42 Tracy - I Was a Disappointment to Her
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/42
Haley Radke: You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season 3, Episode 3: Tracy. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today, we discuss what happens when you search for your origins and find out you're too late. Tracy shares some painful stories about what her childhood experience of growing up with a narcissistic mother was like, and we wrap up with a great discussion about fostering creativity in ourselves and how that can lead to resilience and move us towards healing.
As always, links to all of the things we'll be talking about today are on the website adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.
I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Tracy Aabey-Hammond. Welcome to the show, Tracy.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Hi, Haley. I'm really excited to be here and thank you for the opportunity.
Haley Radke: Oh, I'm so excited to chat with you. You are a metalsmith and you make the most beautiful adoption pendants. I'm wearing it right now and I've had so many compliments on it. So we'll get to that in a bit, but I just would love it if you would share your story with us.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: I'm a Baby Scoop Era adoptee. I did not have the best home. It was an abusive home. I haven't had any contact with my adoptive parents since 2006, when they disowned me. I did enter into reunion with my family in 2013. Unfortunately, both of my parents were dead by then. My mother had died in her 50s, from cancer.
My father tragically died at the age of 25, in 1972, when I was only 2 years old. But, with that, I did come into a large— (on my mother's side), a very large family. My mom was the eldest of seven. I've been welcomed by all of my aunts, and uncles, and cousins. On my paternal side, it's a little bit more tragic. I only have one surviving uncle and a couple of cousins.
With my paternal family, I am a first generation American. My father was actually born in Germany, post World War II. My paternal grandparents were both inmates at Dachau Concentration Camp. So, for family history, you know, it kind of is difficult. There isn't much there. World War II really kind of decimated Poland and Germany. My family is from what is now Belarus, which is south of Minsk, and it's, you know, not exactly your “Johnny knocked up Mary Jane at the prom" kind of adoption story by any means.
It is what it is. We never know when we seek out in reunion what we will find. But there are always lessons that we can learn. And for me, it's been about resilience.
Haley Radke: How did you search and how did you find?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: I'm lucky. I'm from Illinois, which in 2010, opened up sealed birth certificates for adoptees (the original birth certificates). So mine was unsealed, but I had contacted the adoption agency that I came from (which is The Cradle in Evanston). Come to find out, I had contacted more background information, non-identifying information, and two of my aunts had left word that my mother had died, and left their contact information for me.
I ended up having to pay the adoption agency to find my father's family. And that took several months for them to do. They ended up being in Wisconsin, but it took them some time to track them down and get a response, because nobody knew about me.
Haley Radke: Oh, on your paternal side.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: On my paternal side. On my maternal side, my grandmother had made a point of telling each of her children about me. So I was never a secret. Everybody knew about me, but on my paternal side, my father was unaware that I existed. And, you know, he died in 1972. I was two years old. There was really no way for him to know.
Haley Radke: Yeah. So when you got your maternal information, you contacted your aunts?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. I was automatically— As soon as I had had that meeting with the facilitator of the adoption agency, she gave me one of my aunt's phone number, address, and email address, immediately (with the information that my mother was dead).
You know, I had a way to be able to contact somebody in my maternal family. But the funny thing was, is they wouldn't tell me my mother's name. It's comical, really, if you think about it. Where my aunts had left a release of information, but they still— The adoption agency still wouldn't tell me who my mother was, but they told me my aunt's name. And then I applied for my birth certificate.
Haley Radke: Of course! Why wouldn't it be that bizarre? Goodness.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: I know. I know. It was just kind of—I was just sort of puzzled. I'm like, “You're kidding me, right?”
“We can't tell you that.”
I'm like, “They sent you my mother's death certificate for a reason. You can't tell me her name on it?”
So I don't know. It's kind of… Adoption is quirky. And you know, I'm still shaking my head about that one.
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness. Well, can I ask, how does it feel… I guess, what prompted your search? And then how does it feel when you find and they're both deceased?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: What prompted my search was— I was always going to search, but my adoptive mother was a roadblock. We had a very, I want to say, a relationship that was very strained and she was very controlling. She's a narcissist and she liked to control and destroy anything that had any meaning to me. So, I always knew that if I was going to seek out my biological family, that I would need to make sure that she wasn't involved.
When our relationship imploded in 2006, I gave it some time before I decided to make contact with my biological family, knowing that she would not take it well. If somehow our relationship were to be salvaged, (which I knew, you know, by that time, I knew it would not be). The modus operandi of that family was, if you stood up for yourself, they were done with you. If you complained about their behavior, or the way they acted towards you, they got rid of you. You were no longer their friend.
