in Washington State for my birthday this year, and we would go to a court and have my adoption by my birth mother finalized. So that's what we did.
And the attorney said, “Do you wanna change your name?” And I said, “Yeah, that's something I've thought about, but I can do it later.” She said, “Well, it's free right now. You know, if it's part of our paperwork, there's no expense.” I'm like, “Oh. Okay.” And so I took part of my birth father's last name (Ridg), and I took a form of my birth mother's last name (Haus), and I blended them together. Because I feel like I'm the start of those two lines.
And so that's where I get my name from now, which is Ridghaus. The name that I was born with had lost meaning (you know, aside from it was a recognizable name that many people knew me by). The significance of the name had been lost for a long, long time, so it was just a name. And so, in forging this new identity (Ridghaus), I felt like I'm able to establish something for my kids, that they're born of this new line. And so I've talked to them, you know, if any of them want to change their name, I'll get the paperwork passed through.
I think all of them are on board. That's the new name. This summer, I was unadopted, you know? Being adopted by my birth mother, I felt like it was an un-adoption. And I took on the names of my birth families: Ridghaus.
Haley Radke: Through this whole story, you just sound so grounded. You know, you talked about these two years of putting your pieces together. And talking about how you are the person you are, in spite of your childhood. And all of these beautiful things that you really were passed genetically—the creativity, and the different love for life, and things that you have gotten from your original parents.
Can you talk a little bit about that? How have you found healing in this? And how do you stay so grounded? You just sound like you're really in touch with all of these feelings and things, whereas, some of us are just like—we just feel like a disaster all the time.
Ridghaus: You know, that's not to say that I don't feel on the verge of disaster at various moments, but I do feel like I've been able to dig my feet down into the ground and find a place where there's stability. You know, and that comes through several things. One, I've got a great tribe around me in the adoptive community. One of the first people that I met who, you know, was open and vocal, is a trauma sensitive yoga practitioner trainer, Cathy Koley. And knowing Cathy, I met Brian Stanton, and Desiree Stephens, and April Dinwoodie, and Aaron Seedy, and Derek Frank, (who became my partner on this film stuff).
So, I have a group of people around me who have absolutely no tolerance for BS. They are happy to call me out when they feel like I'm being anything but true. And we have that rapport with each other. And, you know, we stay in touch. We check in. And so, one of those elements has been that rootedness with just a fantastic tribe.
My kids are amazing. And for all the mistakes that I feel like I made in raising them, they have become just beautiful, kind adults, and the kinds of people that I want to continually have around myself. And again, there is just no— I just don't lie to them, and I don't let them lie to me. (Like we just have a very honest relationship.)
There are times when me and Ben, or me and Barbara haven't seen eye to eye and they'll be like, “Hey,” you know, “What's going on there?” I'm like, you know, “We haven't spoken for a while.” (They kind of made me mad, or I think I stepped on their toes, or whatever.) And we just need a little bit of time to sort that out.
But I'd say one of the other things that helped me get into just a groundedness (and this coincided)... Like I found out that I was adopted at the same time that I got invited to write a book about spiritual formation activities (so things like rest, and meditation, and fasting). And so for that two years that I was rebuilding, I was also going through these spiritual formation exercises. Some didn't fit me, you know, but I would still practice them every three or four months.
Some very much so. And then they really helped to establish a strong relationship with my kids. Like one of the things that we do, is we observe Sabbath Friday night to Saturday night. And then what that means is, we have to make sure that dinner's ready, and we kind of clear everything else off the schedule. It gets harder as they get older, because you know, they've got a job, or they're working on Friday night, or they wanna see a boyfriend or a girlfriend (or whatever).
But for years, we've maintained a Sabbath of... “This is our rest,” you know? And we're just gonna spend time together, and we're gonna appreciate each other. And it's one day of the week where the world does not stop turning. Like it keeps going, even though I'm resting, which tells me while I contribute important things, I don't make the world go around. And so I just get a good sense of: I participate with this other community, but the world keeps spinning. So, exercises like that have been very helpful.
And then finally, just to kind of top it off, I started working with a body therapist, who put me into breathing exercises and got me to talk about some of that trauma that I went through, and just breathe through it. She's been fantastic.