They would go through so many acquaintances, because somebody would object to the way that they were treating them and, you know, they would then end that friendship. And I watched them cycle through so many people because of that. So I knew when I stood up to them and I complained about their treatment, I knew that that would happen. So I gave it some time.
On Mother's Day in 2013, I went ahead and I filled out the paperwork to go ahead and get my non-identifying information and to just start. I wasn't even aware that OBCs had been released in Illinois, three years prior. So that's how it started.
And my husband had always been incredibly supportive. He'd always felt bad that I had done a lot of genealogy work for him over a decade (or even longer). And I traced his family down certain branches, hundreds and hundreds of years. And made all of these breakthroughs for him on some of his lines, going back, you know— He's a descendant of King Henry IV. His family never knew that. So he had always said to me, “When the time comes, if you want to search, you know, it'd be nice if you'd be able to make your own family tree.”
I just, you know, I just did it. I realized that my relationship with my adoptive family was over, and it was time to move on, and to find out who I really was. So when you get the information… Well, I had a very— It was shocking to hear that my mother was gone. I had always just thought that when I was ready, she would be there.
So the fact that she wasn't, was shocking and it was upsetting. You know, my mom died in 2001. I had left the state that my adoptive family lives in. They live in Illinois and I'd moved to Cincinnati, Ohio in 1997. So technically, I could have made contact and just kept them out of it, but I wasn't strong enough. So in that sense, you know, I did miss the opportunity to meet my mother.
So, when I meet adoptees who are hemming and hawing about reunion, you know, I use myself as a cautionary tale. I would honestly have one conversation and have my mother reject me, or at least be able to meet her once and have her reject me, than to never had the opportunity to actually meet her or speak to her.
Haley Radke: Was meeting your adoptee aunts any consolation? Did they fill in any blanks for you? How did that go?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. I mean, I'm embracing whatever family I have left. And yes, they have welcomed me with open arms. I've gotten, you know— I've attended family weddings. When different people have died in the family, somebody always makes a point to call me, let me know if there's going to be a funeral service, make sure that I know that I'm welcome to come out. Mundane things like a baby shower…
So you know, they've been very inclusive and very welcoming. So I'm very, very lucky in that sense. I know that a lot of adoptees have dealt with secondary rejection. And I consider myself to be very lucky. I haven't had to deal with that.
Haley Radke: Thanks for sharing about that. You mentioned that your adoptive mother was a narcissist. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? About your childhood and your interactions with her?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: It's an interesting story. My adoptive mother is in fact, herself, an adoptee (an inter-family adoptee). She was raised by her second cousin and she did not find out that she was adopted until she was 16. She was somewhat of a late discovery adoptee, too. And she had talked about, you know, how that felt, going to a family funeral and knowing that, like her grandfather was there (her biological grandfather). And that she was there with people who she was more closely related to.
And I think, you know, that that definitely played a part in her psychology. She actually met her— She had three biological siblings, and she was the only one who was adopted. What had happened was her father had been diagnosed with leukemia, and he was dying. And his wife was pregnant at the time, and they had already had three children. And he talked his wife into surrendering my adoptive mother to his first cousin. He had said, you know, “Mildred has never been able to have kids. Give the baby to Mildred.”
She went ahead and she surrendered. So the other kept siblings had known that their mom was pregnant and then suddenly, you know, she wasn't. And the baby disappeared. She went back on to marry again and have another child. And I knew my mother had hard feelings because, you know, she wasn't the only child. She was the only child that had been surrendered. She wasn't kept.
So I, as a 9 or 10 year old, I was able to sit back and see her reunion. I was there in the room when she met her mother and her grandmother for the first time. Her mother was kind of cold towards her, and had made the comment that, “Curiosity killed the cat,” to my mother (in relation to seeking them out).
So that, you know… I was 9 or 10. So that really left an impression. I think that that kind of was in the back of my head, coming to my own reunion. And maybe why I delayed, you know, making sure that I was ready, because, you know, I saw that.
On the other hand, her grandmother was hysterical, and would talk about her daughter. She would say, “She enjoyed having sex, but she didn't necessarily like the children that came with it.” So, Grandma Bentley was quite a character. And she'd always tell it like it was (to very impressionable 9 or 10 year old ears).
Haley Radke: Oh my gosh. [laughs]
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: I know. So, with my mother… Basically, they had tried for many years to have children. They ended up adopting my brother first, and then six years later, me.
I was a disappointment to her from the very beginning, whereas my adopted brother was an easy, carefree baby. He only cried when he was tired or hungry. I came and I was already, you know, damaged goods. I had been sitting in the adoption agency nursery for a couple of months. I had had surgery for an umbilical hernia. So I was a couple months old by the time I came to them.
And as my mother had (my adoptive mother) had put it, you know, I cried constantly. And I was a bad baby and whatnot. So our relationship sort of started off tenuous, where I really wasn't what she wanted. And she had talked about the fact that she had thought about taking me back to the adoption agency when I was older. So it was kind of like that kind of relationship: love/hate.
Haley Radke: When you say you were older (when she was talking about bringing you back to the agency), how old were you?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Well, she had told me that she had thought about it when I was an infant, but she disclosed this to me, I was probably about like 9 or 10 or 11. Some of the things that they would do to me would be, when I was about 10 years old, I started having issues in school. I was diagnosed with learning disabilities. I was like a poster child for adoption issues. If it's on a list, I've kind of exhibited it.
When I was about 9, 10 years old, my adoptive mother— I was going through a little bit of separation anxiety, a fear of getting separated or lost from them when we were in public. And she was really annoyed by it. So she felt the best way to deal with that would be to teach me a lesson. And we were in a mall parking lot. She tapped my adoptive father on the shoulder and they ran ahead of me to the car, jumped in, locked the doors, and drove off. And left me in the parking lot. So I just stood there, right where they had been.
I didn't really think that they were going to leave and they did. Five, ten minutes passes… And I'm running through my mind, Do I know where I am? I'd taken the bus once with my adoptive brother to the mall. I was at a different mall, but I knew that if I could find a bus station, I could make my way home because I knew there was a bus stop near the house. I didn't have any money on me.
I'm kind of running through all of these things, and I'm kind of disassociating. I'm not crying. I'm keeping it together, but a lot of things are running through my head. And they come back. And as they drive up, they unlock the door and let me in. And when I open that door, I'm greeted with the sound of laughter. They think this is the funniest thing that they've ever done.
You know, I tried to express the fact that I was really upset. I was always dismissed about my feelings. After this incident, I made sure that I saved any money I got, and I would carry it on me in case I would need to find my own way home.
They continued to try to abandon me in parking lots, but they only successfully drove off that one time. So, there were a lot of memories of them locking me out of the car, and me banging on the windows, begging to be let in. Eventually, they gave up on it. That's kind of like when things were really starting to go south. And I was about 9, 10 years old.
You know, to hear my adoptive mother tell it, “Well, we only left you once.”
“But you kept trying to do it. It was wrong.”
There are so many little incidents like that that just compile. So many, “Well, I only did it once.” But they just add up.
On my blog that I have, I've got a story. It's called “Tanning Beds and Fainting Spells.” And when I was in junior high, I cut my arm in a department store on a glass shelf. I brushed up against it and hit a chip out of it. And as I brought my arm up, I realized that it was much more serious than just a scratch. It actually cut down to the bone. It was about an inch-and-a-half to two-inch long wound that was very deep. And there was a vein running across my bone, and that was obviously an artery that kind of nicked it.
My adoptive mother was angry at me for getting hurt. Opted not for medical care in the form of an ambulance, but had decided that the store would pay for me to go to the doctor. Took that form, and then she says to me, “I've got this tanning appointment I don't want to miss. I'll take you to the doctor after I'm done. You're sure you don't feel anything?”
It had severed, you know, it was a very deep wound, and it had severed nerves. So I really didn't have any pain associated with the wound. I don't feel anything. So she sits me down in a chair for the next 45 minutes. She's tanning, you know, and I've got some napkins on my arm. I'm bleeding. She gets done.
We drive to the doctor's office. It's three o'clock. They're booked. We're gonna have to wait like 45 minutes to an hour. She doesn't want to wait. She looks at me and she's like, “Do you want stitches?” Obviously, she doesn't want me to get stitches. And I'm 12 and I'm thinking it's probably gonna hurt. “Okay...No. Is that the right answer?”
So we leave the doctor's office. I'm never examined by the doctor. I don't get any stitches. I don't get any kind of medical care. She takes me to the pharmacy. I end up paying for my own butterfly bandages and some Band-Aids, big Band-Aids. And that's like the extent of the medical care I get.