So I'd probably say those four things: my tribe, my kids, the spiritual exercise book that I was a part of, and then having a really good body therapist to work with.
Haley Radke: Those are so helpful. I'd love to shift and talk a little bit about creativity, and how we can find some healing through that as well.
Ridghaus: Yeah.
Haley Radke: And we are gonna talk with you and your partner, Derek, a little bit later about your video project and all of that. So let's leave that, but anything else that you want to discuss about creativity, and ways we can find healing in various mediums? I mean, creativity is kind of broad. What are your thoughts on that?
Ridghaus: Right now, I'm reading a poet. Nayyirah Waheed. She's a woman of color. Poetry comes across very simple. But it's not. It's this deftly created, curated collection of words. And when I read her poetry, it puts me into this meditative space. What do I think about that? And what does that say about the world?
And so I like to write poetry myself, or short stories. But when I read somebody else's words, it gets me away from, What did I grow up with? Or, What did I do? And I get to read their words and kind of sift through them and find out what's true in there (a little bit like the exercise that I did when I first found out that I was adopted),
I wanted to sort out what's true, and then I can take those true words and kind of reassemble them for myself (so they become a way of me expressing the same things). She's giving voice to some of my own experiences and not just Nayyirah, but anybody who's involved in creative expression.
And, you know, some people just don't feel comfortable writing words, but they will create amazing portraiture, or take great photographs or stunning music. Right now, there's a person who's recently come into our circles by the name of Kristen Garaffo. She plays the ukulele. Have you heard Kristen?
Haley Radke: Yeah, I met her at the Indiana Adoptee Network Conference.
Ridghaus: That's right. That's right. She just got a song, she just put a song on Spotify. And I love her voice, like there's this lilt when she's playing her ukulele. And you know, she doesn't have to be talking about adoptee stuff. It's just—she's singing her spirit. And it's just so affirming.
Haley Radke: I love that idea, that creativity can lead us to what's true. Because adoptees, we so struggle with identity. (I mean, late discovery adoptees, for sure.) That's even another level. But all of us in general, Where do we fit? Who are we?
When we're looking at our— If we manage to find our first parents, you know, do we fit with them? It's so much, So finding our individual identity, Who am I? And the thought that creativity could help with that.
Ridghaus: That's expressed so aptly. I just did a quick search for Nayyirah, just to make sure that I could say her last name. (And I don't know that I still said it right). But her Twitter feed popped up, and the last poem that she posted said, “Feel it. The thing that you don't want to feel. Feel it, and be free.”
And I think that encapsulates how I see it. Some of our lives are not very pretty and you know, like you said, we wanna kind of hide that, or we wanna keep it from…whatever.
But I can look back on my life and go, Yeah, that's not pretty. That's icky, you know, it's— Actually, it was actually pretty scary at the time, but I can feel that it was scary and then not be that dad. And be free from what that was.
Haley Radke: Well, I feel like we've had, you know, incredibly profound moments. You're just so wise.
Ridghaus: I have a lot of help.
Haley Radke: So is there anything else you wanna touch on, Ridg, that I didn't get to? I didn't ask you about, you really hoped that I would talk to you about?
Ridghaus: No, I— You know, Haley, I really appreciate what you do here in these podcasts. I love hearing other people's narratives. And I think you do such an exceptional job of giving people space to talk about those things that are important for them and, you know, their journey.
So, as I look back at what we've talked about, I can't think of a thing that we would need to dive into further. You have such a good touch with people, so I'm very grateful for this opportunity to share, and talk, and see what others have to say.
Haley Radke: Oh, thank you. That's so kind. Thank you.
Okay, so we are gonna come back and we're gonna talk to Derek, and we're gonna talk all about Six Word Adoption Memoirs. And we're gonna talk about some recommendations. But let's pause here.
So, how can we get in touch with you online?
Ridghaus: So, it is easiest for people to get in touch with us through our Facebook page, the Six Word Adoption Memoir Project. It's facebook.com/6WAMproject/.
Haley Radke: Great. Thank you so much. It was so fun talking to you.
Ridghaus: Aww. Thank you, Haley.