We go out to the car. And we get in and suddenly she has to lay down, because she's feeling faint because she doesn't handle medical issues very well. And I give her my best, You've got to be freaking kidding me look. So we're sitting there waiting while she recovers from her vapors. That was my adoptive mother, in a nutshell.
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: So, on my blog, there's a number of different stories, and people can read through them. I tried to take a humorous spin on it.
Haley Radke: How else can you look at it? You'd just be in a pit of despair.
Oh my goodness. I'm just sitting here in just, like, shock and disbelief. I'm so sorry you went through that. No words. No words I can say that are appropriate. Wow, wow.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, it is kind of, you know, you're just kind of, shake your head… And that was her and, you know, there's lots more stories that are on the blog. Some a little bit more graphic, some a little bit more violent, but you know, there's little vignettes of, you know, what it was like.
Haley Radke: Well, and it's interesting that you say that she's an adoptee also, because I've heard from many adoptees that were adopted by narcissistic mothers (in particular). So that's really interesting.
Okay, I'd love it if we could shift and talk about your creative work. So, you're a metalsmith. And like I said at the top, I have this beautiful pendant that you made.
Would you tell us a little bit about it? How you came up with the idea and, yeah, just kind of tell us a bit about your work?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. The adoption loss pendant. Several years ago, Kay Jewelers came out with an ad featuring one of those open heart pendants, but it was for an adoption gift. And the ad primarily focused on adoptive parents receiving this brand new spanking baby.
What the ad didn't show was anybody else. There was nothing else included. There was no first family, nothing. It was like this child just dropped down out of nowhere. And they completely ignored anything else other than these adoptive parents with this new, fresh baby. As a jeweler, I thought to myself, That's really tacky. Talk about adoption propaganda. We're just looking at this very single-sidedly.
I think it was on Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy’s site that they were talking about it. And a lot of first mothers were giving their input. And they were talking about, “Really, it should be a smashed up heart, a big chunk missing out of it.” And it sort of gave me inspiration, an emotional inspiration.
And I went into my studio and I pulled some components out of my scrap silver bag, things that were bound to be melted down and turned back into silver sheets. And I went rummaging through my silver scrap bag. And I had a heart that I kind of melted part of, and I had a broken setting for a trillion stone (which is featured in the pendants now). And I went ahead, and I went to work. And I compiled the components, and distressed it with a hammer, and sawed out, you know, cracks, took a chunk out of it.
The original pendant wasn't even a functional piece of jewelry, it was more a conceptual art statement because it was missing prongs. So I took, I created this, I really didn't even polish it. It's very raw, very rough. And I took a photo of it and I posted on Claudia's page and I said, “I give you the adoption pendant.”
And it was a visceral reaction from all of these first mothers and adoptees. They loved it. They loved it, because it was a physical representation of their internalized pain. And I was kind of blown away, because for me it was just sort of a conceptual art piece. It really wasn't meant to be a functional piece of jewelry. So people started asking within the hour if they could buy one.
And I took a look at the supplies I had on hand and I said, “Okay, I can do this. I can make a limited run of them. I have enough to make 20. I'll make 20 of these for you. It's going to take me some time. I have to go back into the studio, and I have to make this a functional, wearable piece of art, where the stone isn't going to fall out, and it isn't going to jab you to death.”
And I made the first 20, and that's all I was going to do. And the outpouring, it was incredible. People wanted them. So, I went ahead and despite there being some negative feedback about the pendant, the people who it actually meant the most to (the first mothers, the adoptees), they were the people that I was listening to.
It was everybody else in the adoption community: the adoptive parents, the adoptive professionals that were kind of negative about it. I just filtered them out and focused in on the core group, who the pendant would really speak to, and who it represented.
There's a lot of symbolism in the pendant. It's been hammered, it's got cracks in it. There's a chunk missing out of it, and that chunk actually represents the loss of a child for the first mother. I use (for the bulk of them), a trillion cut stone, which is a triangle cut. And I've got that, that's to represent the triad (that adoption's supposed to be).
I've got the stone put into the setting askew. It isn't set properly. It's kind of set sideways. Normally the points of the stone, the prongs cup it. Well I've got the prongs cupping the side, the long sides of the stone. So it's in backwards, basically. And that's to represent adoptees who feel like they don't really fit in with their adopted family, or the world (due to the loss of their identity).
One of the things that I had done— (because I really wasn't expecting people to want a pendant that wasn't perfect. When you're a metalsmith, it's all about buffing out scratches and making things beautiful). So this was such an imperfect item. I really was kind of blown away that people wanted it. And I've actually had requests for them to be beat up more. If something, if it isn't beat up more, if it isn't tarnished enough, occasionally I'll hear from somebody that they want it more beat up. They want it more tarnished, and I do aim to please.
I will beat the heck out of it for you, but… So the pendant kind of took off, by surprise. And one of the things that I wanted to do, is I wanted to make sure that the portion of the proceeds would go to an adoptee-related cause. Originally I was giving a portion of the proceeds to the Adoptee Rights Coalition. When SOS came about, it really spoke to me, knowing that my own mother, (had she had a resource like SOS), would have been able to keep and parent me. So a portion of the proceeds from my every pendant goes to SOS now.
Haley Radke: So that's SOS Adoption, which is run by Lynn Johnson, and it's a family preservation organization. And she helps mothers in temporary crisis realize that they can parent. And she has sisters on the ground in different states that she can ask to come in and bring some, you know, baby supplies if they need a diaper bag. Or I know she's given some money if there's a need for a new car seat or anything that the reason that they're in that crisis situation, (it's a temporary crisis), to help them decide that they can parent.
They're doing awesome work. Awesome work. Thank you. That's amazing. I love that you give a portion to them.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: It's a great organization. What I love especially is that they will help a first parent out dealing with the adoptive parents, or even the adoption agency. That they will step in and help you to deal with that.
Haley Radke: Right. Often these mothers that are in temporary crisis have already made an adoption plan. They're already working with an agency. They may have already placed their baby and Lynn will (like you said), she helps them do all the steps that they need to do within the law to get their baby back and/or to not place.
Because often, if an agency has given any sort of financial support to this expectant mother and the expectant mother changes their mind, the agency will come after them. And it's a very— it's all deceptive. It's such ugly, ugly stuff. And Lynn does an amazing job standing up, like helping these mothers stand up for themselves and say the things that legally they need to do to have the adoption stopped or reversed, whatever (depending on the state, right?).
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Exactly. And there's so much coercion that goes on, especially if, you know, a mother is in the middle of an adoption plan and she changes her mind. A lot of agencies and potential adoptive parents will then say or do anything that they need to get her to change her mind back. Or put her into—turn the thumbscrews on her, with threat of a legal lawsuit if she took support from them, whether or not it's legal to do that in a state or not. They'll threaten it, trying to force her.
So it's a really wonderful organization that really supports first mothers and really helps them to be able to successfully parent their children, if they decide to back out of an adoption plan.
Haley Radke: Yeah, that's so great. Thank you. Thank you for doing that. I agree. Wonderful organization. I definitely support the work that Lynn is doing, and I'll put a link to the show notes for anyone that wants to go and make a contribution to SOS Adoption.
You can check out the Facebook page, because often, there will be a call for, like I said, “sisters on the ground.” So they might need somebody in Texas. So if you're in Texas, you can email and say, “Yes, I'm available. I can help.” So she's always looking for people, like volunteers, in that capacity.
Okay! So is there anything else you want to tell us about the adoption loss pendant before we move to the next section?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: If anybody wants to see them, they were featured in Flip the Script: Adult Adoptee Anthology. Both styles of pendants were featured in there, as art. I consider the pendants to be art pieces, not necessarily jewelry. They are handmade. Each is individual. So it really is a piece of art, versus a piece of jewelry.
Haley Radke: And you have all the different birthstones available.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, I have all of the birthstones, or I have alternatives for some of them (like a diamond). Having been working with metal, and jewelry, and gems for 15 years now, I have quite an inventory of gemstones, and cabochons, and whatnot. I'm like bordering on being a hoarder at this point.
Haley Radke: So basically, someone could get whatever they want set in there.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, basically if, you know, whatever gemstone they want. I most likely have one and can set it.
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness. Well, I love scrolling through your Etsy store. So… Yeah, they’re just so moving.
Tracy, I would really like to talk to you about creativity and healing. So you mentioned while you were talking about your story, that you have all the things on the list that an adoptee could have, all the issues. You checked all the boxes.
So would you talk to us a little bit about how you feel using your creative artistic side has helped you heal certain areas? I know—we're all on the healing journey and we're not ever going to be 100% healed of our adoption trauma. But I'd love for you to talk a little bit about that, and any ideas you have for us that we could even… You know, some people are like, “Oh, I'm not really creative. I don't really… Oh, it's not really my thing.”