Haley Radke: I have so much more to say, more to tell you, but I'm sure you're saying, “Wait a minute, Haley, where's the recommended resources? When are you gonna talk about Ridg and Derek's videos?”
Listen, I promise I did not forget these things. This is Part One of a two-part premiere, and next week (Friday), you will hear Derek's story. And then Ridg, and Derek, and I break down the Six Word Adoption Memoir Project, including some behind the scenes moments (one of which involves a mattress). So you just have to listen. So funny. And we do our recommended resource section there.
I have a group of over 20 supporters that contribute monthly to help cover the costs of producing this podcast. Thank you. I could not keep the show going without your support, so thank you so, so much. If you would like to stand with me and ensure adoptee voices are shared worldwide, head over to adopteeson.com/partner. There's a link right in the show notes of the app that you're listening on that you can click through on. You can check out the options for support.
I even have a secret adoptees-only Facebook group for supporters and guests of the show as a thank you for your generosity. It's this incredibly intimate and supportive place that has been a real encouragement to me, especially in these last few months.
Speaking of adoptees, I have two clips to share with you that were submitted through adopteeson.com. Let's have a listen.
Abby Forero Hilty: Hi, my name's Abby Forero Hilty. I was born in Bogotà, Colombia, and adopted at the age of two months. I grew up in a suburb of New York City. Thanks to Facebook and other social media sites, I've been able to connect with adoptees from around the world. Recently, 16 other Colombian adoptees and I co-wrote the first Colombian adoptee anthology.
The book is called Decoding Our Origins: The Lived Experiences of Colombian Adoptees, and I edited and published it in early 2017. In each chapter, a different author shares her or his experience as a transracial intercountry Colombian adoptee, using various means of expression in the U.S., Decoding Our Origins is available for purchase online at thecreatespace.com shop, or via Amazon.com. Outside of the U.S., please use your country's local Amazon site.
All profits from sales of the book are being used to purchase DNA kits for first mothers in Colombia, and Colombian adoptees who are searching for their family. Thank you.
Stephanie Harris: My name is Stephanie Harris and I live in Louisville, Kentucky. I was relinquished as a newborn in 1969, closed adoption, and have been in full circle reunion with both first families.
My dear friend (and also fellow adoptee), Lynn Grubb, became the editor of our book, The Adoptee Survival Guide. This is an anthology collection of 30 absolutely amazing adoptees. We share the wisdom and tools, and we give insight on the life of an adoptee. It was published in 2015.
You can find the book The Adoptee Survival Guide on Amazon, or you can go to www.theadopteesurvivalguide.com. If you'd like to connect with us on Facebook, we also have a page: Adoptee Survival Guide.
Haley Radke: Thank you for submitting those, ladies. If you're an adoptee with a book you'd like to share with us, head over to adopteeson.com/connect, and you can send audio feedback to me (just like Abby and Stephanie did). I love to hear your voices and I'm happy to promote your work on my show. For free. There's no charge or anything.
Come find me on social media, tell me about your projects, and how you're finding healing. I really wanna connect with you, so links to my Twitter, Facebook page, Instagram—they're all on adopteeson.com.
The very last thing for today. (Oh, so much. I know.) Would you tell just one person today about this podcast? Perhaps you know an adoptee who also relinquished a child. It's actually super common for us to repeat these patterns. Maybe they'd be encouraged to hear Ridg's story of connecting with his first son, and some of the healing conversations they've had.
Thank you for listening. Let's talk again, next Friday.
Oh, I said that was the last thing, but I totally lied, because I have one more thing to tell you. Aah, so much stuff. This is what happens when I'm gone for a few weeks, right?
I was invited to come down to the Concerned United Birthparents’ Retreat, which is happening in California on the first weekend of October. So if you are headed down to that retreat, please come find me on socials. Adopteeson.com has all of our links there. And let me know you're coming, because I wanna meet you in person. I wanna give you a big hug.
I really love connecting with listeners in real life. It's one of my absolute favorite things, and if you want, we can do a quick little interview. I can record your thoughts about adoption and about the retreat. I'd love to do that with you. So let me know you're coming. I wanna see you, and am excited to meet you in real life.