But any ideas you have for us to get started in that kind of area?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Oh, absolutely. For me, creativity and art has always been part of my life. My biological mother, first mother, loved the Art Institute of Chicago. I must have, in utero, really absorbed the paintings and art. Because I've always been highly creative, and really worked in many mediums from photography, to pottery, metalsmithing, painting, drawing, jewelry. And metalsmithing is really kind of where my passion settled.
But for me, art has always been a safe place that I can go and retreat from the world. Anywhere I have ever lived, I always make sure that I have a creative space. It doesn't have to be very big, but it does need to be a space that's only dedicated to creativity, to whatever art form you're going to choose. Make sure that you've got your supplies there, that you have good lighting. No clutter, nothing else from your life there. Maybe some plants by a window if possible. And just basically a space that's only dedicated to that.
One of the biggest things to keep in mind is that perfection doesn't exist. That's a fallacy. There is no such thing as perfection in nature. There are no straight lines in nature. So, if you're going to be creative, you need to silence your inner critic. Forget about anything being perfect, and just dedicate yourself solely to the task at hand.
The American Art Therapy Association talks about art that can unlock emotional expression by facilitating nonverbal communication. Visual imagery is the foundation of art therapy. Art allows you to focus emotions into a safe creative space. So much of our issues, so much of our trauma is internalized from adoption. By being able to channel that into art, being able to express those nonverbal emotions and feelings (a lot of it's pre-verbal, because we were infants), really allows you to be able to channel and express that in a very productive, safe way.
Nobody's going to be able to judge you. You don't have to worry about, you know, anybody saying anything to you. You can literally just put it on the canvas, or do it in clay, or, you know, in a sketchbook. Whatever media speaks to you. And basically, it's for you, this art.
You don't have to worry about somebody else seeing it. Don't worry if you can't draw very well. Carlynne Hershberger is another artist in the adoptee community. She's a painter, illustrator, and she teaches art. And one of the things that she'll do, is she'll just throw paint at a canvas, (literally). And whatever happens, happens. It might be good, it might be bad. She doesn't even think about it. She's just having that explosion of creative force.
When I made the adoption pendant, it was an explosion of creative force that I exerted. I didn't care what it looked like; I wasn't concentrating on that. I was just expressing the emotions that I felt. I just disconnected from my inner critic, and just made it. And I think that that is where the healing begins, that you're able to just express that like in a free form.
Not focusing on whether you're any good, if you have any ability. That isn't the point. The point is just to create, and create from deep down inside you. To be able to grab those emotions that you're feeling, and force them out onto the paper, onto the canvas, into the clay—into whatever media you choose. To me, when I think of art therapy, to me, that's what I think of. I don't know if that's technically the definition (clinically), but that's how I think of it.
Getting inspiration can be really hard. I know that I go through my dry spells, but some of the things are connecting with nature. Setting aside some time to meditate is important, because it quiets your mind. From failure comes success. You have to fail at something before you can succeed. And in order to create something, you have to destroy something. Those are kind of like the key things that I keep in the back of my mind when I'm in my workshop and I'm working.
I do deal with some semi precious metals and precious metals. So occasionally, you're under a little bit of pressure not to melt the gold or melt the silver while you're trying to solder it. So I have my scrap bags, and I just sort of let that go. Let that go, that that's my chosen medium, that it's kind of expensive, that I break gemstones setting them, you know, I crack stuff. I have killed tanzanite. I have killed rubies. It does come with its perils (my chosen medium that I work in), but it's just basically understanding that you are going to fail before you succeed and just accepting it.
Another thing is when you're focusing on whatever medium you're going to do, to just get up and walk away (if inspiration isn't coming to you). Get up, walk away, go outside, look at nature, look at what other artists are doing. So much of what I do, I get inspired by other artists. I get inspired by what they're doing. I get inspired by nature. I get inspired by my own emotions. So it's just finding something that will spur you on creatively, and just kind of grabbing onto that and using it.
Haley Radke: Those are all such amazing ideas. Thank you. And I love that thought of having a creative space that's just for sitting down and working on something, whatever it is, right? To have a space for it. That's a great idea. Thank you.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, you don't have to have… Like, you know, I have a pretty decently sized workshop/studio. And I have a lot of equipment, and really, you don't need anything that large. For the longest time, I just had kind of like a drafting table in the corner, where I could kind of draw.
Now, I really don't draw very well. I really don't paint that very well. I'm a pretty good photographer, and I do really well with ceramics and stuff. But you kind of have to map out what you're gonna do. I draw, but that's just for me as a map of what I'm gonna do.
But I don't really focus much on how well I'm able to draw, or sketch, or anything like that. One upside for me is I get to play with fire. So, I have a lot of, you know, I have a lot of hammers and stuff, and I have like a twenty-pound anvil. So, I really am able to just kind of beat the crap out of metal, and play with fire, and enjoy myself (especially if I'm frustrated).
Haley Radke: That sounds amazing. So, that's a good reason to get into metalsmith working— How do you say that, metalsmithing?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Metalsmithing. Yeah.
Haley Radke: Great reason. Fire and hammers.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Fire, hammers, you know, a boiling pot of acid. Gotta have a boiling pot of acid.
Haley Radke: Wow. It sounds like if I'm going to get into this, I'm going to have to wait until my kids are just a smidge older. They're very tiny at the moment. So…
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. And you're gonna need to invest some money in some equipment, because unfortunately nothing comes cheaply. Some of the hammers I have, you know, they're like $80, $90 a pop (some texturing hammers). And those are the more inexpensive tools that I have.
The torch setup that I have was around like $400. I have a rolling mill. I got a bonus from work and I bought that. Rolling mills can be very, very pricey. So it's not for the faint of heart by any means.
Haley Radke; Okay. So maybe I will start with something a little less spendy for my first,
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, go to Michael's when they've got a 50% off and just sort of delve into something a little bit on the easier side before you start, you know, making investment.
Haley Radke: That is good advice, too. Well, Tracy, thank you so much for your time. Is there anything else that you want to touch on with us before I let everyone know how to get in touch with you?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: No, I think we've covered just about everything. And just to encourage everybody to go ahead and just create. Just to silence your inner critic. Just go ahead and be creative. It can be very healing.
I consider myself not to have come from the best situation, or have the best adoption story. I've managed to survive. I'm still here, still standing, still functioning. And some of it is genetics. My grandparents survived Dachau concentration camp, but the other part of it is how I deal with the emotions that I feel, the trauma that I've suffered, and how I express it and how I deal with it. And it's, you know, turning it into productive, creative, safe energies (rather than destructive).
Haley Radke: What a wonderful way to wrap up. Thank you.
Where can we connect with you online, Tracy? You have your Etsy shop?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yes, I do. If you go to Etsy, you can just search Tracy'sGemShop as one word and it'll come up. My email address is Tracy@tracysgemshop.com. It's all one word and it's T-r-a-c-y. And, also on Facebook, there's a Tracy's Gem Shop Facebook page.
Haley Radke: Wonderful. I will link to all of those things in the show notes. So, you can go and buy an adoption loss pendant if there's one that you see that really speaks to you. Like I said, I just love mine and hearing you talk more about it, I'm like, Oh my goodness. I feel like I need more of them. Do you have anyone that has a collection ?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Recently… Well, I've had people who have bought like multiples and their first mothers who have lost multiple children to adoption, which is really sad.
And unfortunately I've had to— (through people asking, actually) I created, it's two hearts, soldered together. Two broken hearts, soldered together to represent two children, which is incredibly sad. In some cases, I've put, you know, multiple stones on the pendant. My own adoption loss pendant (it's a larger size one), and I have a ruby to represent me. I have a demantoid garnet to represent my father, and a diamond to represent my mother, on mine. So I have three stones on mine. But yeah, there are people who have purchased more than one.
Haley Radke: Well, thank you so much for sharing your story with us, for telling us about the pendant, and especially for all of those great ideas for how we can be creative and use that towards our healing.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Thank you for having me. I've really enjoyed speaking with you and I hope that this makes an impact on people.
Haley Radke: Okay. Didn't that make you want to go to the store? And buy an anvil and a torch? Like I was close. I was close to going and buying those things.
I learned so much from my conversation with Tracy and she even gave me some extra tips about how to keep jewelry clean with a very surprising household cleaner. So listen all the way past the outro music if you want to hear her advice for you on that. It's funny. It's really clever.
This show is brought to you by my Patreon partners. Patreon is a website that allows creators like me to raise monthly support to help me keep producing content for you like this podcast. As a special thank you for a monthly pledge, I have a secret Facebook group for adoptees only, where we support each other through search and reunion issues, and all sorts of adoption-related things.
We get really real and talk about things we're struggling with. And it is incredible. Incredible, some of the people that have joined and have become so very dear to me. So come and join us. It's adopteeson.com/partner, where you'll find all the details. Thank you guys so much. I couldn't do the show without you.
I love hearing your voices. It's one of my favorite things. Okay, let's listen to this clip:
Jennifer Dyan Ghoston: Hi, Haley. This is Jennifer Dyan Ghoston. My book is entitled The Truth, So Far… a detective's journey to reunite with her birth family. As a Chicago police officer for over 27 years, and a detective for over 16, I began to ask the question, “How do you use a document like the amended birth certificate given to an adoptee as a legal representation of the entire truth?”
So for a five-year period toward the end of my career, I started the path of more self-discovery in my identity as an adoptee. It was quite therapeutic and healing as I moved closer to my truth of being relinquished at birth. It's my belief that through the sharing of my story, the adoption community (and adoptees, in particular), will be empowered and encouraged as they trust their journey.
Thank you for this opportunity to share a few words as a published author. I love your podcast Adoptees On and enjoy hearing from everyone. Continued success, and I'll be listening. Take good care.
Haley Radke: Thanks, Jennifer. You can find her book on Amazon or her website, which is jenniferdyanghoston.com. And if you're an adoptee and you want to share your work on the show, just like Jennifer did, head over to adopteeson.com/connect and click on that little microphone and you can send me an audio message.
I wonder if I could ask just one last favor. Would you share the show with a friend? Maybe it's a fellow adoptee who's been holding off on searching. They just don't know when the right time would be to dive in. Maybe hearing Tracy's call to action would inspire them to search. When you meet them next for coffee, ask for their phone and show them how to download the podcast.
I will be back with a new episode for you in two weeks. Next Friday, I'm going to be at the Concerned United Birth Parents Conference in California. And I hope to bring you some live reports from those sessions on the Facebook page. And I'm also going to be bringing back some live interviews to share on the podcast with you soon. If you're going to be at CUB next week, please come and find me and introduce yourself. I am a huge hugger. I will give you a big hug and I would love to meet you in real life.
So, thank you for listening and we'll talk again in two weeks.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: But my silver stays on all the time. I'll just pop it off and I'll use some light silver polish. It's a paste. You'll find it in the grocery store in the cleaning section and I'll just clean it. But I literally have jewelry that I've had on for decades, you know. The only time I'll take it off is to clean it.
Haley Radke: Well, there you go. What a great tip for me.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah, just leave it on, but just every once in a while… And if you're going to clean gemstones, Mr. Clean, I don't know if you buy that to clean your floors with, but just plain old Mr. Clean, a couple of teaspoons or a tablespoon to a couple cups of water. Just let something soak in there and then just use a soft toothbrush (like a baby toothbrush) and just kind of give it a good scrub. And that will get all the gunk out from around the stone and then you can use the right silver polish on gold, too. I think my jewelry, probably… (it depends on if I'm putting on a lot of hand lotion or not), like once every six weeks or so.
Haley Radke: Yeah?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: It doesn't look good for me to have gunky jewelry on if somebody's going to be asking me about my work.
Haley Radke: It's your business. Yeah,
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Exactly. But no, it's meant to be worn, you should enjoy it.
Haley Radke: Well, I do. I put it on first thing and I take it off before bed, kind of thing. Like, that's really mostly what I do. It's a conversation starter now, right?
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. The only thing that you have to be careful about peridot with is that it is a softer stone, so it can get scratched up more easily. But it's not like you're going to be filing with it on or anything like that.
Haley Radke: Right.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: And pearls. Pearls do require special care. But, for the most part, you can clean just about any stone using those two methods I told you, except, like, pearls you have to be careful of. Anything that could be, like, porous… But I can't think of anything that, other than pearls, that you would not want to use Mr. Clean and the polishing paste on.
Pretty much, those are the standard things that I use after I get done polishing jewelry, that I use. It's very low tech. I do not have an ultrasonic cleaner, because this will have a tendency if the stone has a fracture in it, it can make it worse. So, it's kind of like old school.
Haley Radke: I feel like I'm getting insider knowledge. I love this.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah. Yeah. Jewelers like Mr. Clean to clean jewelry. We don't buy anything expensive. It comes right off the rack.
Haley Radke: This is so funny. I can use this as an outtake and I'll put it at the very end of the show and it's like, “Stay tuned for Cleaning Tips with Tracy.”
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: Yeah!
Haley Radke: I'm just kidding. I won't do that, but that would be funny.
Tracy Aabey-Hammond: You actually can if you want to. I have a really good sense of humor. And I'll tell anybody who wants to listen, you know, how to take care of their jewelry. I'm a little bit of a geek about it, so…
Haley Radke: I can tell. [laughs]
